Sexual Assault Struggling with my abusor

Just kinda need some help or guidance on something I’m feeling. So when I was 14, my boyfriends father sexually assaulted me many times. Under wraps for awhile. I never said anything for about a year. I have quite consuming ptsd. i use self harm as in hitting and cutting and smoking as my kind of outlet. I’ve been seeking out photos of my abusor and looking at them, listening to the music he played for me over and over and going out my way to bump into him, thinking it would resolve my issues. Make me feel better about it. But it’s not, I haven’t seen him since last October properly. I did see him from very far off across a car park but I saw the back of him. That was enough to really upset me, but I put myself in the foreign range. I am still dating his son, for reference and we’ve been dating years. We have no issues and it’s working me just not seeing his parents. His parents are in a mess, don’t sleep together, don’t talk to bother. She said at one point that she wanted a divorce but has since gone back on herself and says I’m a liar, (I do have a bit of proof) but she’s coming up with loads of just rubbish excuses. But the issue is my own processing of the situation. I’m really struggling with it. Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
It's probably best to see a therapist to help you through this. I would have your boyfriend ask his father if he would rather go to jail or pay for your therapy. OK, maybe not, but I do think a therapist is in order. One who specializes in trauma if you can. Other than that, the police would help.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Mixed emotions are extremely confusing - do I love my abuser, do I hate my abuser, why am I obsessed with my abuser??? And for me? That confusion of opposite emotions was really distressing for a long time.

But, conflicting emotions make perfect sense when you consider a child, and an adult who has been physically intimate with them. Yes, it's abuse - it leaves profound damage that we need to heal. But the intimacy provokes all those typical feelings that a child has when someone provides intimacy. Children survive because their brains interpret that as "care".

I'm sorry this happened to you. There is no reason for you to heal this alone. Reach out to a trauma therapist in your area, and if time or finances mean that support will take some time to swing into gear, consider a sexual assault support centre in your area. They're experts at providing kindness and compassion, which is what you need and deserve.

Don't beat yourself up for SHing. There are better ways to deal with distress. And you can learn those in time. But so many of us use SH as a means to cope with distress - it's very normal, given what you've been through.

Whenever you can, try and be gentle and compassionate with yourself, instead of violent with yourself. Because you deserve gentleness and compassion. If you feel unsafe, you can also reach out to your partner for support (just being present to carry us through the peak of distress can be really helpful, even if you don't tell them "because I'm considering SHing), or head over to the Emergency at your local hospital.
 
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