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Structural Dissociation And 'chatter' And Subsequent Answer

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shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
If Structural Dissociation wasn't just a theory, I would say that I am the poster child for SD. It explains so much to me as to how I trigger, process and then release.

When I am triggered into a 'part', I know the feeling. I get it now. I am not consciously saying at the time 'I am in part' but my body knows it. My shoulders hunch, I can't think properly, and I usually end up horizontal after what seems like a battle to 'act normal'.

My body MAKES me process. I recognize that is what I am doing when I am put into these states. I am trying my hardest to be happy that it is doing so.... that it is trying to help me get to the light at the end of the trauma tunnel.

I have noticed that all the way along when I have been 'in part', that I will drop physically and my head races around 'reorganizing' things. Or I will sleep and have dreams.

Last night I was triggered into such a state again. Alot happened yesterday, one thing being a potential 'discussion' in the kitchen which is a hot spot for me. I reacted all day and was fighting it, dropped last night, woke up this morning and it came to me. It was just a voice....and a knowing voice. "it was the kitchen".

f*ck! Of course! Of course it was the kitchen! Got it! Thank you!

My question is, are any of you able to tap into a 'knowing voice' or a 'knowing something' that lets you know with clarity and certainty what triggered a reaction? How do these answers come to you?
 
I don't so much have a knowing voice, but recognize the imagery or gestures, especially when coming across other images. Like it helps me to look at artwork, statues, etc, and understand my own spectrum of inner-outer, how I collapse, and then look at where/when that happens. Turns out it's any time of the day, any time of the week, when I just have to be out in the world without the few structures that support me (music, movement, my dog). So that's a lot. I adapt by not looking at people and focusing on a task (like shopping, etc). It's hard to look up or out, or look directly at people (this would relate most likely to attachment trauma for me).

It's hard to hold myself up and just be "me", in my body, without some supporting activity or structure. In music I can be quite confident and more of myself. Unfortunately I've over-done that since it was my one resource (so, quite deeply injured in my connective tissues and joints). Learning how to do this without my typical supports is very hard. Not sure this all relates to what you are talking about...but I do notice my triggers more (just not quite in the same way you notice) and it's a little overwhelming to realize that it is almost all of life. So I'm more testing how I safely creep out of my inner state and collapse when I can, and also resting when I can. Like I'm slowly, slowly building muscles to exist.

Even in the quiet safety of my home I do not want to hold myself up, because I am just plain exhausted. I curl in and rest. I do notice pain is worse when there is real present need to be upright and direct, yet also not supported by my structures or slipping into something more artificial like my humor. Just be direct, like at an important meeting. It's not really anxiety over the topics or anything...it's the exhausting feeling of having to hold myself upright, look at people, and say what I really think. f*cking hurts.
 
Odd man out again it seems. :blackeye::(

Inner chatter that promotes false sense of isolation for you is quickly swooshed by my sword point. Shim, you are far from the odd woman out!:hug: Consider not everyone can come forward in confidence of acceptance on this board with such an vulnerable pose. You are actually quite courageous and fierce in your will to heal. Give it time....the thread is young. x
 
As for the odd-man-out...first, I don't think it's true. But you also zoom into constructs that not everyone might relate too, while the underlying experiences are probably relatable to many of us. For example, I have my somatic therapy experiences, and then my experiences of really early body memories that can't be explained in normal ways. I can try to put into words here, but it's just not a total experience everyone will relate to (probably few).

Our particulars are our own and they can be isolating. But I really relate to the inner witness (or however you would personally define it) that can't tell you, the triggered part of you, what the trigger was. I'm learning that for me too. For me it's more observing my bodily responses, my postures, and my pain. I've known for a long time that just holding myself up is f*cking hard, and it's been gnarly because it does not relate itself to one neat experience (like, "Aha! This is the moment I fell apart!"...unfortunately, no, and I think that's a lot like what you experience, right? The complex and layered trauma part). But it's great to know that I can learn to understand this stuff better for myself and challenge myself when I feel okay-ish (not in pain). And when in pain, the witness/aware part that is not swamped (that part has emerged slowly) can help prevent a total meltdown in response to the pain. Instead, I rest or respond to the pain gently and understand it is temporary.

Still not sure I'm relating well on these points, but I appreciate how you frame the complexity of trauma for you. It's important for me to find some language and make sense of it. The body stuff is most important. But using this forum to read others' experience and write out what I'm able to articulate of my own is so helpful. You aint alone!
 
My question is, are any of you able to tap into a 'knowing voice' or a 'knowing something' that lets you know with clarity and certainty what triggered a reaction?
Sometimes. Now that I'm aware that there are "questions" and am actually looking for answers. Sometimes.

Sometimes it actually IS a "voice". (although it seems to upset my T when I call it a "voice" so, to make him more comfortable, I'll call it a "thought that I experience as if it were a sound". LOL) Sometimes I feel like a character in a cartoon, with a light bulb over their head, because an insight just shows up, apparently out of nowhere. Weird! But not unlike your "it's the kitchen!) thing.

My T says we can, deliberately, use dreams for this. Before falling asleep, he suggests asking yourself the question you'd like the answer to. I had that work quite well once. The second time I tried it, it led to a series of gory, bloody dreams about disasters, usually where horses were the victim, that I was powerless to stop. Although I tried. And I was usually ignored by any other humans present....... I suspect there was an answer buried there, someplace. I decided I preferred "sleep" to an answer, at least for awhile.

Hey! I wasn't "here" until a little bit ago! Patience!!! :D People can't respond to stuff they haven't had a chance to read! (I was actually avoiding the forum as a part of avoiding the homework assignment that's turning out to bother me WAY more than seems reasonable.LOL :cautious:) It IS the weekend after all......
 
There are different learning styles eg auditory, visual, kinetic etc. each person favors one but typical has most of them. I would propose that you hear a voice because you are predominantly an auditory learner, where as others would experience the same but as a vision etc.

If I'm right, it might make you feel less alone, if I'm wrong, sorry, it's just what came to mind.
 
it seems to upset my T when I call it a "voice"

I think that's kind of why I don't experience any audio when dealing with my parts. I was raised to be fearful of psychiatrists, psychologists and institutions. Any time I did something that was a visible sign of 'being crazy' (talking to myself, rocking, leg bouncing), my mother and her psychology degree were there to tell me that I was showing symptoms of a psychiatric disorder, and to stop it if I didn't want to go to the nuthouse.

So, while I have 'aha' moments, they tend to take the form of a flashback to the event underlying the trigger.
 
If Structural Dissociation wasn't just a theory

'Gravity' is also just a theory - a theory that happens to tie a whole bunch of apparently unrelated phenomena together and explains them really well. Einstein came up with a theory that describes the movements of stellar objects a bit more accurately, but gravity is good enough for me. Structural dissociation is also good enough for me - we may well come up with a better theory at some point, but it ties everything together really well, and the predictions it makes are reliable and useful.
 
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