Stress cup so full... have to move house and no idea where to...

[Ecdysis]

So, I'm moving house soon.

Not really of my own choosing (but partly so).

I don't know how soon I'll be moving, or where, just that I need to leave the current housing situation.

I *may* have a rental option close to where I currently live - it's a nice place and the rent is cheap - so I should be thrilled about the possibility, but I'm so dysregulated from having to move and not knowing how/ where, that anything that's less than a 100% certainty is driving me nuts.

There are going to be soooo many hurdles in moving, so many stressors and uncertainties to face and I don't feel up to it one bit. I've been going through a massive episode of depression the last few years and much of that time, the only reason I haven't been inpatient has been because of my pets.

The survival-stress of having to find safe, affordable housing has certainly raised my adrenaline levels, so that's managing to cut through the symptoms of depression, a fair amount.

And I've felt so STUCK in my current housing for ages now - and it's a large part of what's contributed to my depression - so there's an element of relief there too, hoping that some of the depression will just evaporate, by having and end put to the current housing situation.

But I'm dysregulated as f*ck and only getting brief pockets of calm amongst the madness and my brain is definetly in survival mode - it's picking out random stuff to focus on and ignoring everything else. I'm not sure how I'm going to manage months of this level of dysregulation.

I guess I need to start making an excel spreadsheet of all the tasks that need doing.

We've got 3 real-estate agents coming to look at the current house next week, so I'm currently focused on that.

And I need to work out how to mentally make this a marathon... not a sprint... I need the adrenaline levels to simmer down a bit, so they get me through the long haul.

And I need to work out how to give this move some *meaning*.

Right now, all I see is that I'm forced to move house because the current housing situation is untenable. That feels so negative. Like I'm just trying to fix a problem.

I need to find some meaning for this move that makes it personal... Need to find a way of making it part of my story.

And I need to forgive myself for all the messy, dysregulated things I'm going to be doing along the way.

As long as I make it through the next few months and get my stuff moved, look after the animals and hopefully not lose my job in the process... then things'll somehow turn out okay...

 

[Freddyt]

I start singing a Johnny Cash song....

I did it one piece at a time....... Make a list. Make a schedule. that's my deal. Hold your self to the schedule. Somehow I always manage to get it done if I schedule it.

 

[scout86]

Right now, all I see is that I'm forced to move house because the current housing situation is untenable. That feels so negative.

Or, the current situation is untenable but you have the opportunity to fix that by moving?

Like I'm just trying to fix a problem.

"Just"? IDK, to me, being able to fix a problem is a major accomplishment. There's something about your current situation that's not working. You can actually take control of the situation and make it work better. All you have to do is move and you're already found a place to move to that sounds pretty good. Doesn't sound like a small thing to me. But maybe I'm not understanding the "just" part of fixing a problem.

 

[Ecdysis]

you're already found a place to move to that sounds pretty good

Well, I've found a place that I can maybe, potentially move to... if the owner agrees to have me as a tenant... That still feels like a pretty huge "if" to me atm, but I'm just trying to put that out of my mind and not obsess about it, until I hear back about it with a yay/ nay.

maybe I'm not understanding the "just" part of fixing a problem

Hmm, well, I think it feels different to me, than say... having a dream of wanting to move to whatever city... or to go live on the coast... or in the mountains... or moving because you've gotten a really great job offer... or to go live with a partner you love... Those things would be inspirational reasons to move...

But I'm just moving because I have to... because there's a problem that needs fixing... Heh, I dunno if it's just me, but I find that pretty uninspirational.

But eh, maybe my standards are too high.

I am a bit proud, that I'm finally putting an end to a housing situation that was not healthy for me... While it has taken me long enough (too long?) to reach that decision, there's plenty of people who never manage to say "Enough's enough, I'm putting self-care as my top priority now..."

idk...

Anyway... in some news that I actually find very exciting, I have managed to wrangle 10 (!) massage appointments booked over the space of the next 12 weeks. They're cranio-sacral massages, so the therapist just every so gently massages my head/ skull... But it is amaaaaaazing. I've been there in the past, dysregulated absolutely off my rocker for weeks because of final exams and he's done 20 minutes of cranio-sacral massage and I've walked out of there so recouperated as if I'd just spent a 6 week holiday just lazing at the beach...

So that's going to be my big magic-trick re-regulation joker for the next 3 months of relocation madness, which makes me think YES, I can survive this...

 

[scout86]

I am a bit proud, that I'm finally putting an end to a housing situation that was not healthy for me.

