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Undiagnosed startled by everything...PTSD? & feeling constant guilt?

Thread starter #1
Hi there I am new here. I am 22 years old and after the suggestion from my boyfriend, I think I might have been suffering from PTSD for a number of years. I would love to know if any sufferers experience things like I will describe, it would bring me such comfort - and I would LOVE to have some conversations with you all. This is my first time reaching out to a community about these issues I have.

I have many incidents that one would consider traumatic throughout my life, but I feel most notably in my exposure to my mum's psychotic episodes in which (her disorders) blamed me for, these multiple events nearly cost her life and the things I have heard her say and do, as a 16 years old and the only 'adult' in charge, completely haunt me. I feel so concretely that, even though she has her own struggles and she did not mean the things said and done, I am unloveable and intrinsically bad. I haven not ever shook that stomach feeling and affirmation of ' I am bad' since some day of the events- chronology of which is fuzzy, despite some parts being clear as day.

Since lockdown here in the UK I have noticed my symptoms worsen, most prominantly (something which has been a part of me since one of these incidents- though, I actually couldn't say whichone or what age) is that I am quite literally scared of everything. I hate it. My boyfriend shuts a cupboard too loudly and I feel my heart pound and my stomach knots, giving me a stomach ache. I turn the TV on - the screen flashing on (despite me turning it on..) makes my heart flutter and my stomach knot. A friends leg presses against my leg on a sofa and I suddenly cannot breathe - overwhelmed by feelings od being inherantly bad or disgusting, then leaving the situation, then feeling bad for getting upset, for leaving. A fly is in the room and I get so startled by its bzzing that I run upstairs and have to spend 20 minutes willing myself out of a full scale panic (where possible). Someone raises their voice ever so slightly and I convince myself an argument is happening, one in which I am utterly convinced physically (even where not mentally) that somebody will be hurt, mentally or physically, and that even if I am not at all involved I am convinced it's in some part my fault, or that I should sort it out- which I am too scared to ever do. So then I feel guilty.

I am getting so so upset at myself recently. It seems no matter what I do, concerning literally anything in my life, I feel guilty. 'I said thank you too quitly, the bus driver might not've heard me. He's probably angry at me' - imense guilt, usually paired with some tears, and a sad retreat back home. 'I bought 1 friend a present on their birthday yesterday, but this other friend I only got a card for last year. I have upset them or made them feel like nobody cares or loves them - what if that was their final straw?'. It feels so all-consuming. I will type of such simple messages to my friends for literal hours, being so scared they read it as mean, manipulative or insincere (even if it's literally: great see you there).

I am here trying to reach out to people experiencing similar things, as I feel so incredibly sick of feeling so highly strung almost all of the time. Constantly feeling my heart spike because of something so normal and un-startling. It's exhausting and I feel defeated by the most non descript, basic things in life. It makes me wonder how I will ever cope living a life outside of the four walls of my flat.
 
#2
Hi @vicky123may , welcome! Sorry you have been through trauma and that things are tough at the moment.
Totally get what you are saying.
I also have voices in my head saying negative things, so I'm constantly critical of myself , or doubt myself, or question how my behaviour has impacted someone and how I'm responsible for their feelings. It's all learned behaviour, that we can (with hard work) unlearn.
Totally makes sense you would be feeling all these things, and that these feelings are spiking because of the pandemic, because of what you experienced.

You're not alone.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#4
Welcome to the forum. Glad you reached out, if not glad for the reasons.

All the things you shared I have experianced. As I'm sure many people here have also. And you are not alone.

Hopefully, you will seek out a therapist that can help you get a diagnosis. There is NO shame in having PTSD. And there are many qualified people to help you with these symptoms that are holding you hostage.

A diagnosis was a huge turning point for me. It gave me a solid direction to start getting the help I needed.

Glad you are here.
 
#5
Welcome to the community! :)

A trauma history makes PTSD possible... but there are a helluva lot of other disorders & conditions caused by -or made far worse by- trauma. Once you sit down to begin the diagnostic proceedings? There will probably be a shortlist of 25 or so disorders or conditions on the likely-list that have anxiety and panic as core/frequent problems/symptoms... including PTSD, GAD, Panic Disorder, Specific Phobia, etc. as well as the oh-so-difficult to Dx comorbid disorders, since one disorder frequently affects the way the other disorder is manifesting. Just as an example? I’m both ADHD & PTSD... but if my ADHD hadn’t been present since childhood? I’d probably have gotten a few working (incorrect) diagnoses in the beginning... because if ALL of the ADHD & PTSD symptoms are being looked at as a single thing? It looks like neither of them.

So very good on you on starting your research! Just, word to the wise, also try and keep an open mind rather than boxing yourself into one thing.

Again, welcome :)
 
Thread starter #6
Welcome to the forum. Glad you reached out, if not glad for the reasons.

All the things you shared I have experianced. As I'm sure many people here have also. And you are not alone.

Hopefully, you will seek out a therapist that can help you get a diagnosis. There is NO shame in having PTSD. And there are many qualified people to help you with these symptoms that are holding you hostage.

A diagnosis was a huge turning point for me. It gave me a solid direction to start getting the help I needed.

Glad you are here.
Thanks so much. Hopefully soon my journey of therapy will properly begin, whether I'm suffering from PTSD or something else, I feel a diagnosis would be a turning point for me also. Just to know, and be able to write down, that there is a reason I'm the way I am, rather than the constant cycles of doubting what is normal and not, sometimes feeling there MUST be some reason for my thoughts and sometimes feeling that maybe I am just indulging myself, whining over things that happened in the past and that I need to get a grip.

Thanks for reaching out, this feels like a safe space for me right now

Welcome to the community! :)

A trauma history makes PTSD possible... but there are a helluva lot of other disorders & conditions caused by -or made far worse by- trauma. Once you sit down to begin the diagnostic proceedings? There will probably be a shortlist of 25 or so disorders or conditions on the likely-list that have anxiety and panic as core/frequent problems/symptoms... including PTSD, GAD, Panic Disorder, Specific Phobia, etc. as well as the oh-so-difficult to Dx comorbid disorders, since one disorder frequently affects the way the other disorder is manifesting. Just as an example? I’m both ADHD & PTSD... but if my ADHD hadn’t been present since childhood? I’d probably have gotten a few working (incorrect) diagnoses in the beginning... because if ALL of the ADHD & PTSD symptoms are being looked at as a single thing? It looks like neither of them.

So very good on you on starting your research! Just, word to the wise, also try and keep an open mind rather than boxing yourself into one thing.

Again, welcome :)
Thanks for your message! That is very interesting on comorbid disorders, I have immediate family on the spectrum so perhaps that is coming into play when it comes to my issues with touch and sound. Definitly a journey I need to go on in discovering what makes up my abnormal thoughts and feelings, hopefully one I can fully emerse myself in sometime in the near future.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#7
Glad you are searching for answers. Having a diagnosis, as you said, whatever it is, does gives us a solid starting point and a direction for getting our lives together in a way that doesn't keep us upset and symptomatic all the time.

This is not an easy journey, but neither is not knowing where to start. Glad you are here and hope you continue to feel this is a safe space where others really do understand and support the journey.
 
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