Stress cup so full... have to move house and no idea where to...

Ecdysis

MyPTSD Pro
So, I'm moving house soon.

Not really of my own choosing (but partly so).

I don't know how soon I'll be moving, or where, just that I need to leave the current housing situation.

I *may* have a rental option close to where I currently live - it's a nice place and the rent is cheap - so I should be thrilled about the possibility, but I'm so dysregulated from having to move and not knowing how/ where, that anything that's less than a 100% certainty is driving me nuts.

There are going to be soooo many hurdles in moving, so many stressors and uncertainties to face and I don't feel up to it one bit. I've been going through a massive episode of depression the last few years and much of that time, the only reason I haven't been inpatient has been because of my pets.

The survival-stress of having to find safe, affordable housing has certainly raised my adrenaline levels, so that's managing to cut through the symptoms of depression, a fair amount.

And I've felt so STUCK in my current housing for ages now - and it's a large part of what's contributed to my depression - so there's an element of relief there too, hoping that some of the depression will just evaporate, by having and end put to the current housing situation.

But I'm dysregulated as f*ck and only getting brief pockets of calm amongst the madness and my brain is definetly in survival mode - it's picking out random stuff to focus on and ignoring everything else. I'm not sure how I'm going to manage months of this level of dysregulation.

I guess I need to start making an excel spreadsheet of all the tasks that need doing.

We've got 3 real-estate agents coming to look at the current house next week, so I'm currently focused on that.

And I need to work out how to mentally make this a marathon... not a sprint... I need the adrenaline levels to simmer down a bit, so they get me through the long haul.

And I need to work out how to give this move some *meaning*.

Right now, all I see is that I'm forced to move house because the current housing situation is untenable. That feels so negative. Like I'm just trying to fix a problem.

I need to find some meaning for this move that makes it personal... Need to find a way of making it part of my story.

And I need to forgive myself for all the messy, dysregulated things I'm going to be doing along the way.

As long as I make it through the next few months and get my stuff moved, look after the animals and hopefully not lose my job in the process... then things'll somehow turn out okay...
 
Right now, all I see is that I'm forced to move house because the current housing situation is untenable. That feels so negative.
Or, the current situation is untenable but you have the opportunity to fix that by moving?
Like I'm just trying to fix a problem.
"Just"? IDK, to me, being able to fix a problem is a major accomplishment. There's something about your current situation that's not working. You can actually take control of the situation and make it work better. All you have to do is move and you're already found a place to move to that sounds pretty good. Doesn't sound like a small thing to me. But maybe I'm not understanding the "just" part of fixing a problem.
 
you're already found a place to move to that sounds pretty good
Well, I've found a place that I can maybe, potentially move to... if the owner agrees to have me as a tenant... That still feels like a pretty huge "if" to me atm, but I'm just trying to put that out of my mind and not obsess about it, until I hear back about it with a yay/ nay.

maybe I'm not understanding the "just" part of fixing a problem
Hmm, well, I think it feels different to me, than say... having a dream of wanting to move to whatever city... or to go live on the coast... or in the mountains... or moving because you've gotten a really great job offer... or to go live with a partner you love... Those things would be inspirational reasons to move...

But I'm just moving because I have to... because there's a problem that needs fixing... Heh, I dunno if it's just me, but I find that pretty uninspirational.

But eh, maybe my standards are too high.

I am a bit proud, that I'm finally putting an end to a housing situation that was not healthy for me... While it has taken me long enough (too long?) to reach that decision, there's plenty of people who never manage to say "Enough's enough, I'm putting self-care as my top priority now..."

idk...

Anyway... in some news that I actually find very exciting, I have managed to wrangle 10 (!) massage appointments booked over the space of the next 12 weeks. They're cranio-sacral massages, so the therapist just every so gently massages my head/ skull... But it is amaaaaaazing. I've been there in the past, dysregulated absolutely off my rocker for weeks because of final exams and he's done 20 minutes of cranio-sacral massage and I've walked out of there so recouperated as if I'd just spent a 6 week holiday just lazing at the beach...

