Struggling With Christmas

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I still can 't put into words what is going with me right now...

Alexithimia according to the Body keeps score.

The glooming hollow veil that hangs over this time of year makes me feel dismally alone. Even amongst people.

I cried today when I listened to Eminem's cleaning out my closet song. Never realised that my mother created Munchausen 's by proxy with me. I am very often thinking I am sick when there is no disease to be found in my bloodwork.

Hopefully I can create new, safe memories starting this Christmas.

Everytime I call with family I feel hollow and alone...

I will and I shall get stronger
I’m struggling as well. I broke up with my ex a few months ago. He was bad for me and didn’t actually care, but still… My cat died 2 weeks ago. It was pretty sudden. My mom told me to not get anything for her for Christmas, and I know she’s not getting anything for me (she hasn’t been anywhere the last few months without me to buy anything nor has she bought anything online, I know as I have to place all her online orders for her). It hurts because she dropped a lot of money on my sister, brother in law and 2 kids. This especially hurts as my sister has done nothing for my mom (in this illness, or her last prolonged illness), but I’m the one who takes her everywhere and does things like cook her food, etc. It was like this for our birthdays where my mom got nothing for me but a few months later had me go online to buy presents for my sisters birthday. When I got upset she turned around and blamed me for everything and threw a check at me. Gee, thanks mom, you only remembered my birthday gift when I pointed out how you love my sister and treat me like I’m nothing. So, this year I won’t be getting any Christmas gifts. Now I know why the suicide rate spikes this time of year.
I hear you. Christmas can be such an isolating time of year. We're sold the perfect Christmas fantasy through movies and the media, but the reality is having to spend extra time facing your families dysfunction.

Sending you lots of warm thoughts, I hope that we can all form connections with ourselves and other people who can show up for all parts of us, so we can heal and rewrite what these holidays mean for us.
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