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Staying alive out of guilt?

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whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I've been thinking a lot about suicide and I wonder why folks seem to think it's preferable to stay alive out of guilt rather than choosing to opt out. I hear over and over again that it's temporary and will get better, that there are all sorts of treatments and meds out there to try, etc.... But frankly, only the suicidal thoughts are temporary; the pain and the lack of motivation are longstanding. They *don't* get better, except for very short periods of time.

It's easy for people who do not have to drag themselves through every day to say that others *must* stay alive, no matter how they feel. To say "take meds" even though they don't work for everyone and only cause side effects that affect functionality. To say "see a therapist" when many do and still feel bad. To say "take a walk" or "change your diet" or "go out and make friends" when they don't understand the paralysis that depression can create.

I hear it a lot. Don't k i ll yourself because you'll hurt your family or because others depend on you. Really? Do it for everybody else, but so sorry there's nothing that can be done about your pain.

So very tired.
 
I hear you. People do not understand the hopelessness we feel sometimes, for long periods of time... and this is a very hard journey. Even people who don't understand how we can't seem to get out of the rabbit hole, do, still have suggestions that help.. fix it??? NOPE, but they do help.. it's a combination of a lot of things, to get us down the road to finding some hope.

I've been where you are. And, again, it was a combination of a lot of small things that helped. I have no magic answers.. but I can hold on to some hope FOR you, that you eventually choose not to take your own life, for you. For no one else, but for you. And you are absolutely right, guilt will not keep us alive.

Know that someone is thinking of you right now... holding onto some hope for you. And as empty as this may sound to you, you are not alone.
 
I could have written your post about 15 years ago. I did stay alive out of guilt. My mother had suffered so much because of my brother's actions that I couldn't do that to her also. Granted, I came to this realization after I attempted suicide, poorly at that. Looking back though, I wasn't ready for help then, and the "advice" of family and friends hurt more than it helped.

Eventually I was ready for help. Medication was of no use, but I found a good therapist and my life became pretty amazing. I didn't suffer from PTSD symptoms for years, got married, life was grand. Now, I am suffering again and am depressed. Now though, I don't want to live out of guilt, but because I've had a taste of what life can be like.

I guess, my point is, you never know what life will become. I'm glad my attempt failed.
 
I feel exactly the same way. I can't remember not feeling it. I've been depressed with suicidal thoughts since I was 5. 20 years and several therapists and dozens of medications later... nothing has changed.

I think I've given up on a better for me. I'm trying to be okay that I live only so others don't suffer. It's unfair and it hurts, but the guilt of doing anything about it is too much.

I'm sorry things are difficult.
 
My last therapy session was like this about how I almost have a duty to stay alive because people may or may not care about me. My thought is what does that matter? Nobody should ever feel like they have to be a martyr. Why do I have to take everyone I've ever come across into consideration when making a decision such as this? The world will still turn and the people left behind will go on living.
I, too, am tired of hearing about exercise, diet change, and making friends. I've done all of these things and I'm still hopeless. Medication never worked for me either or it made me so numb I might as well be dead anyway.
The comfort I feel when I think of no longer existing is an extreme peace I can't even describe. Who actually wants to do this for 70+ years? I know that I don't.
I think the big "S" word is all about what you can and can't handle and about how long you've handled it.
Plus, if you're staying alive out of guilt then family members want you at a safe distance. They don't want to hear about how bad you hurt but they don't want to lose you. They just want to keep you around like a knick knack and how selfish is that?
There are people that have just been through so much, tried so hard, and are so burnt out and ravaged there's nothing left to do but take a permanent vacation. Nobody wins or loses.
 
Yeah, I used to think about that a lot. I'd do math in my head on how much pain my death it would cause others. I thought of all the ways I could kill myself without it looking like suicide. My death would hurt, but not as much as if I had caused it. At least if my death looked like an accident, there wouldn't be any guilt for those close to me.

Then, I ended up realizing that I couldn't keep living for everyone else, that I have to live for me. But that doesn't make it any easier. I'm still tired of it all, and often think about suicide.

My T recently asked me what advice a 60 year old me would give my current self. And I wonder if he wouldn't just tell me that I might as well end it. It doesn't change. If a 14 year old me asked for my advice, I don't know what I'd say. There are times I would just tell them that it's not worth it. Life doesn't get any easier from here on out. It continues to be a constant struggle, with only brief interludes of peace.

So yeah, I wish I could say that living for yourself is easier than living for others. But it is not.
 
Living for our self is what this journey is about. It's about finding the 'self' that none of the abusers touched. It's still there. 'Self' is not the things that happened to us. This is a hard healing journey. No frills or parties thrown for us. But the world still presents a huge place to figure out how to fit inside our own skin.

Suicide always represented RELIEF to me. And I just had to put my big girl panties on, and find other ways to get relief from the pain. Not thru chemicals, not thru self harm, and all the other things we do to make sure we are still alive.. but finding a purpose.

Not preaching, speaking from experience of wasted time trying to figure out how to die, instead of using that same energy to figure out how to live. Something changed, something shifted, don't care how or why or when... but then I got it... No matter what path I chose, it was going to involve pain... so I picked my pain.. the pain of finding me... it was harder, and it hurt, but still grateful today, for picking the pain of healing.
 
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