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Struggling after home invasion

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Sanctuary

Confident
< moderator moved post from another thread to begin new thread >

May I ask a question? without being a troll and taking the post off topic?

Im new here as well,but I posted under a different name 9 years ago.
Only to come back trying to find the answers to my questions, then realizeing it was my own words i was reading!

It only registered with me as it was the same the date of trauma 8th Decemeber, and my anniversary PTSD symptoms
are severe.
What im asking is..
Every time i go to the dentist and someone touches me on my shoulder im throne into a flashback of my attacker dragging me for the door and trying to escape. It so horrific for me, what came next that even if my sister touches me on my shoulder at xmas, its like SCUMBAG has come back and dragging me into the past, but its happening now... Does anyone else get this? Like im in a time wolp? Spelling . sorry?
Its one of the part of the trauma that lasted 3hours i still have trouble coming to terms with..

Im like can i replace this traumaic memory that keeps repeating into a new memory/overlay of a dental nurse being kind and touching my
shoulder to reassure me that im doing well during a root canal.!
Im a very good patient, becasue i can easily dissociate and be someone else in my mind.
I can feel the physical pain( have root canal without numbing or injection ) but im somewhere else in my mind,so can get throught it.
Is this a postive for trauma survivors? That we can use dissocation in a postive way?

I just want to find a way to deal with the traumaic memories that are so horrific that my mind keeps replaying them in present day
without my control.
How do you deal with being awoken by an intruder whilst you where sleeping?....
My body never forgets and i jolt awake.
Is Their any other human being out their that has come to terms with being attacked whilst they where sleeping at 9am in the morning by a man that had broken into the house.?
I dont know how to deal with this 21 years later.?
Any ideas ,something that will help. anything you have found you do that works woul dbe so apprecaited.
Apolgies to orginal poster , i hope your still here and any words wisdom would be welcome
 
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So am i the only one?
It would really help to hear some words of understanding..Something i can do to help myslef.
I went to the library and they only had one book on PTSD .i have chronic complex PTSD .
How is everyone else coping dealing with things?
I wanted to buy a book online to help but its 20 pound.
I am a good person with a good heart and kind soul but im struggling ..with the anniversay coming.
 
THank you for being their..I tried EMDR once, many many years ago. Im awaiting to go back into treatment. Does it ever get any easier?I asked my doctor how do i come to terms with something so horrific? She told me to incoporate it into my being.. But how?
Dec 8th is the trauma date same as you ,how have you coped? what do you do that helps? Any advice from another survior is so respected.
Thank you
 
hi
for a long time i struggled, but i think the home invasion for me was the straw that broke the camels back, i wasnt diagnosed for almost 14 months when i had a complete mental breakdown, for me the diagnoses was a relief i felt i was going mad, there were many other things happening and going wrong in my life at the time and had been for quite some time, but the home invasion was very much on my mind daily, he was caught and jailed and to some extent that helped, i think it is now that i am finally going back over my life and pin pointing many many signs of things not being right, i would say i have had c-ptsd since a child and never knew it.....
my way of dealing with the ptsd diagnoses was actual glee almost felt vilified, every bad thing i had been accused off, every bad decision i made in the 14 mths before were explainable, people who had disowned me now felt sorry for me and peoples reactions were of pity and they would say sorry to hear that....but for me...it was a diagnoses of an illness....so that meant it could be cured...i could get better.....i could become me again....

