NovemberStar
MyPTSD Pro
Title says it all. I have been reading about transference, I know it is a very normal part of therapy. That T's don't wonder 'if' the client will have those feelings, but more of a matter of 'when' and if the client will ever be ready to talk about it / explore it.
I KNOW the feelings I am having towards her are misplaced - they belong to my abusive (dead) mother. But logic doesn't take away the intensely painful feelings. I've been reading online an excellent blog that has the BEST descriptions and understandings of 'transference' and how, what and why it is that way ('tales of a boundary ninja'). I find it both painfully awful, but reassuring also.
I am yet to talk to my T about it. I am terrified she will reject me; that she will avoid talking about it, if / when I am brave enough to tell her about it. My last T, I started experiencing HATE for her (knowing it was really about my mother). I had emailed my old T at the time, how much I feared what would come next (i.e., the anger and hatred will turn to love and 'longing'). My old T either never picked up on it, or chose to ignore it because it was too uncomfortable for her to acknowledge. THAT was incredibly painful.
If my current T was to do the same, I think I don't' know if I could survive it, I would be that devastated. So it incredibly scary (!!!!!) even thinning about telling her, let alone actually having the conversation :(.
Current feelings I am having towards my T that I know are linked to my past:
1) That the 'therapeutic relationship' is so similar to the relationship I had with my mother - there is a potentially kind, caring, nurturing person at the other end, but they will never reciprocate my feelings. I might ache and yearn for my T to 'care' and 'love' me, or even have a tenth of the depth of the feelings I have for her, back towards me. But it won't happen. Ouch.
If my mother had been 100% nasty, abusive and NEVER showed me any love or affection, I sometimes think it would have been easier to deal with at the time. But because she alternated between being unpredictably abusive, rejecting, cold and unloving, with loving, nurturing, kind; it left me with an ongoing HOPE she would stay loving and kind. She had the ability after all, to love and protect me - but just chose not too. WIth my T - she too, is a kind, caring person - but due to the boundaries of therapy, she won't ever cross that line. She won't be inviting me back to her house to curl up on her couch with a warm blanket and inviting me to 'feel safe' outside the therapy rooms. Damn it!!!
2) The 'care' I receive from my T (in that she turns up week after week, listening, and 'caring') is like receiving the bare crumbs of what I NEED. Growing up, I longed for, ached, and NEEDED love from my mother, but all I got was crumbs. My mother loved me and showed it only if she wanted to. With my T, I see her once a week, for one hour. That it is. As much as I'd want to live under her desk and never leave, to have her 'be there' for me all the time, she can't and won't be.
All the logic in the world as to why and how and who this is happening due to, isn't making it any less painful. When I think my T CAN be caring and kind, and nurturing, I feel so angry that she won't fulfill the role I ache for so damn bad. It is so frustrating and so painful :(.
I don't want to hate my T. I don't want to 'love' her. I don't want to ache for her to care about me in the way I never got as a child. I don't want to be stuck in this incredibly painful and intense feeling of 'wanting so badly what I never got growing up, but missed out on and can NEVER EVER get' :(.
And this is all before I have even raised the issue with her. f*ck this.
The part of me that is brave and wants to work through it wants to email her some bits of this, so she knows what is happening. A small part of me does trust her - so much - and there isn't anyone else I'd trust with feeling this way. In essence, deep down, I do think she can and will be able to help me with this; she won't reject me, but continue being the kind, caring, and boundary-conscious T she is.
When I think of emailing her, and her knowing what I'm beginning to struggle with, I feel so light-headed and dissociated. If I don't begin talk through some of this at our session Friday, I will be so angry at myself for a wasted opportunity. How do I know how much to push myself? Do I just 'send the email' and hope it won't be too overwhelming afterwards / when I see her Friday? Or do I wait and try to bring it up with her on Friday? In the past, I do find emailing easier - sometimes in session I freeze and can't talk. Last week I had emailed her and it was STILL almost impossible to talk about some things. I feel in order for her to best help me, I need to let her know what is happening' I need to let her do her job.
If I email her, I know come Friday she will say "Do you want to talk some of the content in your email?"