So that's going to be my big magic-trick re-regulation joker for the next 3 months of relocation madness, which makes me think YES, I can survive this...
 
I think (yet again) one of the reasons I find this so stressful and triggering is that I cut off all contact to my FOO in my early 20s (except one person and they live overseas, a long way away from me).

So, other than the smallish support network I've been able to build over the years, this sort of stuff always leaves me one very small step away from homelessness, if things go badly.

I've got no family to help with the move, to help when things get tight financially, or at whose house I could stay or store stuff, if things got complicated.

It's like this invisible factor... Moving house is totally different when you've gone no-contact with your family of origin, compared to moving house for everyone who's got a vaguely functional, non-toxic family to reach out to for support.

I never really give myself credit for how much more massively challenging these life events are without a family support network. I just expect myself to suck it up and just "cope" somehow, as there's no other option.

I have reached out to some social workers tho, who I rely on as subsitute family for support in situations like these. I've got one appointment next week, and am waiting to hear back from 2 other social workers through 2 other support centers here locally.
 
I have reached out to some social workers tho, who I rely on as subsitute family for support in situations like these. I've got one appointment next week, and am waiting to hear back from 2 other social workers through 2 other support centers here locally.
Excellent plan @Ecdysis !

The unfortunate is most of those groups are local so its hard to help you.
 
So, I'm spending today tidying up as good as I can.

My depression's been so awful that housework has not been a priority... 😣

I've got 2 real-estate agents coming to look at the farm tomorrow afternoon and two more on Thursday.

I'm trying to just tidy the stuff that's the most annoying eyesore and trying to ignore everything else, so I don't get stuck and bogged down and de-motivated.

Having a half hour break atm and then will start on the next round of tidying...
 
I think (yet again) one of the reasons I find this so stressful and triggering is that I cut off all contact to my FOO in my early 20s (except one person and they live overseas, a long way away from me).

So, other than the smallish support network I've been able to build over the years, this sort of stuff always leaves me one very small step away from homelessness, if things go badly.

I've got no family to help with the move, to help when things get tight financially, or at whose house I could stay or store stuff, if things got complicated.

It's like this invisible factor... Moving house is totally different when you've gone no-contact with your family of origin, compared to moving house for everyone who's got a vaguely functional, non-toxic family to reach out to for support.

I never really give myself credit for how much more massively challenging these life events are without a family support network. I just expect myself to suck it up and just "cope" somehow, as there's no other option.

I have reached out to some social workers tho, who I rely on as subsitute family for support in situations like these. I've got one appointment next week, and am waiting to hear back from 2 other social workers through 2 other support centers here locally.
No family here (also by choice) so I totally understand that having to do everything on your own feels so different than choosing to do everything on your own! Just like having to move feels different than wanting to move. It makes me feel like I’m still surviving rather than thriving, going with the least bad option rather than the option I actually want. You’re right that you’re not giving yourself enough credit. I hope everything goes well for you with the social workers. You deserve the support. It’s not fair that you’ve had to put extra effort and time into finding that support that some people are lucky enough to be born into, but you can be proud that you’re advocating for yourself so well!

**I wish I could edit! I said no family by choice, but again, it didn’t feel like a choice.
 
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Hmm...
I've been meeting with real-estate agents to sell the farm and had a really weird appointment with one today.
This one was from our bank and I disliked him, right from the first phone call.
He was here this morning and I've been really dysregulated since.
It was such a weird appointment.
It's certainly triggered a whole lot of PTSD stuff.
I feel like he is trying to trick me.
I can't even explain it right, because I'm too dysregulated.
But yeah, it felt fraudulent, somehow. Fishy. Like he was trying to trap me.
He was polite. It wasn't that he was obviously rude.
But he was playing power games and trying to intimidate me.
Which, omg, I need like a hole in the head right now.
This whole process of selling and moving is triggering the shit out of me already, anyway.
I've got an appt with a colleague of his from the bank tomorrow, to sort out an interim loan.
I know they work together, so I'm wondering whether tomorrow will be Part Two of being played.
Ugh.
I've got another appointment with another real-estate agent coming up in half an hour.
No idea how to get myself re-regulated enough to be professional for that appt... Sigh...
I may have to change banks... I really, really, really dislike this guy.
 
