Stress... Ohh Damn Stress: Rant-summary

[Deleted member 28403]

So, where do I start...
Lets say this: about two months ago I went to korea for a science olympiad, at which I won the silver medal. Then after 10-12 days I returned.
Straight into a shitload of stress, and bad stuff happening. Then till now and still am working on resolving the situations.
Thats a very rough summary of what happened, but the situations were and are very destabilizing. Which led to me being completely stressed and out of control. Just the right thing I need just a month after a suicide attempt (sarcasam). So I was stressed out, then a series of events started. Basically a positive feedback loop propelled by the formula of me compulsively overeating while trying to cope with stress, which made me gain fat, very rapidly, which made me start panicking and seriously stress out over it, and as I gained weight, getting more and more depressed, as I can't handle being fat again, it playing a role in previous trauma, and that destabilized me even more. So here I was in a repeating circle of depression of anxiety that was boosting itself forwards. I gained 8kg in about a week and a half. Completely terrified. I then tried to slow it, and was quite failing, but managed to hold weight at some point for a couple days at a time, but still no going to weight loss. Now I'm at nearly 85kg, from 73kg I had before. Completely unstable and on edge. Most of my weight loss work is gone, wasted, and I feel shit all the time. My wish is for some magical pill that can make me feel happy so I can do something about this. But there is currently nothing such, and my constant are panic attacks, and depression. I don't feel like doing anything anymore and just want to stop feeling at all, for some longer period or die, or anything so that this isn't happening. My success at school is rapidly dropping, and I can't handle anything at all. And every single bad thing is happening at the same time.

Gonna write more later

 

[Deleted member 28403]

So yea, that shit is just an insta stuck circle that I am stuck in, and I can't f*cking handle it. But I don't know how to stop it. Self care dropoed to zero, I forget how much I ate, overeat, forget to wash teeth, forget to shower, forget everything, tests, schoolbooks, everythig that should be in the school bag. Knowing what year it is would be luxury anyway.

I don't have any strength left, from when I wake up, till when I fall asleep. I fall asleep random places, on couch, table, in front of a teacher while actively trying to participate. I don't have strength for anything. I don't even need extra triggers anymore, I am triggering to myself due to abuse and previous twisted self image (but thats fur eine andere thread).

I started dreaming again, and woooo, nightmares, just what I need. It's just shitty. I don't kniw what to do and don't feel like I'm going anywhere lifewise. I'm just turning into a nosedive from which I can't pull up. I don't know what to do.

Like, seriously, f*ck this, recognizing all thats wrong and evem how to solve it wont help if I can't get myself to do anything about it.

I really need a magical hapoy pill... Anyone happen to have one.

Also, for end, my anxiety meds ran out too early.

 

[hodge]

Saelben, first of all, major congratulations on winning the silver!!!! That is quite an accomplishment. And you should feel confident and proud of yourself. I am very proud of you!!!

Okay, now the cr*p. You need to keep reminding yourself of how bright you are, how successfully you did at the competition. Remember your best self and strive to live up to it. You CAN lose the weight. You've done it before.

As for the anxiety meds, you can call your doctor, explain the circumstances, and see if he will refill them.

The only magic pill is in your heart, with God's help and therapy's help. I'm praying for you, hon.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Clicked the like button to let you know that you are being listened to and heard.

As I was growing up (dust the cob webs off the diary and plucks from a bookshelf) my smartest friends did the most spiraling out. So first...congrats are due on your medal and brilliant mind.:notworthy::tup: It is a big deal and I thank you for sharing it.

Secondly...consider pushing the parents to take you to get more meds (((hugs))) and talk to the Dr about your script as that can increase symptoms at times instead of slowing them down.

Third...have you had a chance to listen to the Audio Book for Mindfulness for Depression? They have recently done more studies now and the success rate is surpassing the meds. Of course some must remain on meds per instruction by a professional, so I am not (repeat not) suggesting you just cease the meds.

I believe in you and your value. (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Thank you for opening up.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@hodge
Mommy, if only it was easy. I maybe had the silver but now am barely scoring 60% on a low level test. I am afraid. I wish my real mother was anything but a whole bunch of yelling and enforcing her opinion, with added in lack of understanding for feelings.

I am afraid of saying to myself I don't suck, while there is more and more proof I do suck. I don't want to ignore the bad shit, I want to change it, but at this point it seems like I will just fail... Completely.

I have current meds because I asked for something, but it was supposed to be a period to get off em, as I have a bit of formed addiction already, from plenty of periods I was taking them. I hope to get a change in about 5 days when I see my theraphist-psychiatrist again.

As for the magic pill, I guess now I gotta get a scalpel and a doctor to gain access to it? I am a chaotic mix, I wish I had some support and hugs instead of yelling and blaming. :(

 

[Recovery4Me]

No cutting @Saelben . (((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Visualize a surfboard and ride the waves of emotions as you breath and release. Do not let them wash over you...surf the tops until you reach shore or near the shoreline. :hug: May take some time each day but it may help.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Recovery4Me
For the first part: yea, that is common. I just felt so stable for some time before that this hit me like a planet orbiting in the opposite direction around a blackhole. It got me completely out of balance, and I have just been falling since.

Second I answered, but yea, I'm trying to not be addict anymore. Though to instability not working.

Third, I tried, but I haven't much of anything that can play audio most of the time, so I maybe heard 10 minutes.

Thank you for listening, I wish I could help back as much :hug:

 

[hodge]

Hon, you have my support and hugs. Big :hug:s I didn't have a nice mother. I had to learn to ignore her as much as I could so I could succeed at school. I pray you can do the same. My dad (who divorced my mom) would tell me that sometimes you have to be selfish. This means that if the person(s) who are supposed to be your main support are not supporting you, you need to do it for yourself.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Saelben

I have seen you cycle and I know it is hard. Often my gut & heart hurts as I watch you struggle so. But this I can offer, you have courage, vision and when you get to college you will take the world by storm. You are making a difference everyday. If there is one thing that I know that you can do ...it is to believe that you are designed for a purpose. It will take a journey, perhaps a lifetime to see it unfold. So give yourself permission to succeed and be cared about.

Fight for the right...to have your turn in the world. Do not give up (((((((hugs))))))). This cycle of chemistry flux will pass.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Okay, but what do I do, like, I barely make myself get up and I'm too tired to be awake, even after sleeping way to much, especially comparing to before I was getting extremely depressed.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Read through your diary perhaps to remember that you have pulled out of this before. Review if you went to the Dr's or T or what healthy things that you pulled out from your toolbox to work through the depression. Develop a strong plan to combat the weight of this feeling knowing you have been victorious before!!! Consider recording it in the diary for the future.

Create, learn something new, learn to name positive emotions that can change the chemical process one moment at a time. Be resilient. Make a mantra of what you will do to rise. Try to solve a really hard math equation (I know you are good at math, right?)

In other words, say depression sucks and just know you have beat it before. You can do it again. (((((hugs)))) And no, I do not think it is easy...as I fight depression myself but I do often win back a happier self.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

So basically, I should try to replace compulsive feeling bad with compulsive working, yea, that worked before... But the problem is currently I cannot make myself get up most of the time. And it's just pilling up the longer it stay... Making it harder and harder...

There is too much stuff on my mind, and even basic hygiene and self care stuff is becoming really hard...