That's a totally legitimate reason to be pleased with yourself. Give yourself credit for it! My life has kind of been all about "problem solving" so solving a problem is an accomplishment to be appreciated, for sure.

 

[arfie]

Need to find a way of making it part of my story

it already is part of your story. personally, i find stories more interesting when i don't know what is on the next page.

steadying support while you write the next page. you got this.

 

[Ecdysis]

I think (yet again) one of the reasons I find this so stressful and triggering is that I cut off all contact to my FOO in my early 20s (except one person and they live overseas, a long way away from me).

So, other than the smallish support network I've been able to build over the years, this sort of stuff always leaves me one very small step away from homelessness, if things go badly.

I've got no family to help with the move, to help when things get tight financially, or at whose house I could stay or store stuff, if things got complicated.

It's like this invisible factor... Moving house is totally different when you've gone no-contact with your family of origin, compared to moving house for everyone who's got a vaguely functional, non-toxic family to reach out to for support.

I never really give myself credit for how much more massively challenging these life events are without a family support network. I just expect myself to suck it up and just "cope" somehow, as there's no other option.

I have reached out to some social workers tho, who I rely on as subsitute family for support in situations like these. I've got one appointment next week, and am waiting to hear back from 2 other social workers through 2 other support centers here locally.

 

[Freddyt]

I have reached out to some social workers tho, who I rely on as subsitute family for support in situations like these. I've got one appointment next week, and am waiting to hear back from 2 other social workers through 2 other support centers here locally.

Excellent plan @Ecdysis !

The unfortunate is most of those groups are local so its hard to help you.

 

[Ecdysis]

So, I'm spending today tidying up as good as I can.

My depression's been so awful that housework has not been a priority... 😣

I've got 2 real-estate agents coming to look at the farm tomorrow afternoon and two more on Thursday.

I'm trying to just tidy the stuff that's the most annoying eyesore and trying to ignore everything else, so I don't get stuck and bogged down and de-motivated.

Having a half hour break atm and then will start on the next round of tidying...

 

[Miss Scapegoat]

I think (yet again) one of the reasons I find this so stressful and triggering is that I cut off all contact to my FOO in my early 20s (except one person and they live overseas, a long way away from me).

So, other than the smallish support network I've been able to build over the years, this sort of stuff always leaves me one very small step away from homelessness, if things go badly.

I've got no family to help with the move, to help when things get tight financially, or at whose house I could stay or store stuff, if things got complicated.

It's like this invisible factor... Moving house is totally different when you've gone no-contact with your family of origin, compared to moving house for everyone who's got a vaguely functional, non-toxic family to reach out to for support.

I never really give myself credit for how much more massively challenging these life events are without a family support network. I just expect myself to suck it up and just "cope" somehow, as there's no other option.

I have reached out to some social workers tho, who I rely on as subsitute family for support in situations like these. I've got one appointment next week, and am waiting to hear back from 2 other social workers through 2 other support centers here locally.

No family here (also by choice) so I totally understand that having to do everything on your own feels so different than choosing to do everything on your own! Just like having to move feels different than wanting to move. It makes me feel like I’m still surviving rather than thriving, going with the least bad option rather than the option I actually want. You’re right that you’re not giving yourself enough credit. I hope everything goes well for you with the social workers. You deserve the support. It’s not fair that you’ve had to put extra effort and time into finding that support that some people are lucky enough to be born into, but you can be proud that you’re advocating for yourself so well!

**I wish I could edit! I said no family by choice, but again, it didn’t feel like a choice.

 

[Ecdysis]

Hmm...
I've been meeting with real-estate agents to sell the farm and had a really weird appointment with one today.
This one was from our bank and I disliked him, right from the first phone call.
He was here this morning and I've been really dysregulated since.
It was such a weird appointment.
It's certainly triggered a whole lot of PTSD stuff.
I feel like he is trying to trick me.
I can't even explain it right, because I'm too dysregulated.
But yeah, it felt fraudulent, somehow. Fishy. Like he was trying to trap me.
He was polite. It wasn't that he was obviously rude.
But he was playing power games and trying to intimidate me.
Which, omg, I need like a hole in the head right now.
This whole process of selling and moving is triggering the shit out of me already, anyway.
I've got an appt with a colleague of his from the bank tomorrow, to sort out an interim loan.
I know they work together, so I'm wondering whether tomorrow will be Part Two of being played.
Ugh.
I've got another appointment with another real-estate agent coming up in half an hour.
No idea how to get myself re-regulated enough to be professional for that appt... Sigh...
I may have to change banks... I really, really, really dislike this guy.