but as i am sure you know that is not the case.....i think for some reason i thought taking the anti-depressents would make me happy again and i had this 6 month figure in my head that by then i would have been through CBT and i would no longer need the tablets and life would be the way it used to be........wrong again.....i went from welcoming the diagnoses to fighting it.....i thought surely after 2 years it cant be that....i have dealt with the home invasion..i have moved on.....for me it was a series of bad luck....bad management.....alcohol abuse didnt help.....i think i made a decision to stop fighting it and make it my best freind.....i learnt everything i could about it......i wore my mental illness like a badge of pride.....i stopped hating him and blaming him for how i was feeling right then.......i stopped blaming him for my life being a mess.....i started to acknowledge that i was already mentally ill before he entered my life......i took my illness away from him and set him free.....i owned my illness not him......people have in the past, who themselves are struggling with mental illness asked how did i do it.....how did i cure it.....and i say over and over....i haven't....nor do i ever think i will.....i just manage it....i know my weaknesses, my triggers and i try to prepare myself for it and i let people know that i can see the black cloud rolling in...and i know NOW that the dark days will pass, i know i have to allow myself the time and space to get through it, i dont have to do anything i dont want to, that said it doesnt take away the fact that money has to be earned and bills to be paid, and bosses are not always very understanding, nor does it stop the anxiety or tears, but i keep my eyes focussed on that light at the end of the tunnel.
it is by continually being aware of my moods, actions, thought processes that i arrive where i am today.....coming to the end of another major depressive cycle, worst one i have had in a while, but of late i have somewhat been living a lie and over the last few years i have been very open about whats going on in my life, and i have this mantra of secrets and lies cause undue stress and the hole we dig to protect them secrets and lies becomes our grave.....if i have no secrets then no one can claim to have a hold on me....i am above approach and can walk tall.
so as i approached this latest episode i was confused as to why, what has caused this, and i do feel having soul searched and gone back into my past i can find the ultimate cause in my childhood......i can look back over my life and see the illness progressing and the impact it has had and wish more than anything i had had the knowledge then that i have now, i dont know if i would have used it....i think i would have....i do know that i am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.....i am sick of the abuse i suffered as a child ruining my future.....i cannot change the past i can only accept it and apologise for it.....but in order to do that i first need to learn how to process all this and get it out.....i am fully aware that it is going to take months of counselling and no real promise of it making much difference to who i am or how i function within society, but i am a survivor and i will keep fighting for my right to be happy, and i have no idea what true happiness is or if i have ever felt it.....

i have said in the past.....my ptsd is my ptsd....it is unique to me....i cannot advise other ptsd sufferers because of this.....but i think i connected to your post because of the date and similarity, but your suffering is unique to you because your life before and after was different to mine....

christmas was my favourite time of year and christmas 2008 was going to be one of the best for many reasons i wont go into......but it was one of the worst i can remember....i completely ruined it, hated it and like you i would become anxious as the 8th of december approached and i would pray for christmas day to come and go, i think for 3 yrs after i never even put a tree up, i think it was probably 3/4 yrs later that a lady i worked with and really admired and liked revealed her birthday was the 8th of december, which of course my first thought was "oh thats my attack day" but even though i have lost touch with her, i still see it has her birthday and think of her on that day, and that helped me, i rarely think of him now and when i do i have little reaction, i have like you...reactions to feelings, sounds, emotions and i just deal with them by self talk, or going out for a walk or just distracting my self.

I dont know if this rambling is of any help.........i was going to say it has took me 9 years to get to where i am today ( truth is it has took 45 ) and by that i mean...where i have contacted mental health and self referred and i feel like a woman on a mission, i feel like i need to start at the beginning and and tell my story...i need to unburden myself.....i am no longer going to keep secrets to protect others, be it their feelings, their embarressment or mine, i am going to clear the deck and start again with a clean slate.....i potentially have another 20 to 30 years of life left and i want to live it and live it with peace in my heart and a clear head.....i am going to forgive every damn person who caused me pain and hope i can recieve the same from those i have hurt and i know i hurt many.

so for you i suggest you firstly forgive yourself, accept your pain and learn to nurture it like it was your child, be kind to yourself...accept that the thoughts and feelings you have are out of your control.....learn to retrain your brain with positive thoughts...i used to tell myself...i can do this.....i taught my children to walk and talk, i raised two amazing kids.....i survived a life of misery and pain, teaching my brain to look for positives rather than negatives can be done.....and it can....its not easy and it takes time and practice, but it gets easier.

i hope this or some of this helps you....i am here if you want to vent.
 