Yeah - I 'want' to talk about it as much as I'd 'want' to escape a burning building by running through the flames, catching fire, and being without oxygen for a period of time, in order to have the flames put out and live to tell about it!!!!!
:mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(
I KNOW the feelings I am having towards her are misplaced - they belong to my abusive (dead) mother. But logic doesn't take away the intensely painful feelings. I've been reading online an excellent blog that has the BEST descriptions and understandings of 'transference' and how, what and why it is that way ('tales of a boundary ninja'). I find it both painfully awful, but reassuring also.
I am yet to talk to my T about it. I am terrified she will reject me; that she will avoid talking about it, if / when I am brave enough to tell her about it. My last T, I started experiencing HATE for her (knowing it was really about my mother). I had emailed my old T at the time, how much I feared what would come next (i.e., the anger and hatred will turn to love and 'longing'). My old T either never picked up on it, or chose to ignore it because it was too uncomfortable for her to acknowledge. THAT was incredibly painful.
If my current T was to do the same, I think I don't' know if I could survive it, I would be that devastated. So it incredibly scary (!!!!!) even thinning about telling her, let alone actually having the conversation :(.
Current feelings I am having towards my T that I know are linked to my past:
1) That the 'therapeutic relationship' is so similar to the relationship I had with my mother - there is a potentially kind, caring, nurturing person at the other end, but they will never reciprocate my feelings. I might ache and yearn for my T to 'care' and 'love' me, or even have a tenth of the depth of the feelings I have for her, back towards me. But it won't happen. Ouch.
If my mother had been 100% nasty, abusive and NEVER showed me any love or affection, I sometimes think it would have been easier to deal with at the time. But because she alternated between being unpredictably abusive, rejecting, cold and unloving, with loving, nurturing, kind; it left me with an ongoing HOPE she would stay loving and kind. She had the ability after all, to love and protect me - but just chose not too. WIth my T - she too, is a kind, caring person - but due to the boundaries of therapy, she won't ever cross that line. She won't be inviting me back to her house to curl up on her couch with a warm blanket and inviting me to 'feel safe' outside the therapy rooms. Damn it!!!
2) The 'care' I receive from my T (in that she turns up week after week, listening, and 'caring') is like receiving the bare crumbs of what I NEED. Growing up, I longed for, ached, and NEEDED love from my mother, but all I got was crumbs. My mother loved me and showed it only if she wanted to. With my T, I see her once a week, for one hour. That it is. As much as I'd want to live under her desk and never leave, to have her 'be there' for me all the time, she can't and won't be.
All the logic in the world as to why and how and who this is happening due to, isn't making it any less painful. When I think my T CAN be caring and kind, and nurturing, I feel so angry that she won't fulfill the role I ache for so damn bad. It is so frustrating and so painful :(.
I don't want to hate my T. I don't want to 'love' her. I don't want to ache for her to care about me in the way I never got as a child. I don't want to be stuck in this incredibly painful and intense feeling of 'wanting so badly what I never got growing up, but missed out on and can NEVER EVER get' :(.
And this is all before I have even raised the issue with her. f*ck this.
The part of me that is brave and wants to work through it wants to email her some bits of this, so she knows what is happening. A small part of me does trust her - so much - and there isn't anyone else I'd trust with feeling this way. In essence, deep down, I do think she can and will be able to help me with this; she won't reject me, but continue being the kind, caring, and boundary-conscious T she is.
When I think of emailing her, and her knowing what I'm beginning to struggle with, I feel so light-headed and dissociated. If I don't begin talk through some of this at our session Friday, I will be so angry at myself for a wasted opportunity. How do I know how much to push myself? Do I just 'send the email' and hope it won't be too overwhelming afterwards / when I see her Friday? Or do I wait and try to bring it up with her on Friday? In the past, I do find emailing easier - sometimes in session I freeze and can't talk. Last week I had emailed her and it was STILL almost impossible to talk about some things. I feel in order for her to best help me, I need to let her know what is happening' I need to let her do her job.
If I email her, I know come Friday she will say "Do you want to talk some of the content in your email?"
Yeah - I 'want' to talk about it as much as I'd 'want' to escape a burning building by running through the flames, catching fire, and being without oxygen for a period of time, in order to have the flames put out and live to tell about it!!!!!
:mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(:cry::mad::(