Sexual Assault Struggling to describe an aspect of this.

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
Sexual Assault - Unsure how to define this - 2 years of um coerced sex
For background.

So yeah, that first post on that thread explains the thing that happened. But I'm still struggling with one aspect (more, but specifically this part which why I didn't just reopen that thread).

It's still kinda considered a social thing, like handover was "she knew she was gonna be raped but *socialising*", and it's more of a "I knew I was gonna be raped but I could party first, or be at a supermarket first, or just go a walk first, either way, leaving my flat meant rape." So rightly or wrongly, my brain was like "someones gonna f*ck you anyway, make it f*cking worth it". And I feel like it negates the months of having to stay inside cos I'd be grabbed walking, or shopping or whatever normal people do.

And I think this makes me a bit of a bitch to be people with agoraphobia, cos I don't say it but I can't stop thinking that people "wrongly" thinking theyll be attacked every time they go outside contribute to Ts idea that I don't *literally* mean I'd be doing normal shit, so hypervigilance annoys me, cos it's like I'm dismissed cos they imagine I was just hypervigilant and paranoid, when like yeah my worst times were at parties, but they're worst cos of lack of backup, or witnesses. So I'll be like "Aw yeh so like if I went outside to grab some bread n saw one they'd probs at least grab me and drag me somewhere down n shove their hand down my pants but like wtf was I meant to do? Stay inside 24/7?"

I am a bit annoyed at the vague handover, cos like it reads like I considered rape "worth it" for a wee party (phrased more sensitively, but the idea just still doesn't sit right and yeah I'll say to her), and technically yeah, but also.. If your chances of rape at a supermarket and party are basically equal, f*ck it. Go to the party.

And please don't reply telling me about how hypervigilance is understandable in all scenarios, I know this. I'm specifically talking about how it's assumed I was hypervigilant and paranoid when it was my reality.
 

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just to let you know that being trafficked does not require a commercial sex act (you can be trafficked for other reasons then sex) and then beyond that commercial sex act does not require physical money.

it's action -> means -> purpose (what is done, how it is done, why it is done). and in edition, a commercial sex act is not defined when only money is changing hands. it occurs when any thing of value is given or received by any person (such as shelter, food, jewelry, gifts).

this means it is possible for a child to be groomed online and "moved" to a new state or what have you, and live in someone's house-and that is still sex trafficking. i can provide you with some resources on this specifically if you'd like, but i understand that isn't the scope of this thread.

with regards to the scope of this thread it sounds like your reality was invaledated by the people you were talking to? or that you felt that is what was happening or that you are defining hypervigilence as something that is disordered and not something that can be a very normal and rational response to the situetion.

if this was something that was continuously happening to you, then you were not being irrationally hypervigilent (you have ptsd, it's tuesday in 2021, you're safe-but you're still looking for threats). you were being rationally hypervigilent (i'm in my trauma and if i do/say certain things, xyz action will occur.)

but in terms of being paranoid-that's a denial of your reality. you were not being paranoid, because paranoia is by definition irrational.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
I'll reply properly later but:
with regards to the scope of this thread it sounds like your reality was invaledated by the people you were talking to?
It's re Ts and I dunno. Like it's from new T reading summary of specifics. Like "violently raped at party. Knew she would be raped but went due to social aspect"

I will clear it up with her. But it's annoying because I dunno how to clear that aspect up. Cos that's technically true. Yet feels not entirely true. Like aspects missing.

And when I say "I was scared to go out cos if I did I'd be raped". I mean that in the real sense, not the paranoid sense or hypervigilant sense. Just facts. N that makes me irritable with people who state the same sentiment but don't mean it the way I do because it adds to how much I need to explain myself.

My own shit obv, otherwise years on I'd be f*cking on it n not still like wtf went on n what.
 