English rose your words have helped more than any book, or therapist ive ever had.

How can i respect people who say "GET over it" when they havent walked a day in my shoes.

Your words " But i am a survivor and I will keep fighting for my right to be happy " made me cry but was so accurate to who i am.
i have huge respect for survivors, these are the people for me who have the answers.
Youve done something right to keep going....

I testified at The Old Bailey In London for three day and won my case. Only 7 percent of women do win.( heartbreaking)
I put the serial rapist away for 9 years, to stop him hurting other women. But i paid a heavy price.
His other convictions of burglary, GBH on a police officer , etc etc where only read out to the jury at the end.
The judge said to me " i have no doubt you will carry the scars of this for the rest of your life."
He was right.!
Scumbag was out in 7 years, i was back with an alarm around my neck connected to every police officer in the district.
He was put back in prison for being a danger to women shortly after
But hes now FREE and ive been serving a 21year sentence, alifetime. I have no choice i have to live with that.
Like you said you live with it. I was 25 when it happen, im now 46, with no husband, no children, no boyfriend, just a cat !
Thank god for the cat!

Also i only put up Xmas decorations outside the house, NONE in my flat.
Ive also notice i hoard clothes and fabric around my bed, nearer 8th dec. IT happened in 1996 )
Under the bed is stuffed so no attacker can get under their ! MADDNESS i know.
The end of the bed becomes a pile high of stuff so no attacker can come that way.
Its like ive built a wall of clothes/fabric where no one can walk through to protect myslef. ( how crazy is that)

What helps you?
Please tell me anything you find that works.
What do you do on 8th?
 
as i said the 8th is my freinds birthday, i have a normal day, i acknowledge the date for being an anniversary and i may feel somewhat sad for what i have lost, but i concentrate on what i have in the present, even if it is very little.
dont be ashamed of being crazy.....or for wanting to protect yourself......i can understand your obstacle course to and around the bed...to me makes perfect sense....to someone who has never known real fear it may seem odd or crazy....but thats ok...make sure you tell them how glad you are they have no idea of how it feels.
you make a point of saying no man in your life or children....ever or just now ????
as for a cat ....lol long way to go b4 you become the crazy cat lady....but again if that is what brings you comfort and peace so be it....i am more a dog person and i lost him last year but up until then he was my protector..alarm...warning...safety...
i thing for me if the anniversary was so intense and distressing i would try organise something special for that day, something unique to what you dormally do in your everyday life.....something that as the day drew nearer you would look forward to with excitement.

i am in the process of trying meditation.....i can see the attraction and have no doubt it works....but i am still a beginner and find concentrating difficult so its still a work in process.....plenty free guided meditations on the net just google....i find i can waste a whole day night just googling and sampling various ones and maybe that in itself is a distraction from my thoughts.
i also find playing scrabble or similar online helps as a distraction or any game that stretches my mind in order to distract my thoughts.
when i gave up smoking i self taught myself knitting and crochet, i made some small stuff for the grandkids but by far no expert, but again frustrating and time consuming, but another good distraction.
to be honest i am always trying something new, gym, walking yoga, it works for a while and i dont know if i get bored or i just start living or what, so i flit back in and out of stuff....but again its that keep moving...keep trying...until i find my thing
 
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Is this a postive for trauma survivors? That we can use dissocation in a postive way?
I think it can be. If you do it mindfully. Like - okay, I am going to dissociate now and pull myself out when I am ready. I think that takes a whole heck of a lot of practice. NLP has a thing called double dissociation. That has helped me a ton. You will find it on youtube.

I don't feel pain either. I can do a root canal np. You can pull my teeth, break a bone, stick hot pins in me and not a budge. But, if the dentist actually came into my left hand side peripheral view, I would pass out. He did what any good dentist would do. He built a room for me with a chair that he could work on me from the right side! From that point onwards, I haven't had a problem with him working on my left side. I think that is because I learned from his actions that his intentions were based on kindness and compassion.
Im like can i replace this traumaic memory that keeps repeating into a new memory/overlay of a dental nurse being kind and touching my
shoulder to reassure me that im doing well during a root canal.!
Yes. With work, while you are well, I believe you can. Don't work on it while you are in the chair. I break triggers like this by using imagery and attaching new emotions (based on love) into the image in my head.