So, it's been 5 weeks since I first wrote about this here... It's been a strange 5 weeks.

For the first 3 weeks or so, I was intensely dysregulated, just a hyper-vigilant mess and couldn't sleep at night, obsessively worrying about this issue (moving house) during the day.

Then, my brain seemed to sort of naturally reach a limit of "this is too much, I can't cope like this" and I went into a somewhat more chilled, fatalistic mode of acceptance, where I'm telling myself that this is the task that life has thrown at me now and that however it turns out will be fate/ destiny. That doesn't mean that I'm being passive and just letting things happen, but I've given up trying to 100% control things that are beyond my control in this situation.

It's been an intense 5 weeks... I've met with so many people, made so many phone calls, viewed other properties, spoken to ppl who are potentially interested in buying the farm, talked to social workes, networked with people... it's been an endless slew of tasks, appointments and phone calls. Somehow, I'm managing to stay minimally functional enough to get these things done, while also so numbed to my emotions most of the time, that I manage to go through these appointments feeling very little, which is actually helpful as a coping mechanism right now.

In a fortnight from now, I may (hopefully) find out if I can rent a place nearby. It's kept getting delayed (like so many other things about this whole moving/ selling process). So, currently I'm just trying to force my brain to shut up, wait those 2 weeks, try to do useful tasks in the meantime and just delay worrying about "what happens if I don't get this rental place" until the time when that decision is actually made or not made.

It's a pretty weird survival mode... just sort of numb, semi-functioning and turning my brain off as much as possible until individual events/ decisions arise.

I guess, all things considered, this is a good thing. I'm not inpatient, I'm not dysregulated out of my mind, I'm not a catatonic non-functional mess, I've been going to work 3 days a week and not calling in sick.

So I'm "functioning" a lot better than I expected and I'm less of a total mess than I thought I'd be.

But yeah, my brain is basically offline atm, as are my emotions. It's not a pleasant state, but eh, at least it's not worse.

Right now, I've no idea what I'll do if that rental place doesn't work out... Actually, that's not quite true, I have made a back-up safety plan of how I can stay on the farm long enough to find a new place... So theoretically, there's no longer the crazy-making time pressure that I was so scared of initially. But that plan is only a temporary one (if needed then for an extended period of time, but still temporary).

I wish I had the headspace to deal with other stuff (emotions, my life, friends, plans, etc) but I just utterly don't, right now.

I need to try and accept that THIS (moving house) is my big life task for 2023 and everything else will have to wait.

One thing that I'm starting to feel a vague sense of gratitude for is that I'm starting to feel that this is a really healthy decision. I've clung onto the farm for too long and accepted some very unhealthy situations related to/ connected to the farm - basically putting up with anything/ everything because I didn't want to "lose" the farm. It's taken a massive toll on my physical and mental health and on my happiness. For the longest time, I just absolutely refused to take the step that I needed to - to let go of the farm... I just clung on to it while things got worse and worse and worse. I had to reach a kind of "breaking point" before I finally made the decision to let go. The first weeks of that were just really painful and things felt like they were getting worse, not better... but that's started to shift a bit... I can start to see the signs that this was a decision that was well overdue and little signs of improvement are starting to pop up around the edges, confirming that this was definitely the right, healthy choice to make. This is still all being very much clouded over by the existential worry about finding a new place, but eventually when that issue is resolved, I hope things will start feeling more positive overall.
 
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