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Like it's from new T reading summary of specifics. Like "violently raped at party. Knew she would be raped but went due to social aspect"
my suspicion is that she is probably meaning this in an objective way, based on the things that you are saying to her. that is "you had the knowledge that you would be raped -> you got raped."

which it is very hard to frame those things in an objective way that doesn't sound exactly what you just said it sounds like. but i do feel like the way in which she phrased this is definitely tactless.

i can under stand why you feel the need to make this clear, especially when it is phrased in that way. because i can see where you would draw a conclusion that either: she thinks you were being paranoid ("she knew" she'd get raped, but probably not) or she is blaming you (she knew she'd be raped, and she went anyway).

so first to give her the chance to identify what she actually means, if she was simply trying to be objective, if she actually does understand you, or if there is some denial of your reality going on there-or if she defines hypervigilence differenetly to how you define it.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
my suspicion is that she is probably meaning this in an objective way, based on the things that you are saying to her. that is "you had the knowledge that you would be raped -> you got raped."
Never discussed any of this situation with her. Purely what was handed over to her from last T that she read out.

But yeah I wanna have some sort of clear way to explain it. Cos I haven't managed yet clearly. It's nothing on her. Just something I need to clear up with her cos yah.

N thanks @grief n sorry I will reply properly later. Just clearing up confusions just now cos brainspace is lacking
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
just to let you know that being trafficked does not require a commercial sex act (you can be trafficked for other reasons then sex) and then beyond that commercial sex act does not require physical money
This isn't eh the discussion I set out to have heh, cos trafficking just isn't how I see it. I can't find a dynamic that fits *better*, but trafficking, in my head, is worse than my actual experiences, objectively. I always back and forth on using it as a comparison point, but I basically always decide on no, n I'll be like "kinda like rochdale, but I was an adult", but yeah, overall, calling my experiences trafficking doesn't reflect real trafficking so I get people call it that, but um.

So I dunno, maybe my own minimisation is what is causing the problem? (Is it minimising though?) Cos I guess I can see how "it just always happened when I went out, regardless of where I went" sounds kinda defeated/black and white. But I don't mean it that way, I mean it literally. And I don't tend to discuss the background because I can't explain it, and even if I could, probably not in a way I'd be comfy with and people would understand.

But yeah, I wanna clear that up with her, just specifically the comment I said, but I have no alternative description really. I just know that doesn't fit. And I did go out anyway, so it's not like real scared to go out. but me going out anyway just complicates it more, cos if it was that bad then people get raped once n stay housebound so why was I knowingly wandering out to parties? Not that I even am currently blaming myself, just I feel myself getting annoyed at other people being anxious about going out for reasons I said, and all I can think is like "omfg youll be fine. you're what is causing my specific problem".

I know I'm being unfair so I've stayed quiet.
 

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calling my experiences trafficking doesn't reflect real trafficking so I get people call it that, but um. So I dunno, maybe my own minimisation is what is causing the problem?
yes, i would say your minemization would be a factor. legally, what you experenced was trafficking. trafficking is a legal term, not a moral one.

"omfg youll be fine. you're what is causing my specific problem". I know I'm being unfair so I've stayed quiet.
it may be unfair but your emotions themselves are very valid. i've encountered some of this myself. the commonly understood definitions of things (in particuler things like consensuality, incest, perpetrator trauma, la la la.)

it makes it hard for me to talk about my experiences because the way other people talk about their own experiences is so distinct to my own. but that doesn't make their experiences invalid, that's correct. it just makes yours distinct.
 

Freida

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Risk vs reward vs denial?

In my military days.....
Every time I went to a party I knew rape was a strong possibility.
Every time I opened my dorm room door to someone I knew rape was a strong possibility
Every time I walked alone I knew rape was a strong possibility
Rape was a fact of life

So did I stop going to parties, opening my door, walking outside?
Nope
I accepted the idea of being raped as the price of admission to the life I was in.

My situation and yours were different because in my world it was a possibility and in your world it was fact
But in that mindset I think you have to choose to keep living - even if it's going to end badly
Because you had no escape.
You could sit in a room and wait to be raped or you could go out and have a life and come back to be raped
Either way rape was the outcome

Which is what is so terrifying
And maybe why it's so hard for her to understand
 
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