Not sure if that makes sense to anyone but myself.
 
English Rose it also my friends birthday on the 8th DEc. Our similarities are unreal.!
Ive already given Sybil her present as she knows it my trauma date.
She has MS and has had a hell of a hard life but is still going.
I have so much admiration for people who have some how found the strength to keep going.

However, im DYSLEXSIC so spelling is difficult for me and Scrabble would be hysterical and impossible with my spelling!
So please bear with my spelling.
Im very creative, i have a four year Fashion Degree in fashion studies from the London College of Fashion.
I sew, i create i make and my garden is my Sanctuary outside where i feel safe.
Thats my meditation, when im in my garden, i dont think anymore im just in the moment and have peace and calm.

When i try too sleep in bed, my body jolts awake.
I still wake up screaming. I try to go back to sleep and again it happens, trying to ground myslef .
But i then get scared to sleep.
I have no idea how to over come this.?
My body remembers.
If your asleep your vulnerable.
So sorrry to hear about your dog English Rose.
Animals are great protectors they hear the thngs you dont and alert you, a great reassurance.

As for guys i have had 3 special men asked me to marry them at different times in my life. I said No to all. I didn't want to make a mistake.
I would love a boyfriend in my life but how do you date when your bonkers! LOL
At what point do you say I have CPTSD ??

SHIMMERZ thank you..
It all makes sense, its all a tool i can use to help myslef with the triggers that cause flashbacks. Any knowledge is always welcome..
 
Is somebody their?
Im really stuggling with depression as trauma date gets closer.
I feel my future looks bleak, ive got some horrible things I have to face.
On top of all of this i just got a bill of nearlly 2 thosand pound as my teeth are falling out.

Just scene the ginger guy who got into my house about 3 years ago.
He retiggeed my initial trauma.
But this time i was awake! and ready to fight! Im a fighter at heart.
So when this stranger was half way up my stairs in my house, i sprayed him in the eyes with fly spray! and told him get out!
He said he would come back and kill me.
Police and all the rest of it and im like why bother ive been through worse...

Now im facing an appeal ,going back into therapy where they make you listen too the trauma over and over.
Thats ment to cure you? It just made me worse. A three hour event takes 30 mintues to listen too and it just made me ga ga. ( nuts)

How do i keep fighting on, when their is no one there?

How to keep going when it gets overwhelming.?

CPtsd is like hell on earth sometimes
 
< moderator moved post from another thread to begin new thread >

May I ask a question? withou...
I wish I could get past this. I woke up to a man with his hand over my mouth. I was able to jerk away and he ran, but I still can't get over it. 2 years prior I woke up to a relative with their hands on my breasts. I was a teenager when these things happened. I also had a guy from school try to push his way in, but my guy friend was over and stopped him. I have to sleep with a tv on or with medication. If my husband isn't home when it's dark I don't sleep at all. This is the first in many years I haven't had dogs. I had 4 at once (out of love too) out of fear. 2 big and 2 little loud ones. I fell asleep finally at 5 this morning and up at 7. I wish I could get past it.
 
I have had ptsd for 20 years now from a robbery, I woke up to two men in the room and one with a gun pointed to my head. Ever since then I have had issues where I can not sleep if it's night and no one is home, sometimes even if they are I can't. I am constantly being woke up by even the slightest sound, constantly checking the doors. I can't even be around hand guns, I'm amazed I can own knives since the other had one, but I remember the gun more. I have extreme memory issues but traumatic events I get flash backs of, like with this I will start a panic attack if its raining at night and I hear noises since it was that night. I honestly do not think it ever leaves u, all we can do is try to cope in our own way and try to block the memories, even tho yes it can be very hard. I am so sorry this happened to you.
 
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