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Hi there I am new here. I am 22 years old and after the suggestion from my boyfriend, I think I might have been suffering from PTSD for a number of years. I would love to know if any sufferers experience things like I will describe, it would bring me such comfort - and I would LOVE to have some conversations with you all. This is my first time reaching out to a community about these issues I have.
I have many incidents that one would consider traumatic throughout my life, but I feel most notably in my exposure to my mum's psychotic episodes in which (her disorders) blamed me for, these multiple events nearly cost her life and the things I have heard her say and do, as a 16 years old and the only 'adult' in charge, completely haunt me. I feel so concretely that, even though she has her own struggles and she did not mean the things said and done, I am unloveable and intrinsically bad. I haven not ever shook that stomach feeling and affirmation of ' I am bad' since some day of the events- chronology of which is fuzzy, despite some parts being clear as day.
Since lockdown here in the UK I have noticed my symptoms worsen, most prominantly (something which has been a part of me since one of these incidents- though, I actually couldn't say whichone or what age) is that I am quite literally scared of everything. I hate it. My boyfriend shuts a cupboard too loudly and I feel my heart pound and my stomach knots, giving me a stomach ache. I turn the TV on - the screen flashing on (despite me turning it on..) makes my heart flutter and my stomach knot. A friends leg presses against my leg on a sofa and I suddenly cannot breathe - overwhelmed by feelings od being inherantly bad or disgusting, then leaving the situation, then feeling bad for getting upset, for leaving. A fly is in the room and I get so startled by its bzzing that I run upstairs and have to spend 20 minutes willing myself out of a full scale panic (where possible). Someone raises their voice ever so slightly and I convince myself an argument is happening, one in which I am utterly convinced physically (even where not mentally) that somebody will be hurt, mentally or physically, and that even if I am not at all involved I am convinced it's in some part my fault, or that I should sort it out- which I am too scared to ever do. So then I feel guilty.
I am getting so so upset at myself recently. It seems no matter what I do, concerning literally anything in my life, I feel guilty. 'I said thank you too quitly, the bus driver might not've heard me. He's probably angry at me' - imense guilt, usually paired with some tears, and a sad retreat back home. 'I bought 1 friend a present on their birthday yesterday, but this other friend I only got a card for last year. I have upset them or made them feel like nobody cares or loves them - what if that was their final straw?'. It feels so all-consuming. I will type of such simple messages to my friends for literal hours, being so scared they read it as mean, manipulative or insincere (even if it's literally: great see you there).
I am here trying to reach out to people experiencing similar things, as I feel so incredibly sick of feeling so highly strung almost all of the time. Constantly feeling my heart spike because of something so normal and un-startling. It's exhausting and I feel defeated by the most non descript, basic things in life. It makes me wonder how I will ever cope living a life outside of the four walls of my flat.
I have many incidents that one would consider traumatic throughout my life, but I feel most notably in my exposure to my mum's psychotic episodes in which (her disorders) blamed me for, these multiple events nearly cost her life and the things I have heard her say and do, as a 16 years old and the only 'adult' in charge, completely haunt me. I feel so concretely that, even though she has her own struggles and she did not mean the things said and done, I am unloveable and intrinsically bad. I haven not ever shook that stomach feeling and affirmation of ' I am bad' since some day of the events- chronology of which is fuzzy, despite some parts being clear as day.
Since lockdown here in the UK I have noticed my symptoms worsen, most prominantly (something which has been a part of me since one of these incidents- though, I actually couldn't say whichone or what age) is that I am quite literally scared of everything. I hate it. My boyfriend shuts a cupboard too loudly and I feel my heart pound and my stomach knots, giving me a stomach ache. I turn the TV on - the screen flashing on (despite me turning it on..) makes my heart flutter and my stomach knot. A friends leg presses against my leg on a sofa and I suddenly cannot breathe - overwhelmed by feelings od being inherantly bad or disgusting, then leaving the situation, then feeling bad for getting upset, for leaving. A fly is in the room and I get so startled by its bzzing that I run upstairs and have to spend 20 minutes willing myself out of a full scale panic (where possible). Someone raises their voice ever so slightly and I convince myself an argument is happening, one in which I am utterly convinced physically (even where not mentally) that somebody will be hurt, mentally or physically, and that even if I am not at all involved I am convinced it's in some part my fault, or that I should sort it out- which I am too scared to ever do. So then I feel guilty.
I am getting so so upset at myself recently. It seems no matter what I do, concerning literally anything in my life, I feel guilty. 'I said thank you too quitly, the bus driver might not've heard me. He's probably angry at me' - imense guilt, usually paired with some tears, and a sad retreat back home. 'I bought 1 friend a present on their birthday yesterday, but this other friend I only got a card for last year. I have upset them or made them feel like nobody cares or loves them - what if that was their final straw?'. It feels so all-consuming. I will type of such simple messages to my friends for literal hours, being so scared they read it as mean, manipulative or insincere (even if it's literally: great see you there).
I am here trying to reach out to people experiencing similar things, as I feel so incredibly sick of feeling so highly strung almost all of the time. Constantly feeling my heart spike because of something so normal and un-startling. It's exhausting and I feel defeated by the most non descript, basic things in life. It makes me wonder how I will ever cope living a life outside of the four walls of my flat.
