Sexual Assault Struggling with my abusor

Just kinda need some help or guidance on something I’m feeling. So when I was 14, my boyfriends father sexually assaulted me many times. Under wraps for awhile. I never said anything for about a year. I have quite consuming ptsd. i use self harm as in hitting and cutting and smoking as my kind of outlet. I’ve been seeking out photos of my abusor and looking at them, listening to the music he played for me over and over and going out my way to bump into him, thinking it would resolve my issues. Make me feel better about it. But it’s not, I haven’t seen him since last October properly. I did see him from very far off across a car park but I saw the back of him. That was enough to really upset me, but I put myself in the foreign range. I am still dating his son, for reference and we’ve been dating years. We have no issues and it’s working me just not seeing his parents. His parents are in a mess, don’t sleep together, don’t talk to bother. She said at one point that she wanted a divorce but has since gone back on herself and says I’m a liar, (I do have a bit of proof) but she’s coming up with loads of just rubbish excuses. But the issue is my own processing of the situation. I’m really struggling with it. Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
It's probably best to see a therapist to help you through this. I would have your boyfriend ask his father if he would rather go to jail or pay for your therapy. OK, maybe not, but I do think a therapist is in order. One who specializes in trauma if you can. Other than that, the police would help.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Mixed emotions are extremely confusing - do I love my abuser, do I hate my abuser, why am I obsessed with my abuser??? And for me? That confusion of opposite emotions was really distressing for a long time.

But, conflicting emotions make perfect sense when you consider a child, and an adult who has been physically intimate with them. Yes, it's abuse - it leaves profound damage that we need to heal. But the intimacy provokes all those typical feelings that a child has when someone provides intimacy. Children survive because their brains interpret that as "care".

I'm sorry this happened to you. There is no reason for you to heal this alone. Reach out to a trauma therapist in your area, and if time or finances mean that support will take some time to swing into gear, consider a sexual assault support centre in your area. They're experts at providing kindness and compassion, which is what you need and deserve.

Don't beat yourself up for SHing. There are better ways to deal with distress. And you can learn those in time. But so many of us use SH as a means to cope with distress - it's very normal, given what you've been through.

Whenever you can, try and be gentle and compassionate with yourself, instead of violent with yourself. Because you deserve gentleness and compassion. If you feel unsafe, you can also reach out to your partner for support (just being present to carry us through the peak of distress can be really helpful, even if you don't tell them "because I'm considering SHing), or head over to the Emergency at your local hospital.
 

Dolce

Learning
I can understand in some way wanting closure I guess it is w your abuser. The reliving it part with the music maybe your way of trying to process it. I am also wondering without wanting to offend you whether dating the son is also a way of wanting to process this and be a part of that family. I am glad if your b/f is a support but maybe also having some distance from the situation is good as well. You sound young with possibly your whole life ahead of you and many options. It's hard to see them when depressed or in the midst of trauma or Ptsd. I struggled with self harm as a young adult and I suppose as an adult in the form of drinking.

I feel that maybe seeking out someone who abused you is a form of self abuse. I know maybe you are seeking something good out of this something elusive that you might and probably can not get from that sick individual b/c truly sick individuals rarely can admit their sickness. I would try to find your own songs a fresh outlook and identity as much as possible. Sexual abuse leaves it's mark on us who have suffered it and it can inform alot of well I don't want to say who we are but informs our pain and our trauma.

We all have our own ways of working through them. Self harm is not a good way. Please don't cut or harm yourself. You sound young. You didn't deserve this and it's ok and often is the case that people come out with telling about their abuse later sometimes much later.

Sometimes they are blamed for that. There is no one way to process trauma. Sometimes and often the blame is put on the victim for how they handle it. I don't mean to do that b/c I can relate. I just wonder if there are ways to distance yourself from dangerous bad dysfunctional people. You are not that. You have PTSD.

Its in response to trauma which doesn't mean there's anything inherently wrong with you but that the trauma perhaps well it does change lives and psyches.
I hope you find the healing you deserve. I hope you stop self harming because you are too precious to do that. That sick individual who likely is too sick to apologize is not worth it. I also tell myself this. It's hard to live but I hope this for you.

**Im sorry I read it wrong you dated the son then this happened. Well I still in ways can relate to this in an odd way...You are in the middle of a dysf family.

You want closure. I can relate. It seems you would like the mother to admit what happened. To this I can also relate...tho it was my own Mother.

I am going to be blunt. They sound sick and I do worry you are in danger being that close to that situation. I say it because I care. You want what is right to happen in that family I think....and it may not happen. It sounds very dysfunctionl and it's not a reflection on you.

Your b/f didn't ask for that family and I feel bad for him...and you. Wow. I would do what I could do to maintain distance at least from the parents. They're sick.

Their relationship is unhealthy and the dynamic of it that you described makes me think you could be at further risk. Pls distance yourself from your abusers. You will get healings with therapy (hopefully) and or people that care about you as a human being. You are young with a life ahead of you and can overcome this and have a good life. And you deserve it.
 
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juliana

Learning
Just kinda need some help or guidance on something I’m feeling. So when I was 14, my boyfriends father sexually assaulted me many times. Under wraps for awhile. I never said anything for about a year. I have quite consuming ptsd. i use self harm as in hitting and cutting and smoking as my kind of outlet. I’ve been seeking out photos of my abusor and looking at them, listening to the music he played for me over and over and going out my way to bump into him, thinking it would resolve my issues. Make me feel better about it. But it’s not, I haven’t seen him since last October properly. I did see him from very far off across a car park but I saw the back of him. That was enough to really upset me, but I put myself in the foreign range. I am still dating his son, for reference and we’ve been dating years. We have no issues and it’s working me just not seeing his parents. His parents are in a mess, don’t sleep together, don’t talk to bother. She said at one point that she wanted a divorce but has since gone back on herself and says I’m a liar, (I do have a bit of proof) but she’s coming up with loads of just rubbish excuses. But the issue is my own processing of the situation. I’m really struggling with it. Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
I agree with the comment about go to therapy for this. Also, I would delete all the pictures you have access to of the person that sexually assaulted you, delete block do what you got to do to prevent you self from ever seeing or contacting that person. Your probably doing that because your are really scared about it happening again. I got sexually assaulted when I was at teenager and the abuse person stayed in my life for years afterward. I didn't start to heal or get any resolve until I stopped all communication with him. Blocked him on everything and never talked to or saw him again afterward. Went to therapy for a while. I also for a while stopped talking to other people that were connected to him in my life until I was ready to and they were also not talking to him. I then reconnected with the people from that time and found out they also were impacted by the abuse and I have a lasting friendship with one of the people. A complicated one sure but a friendship. I am really sorry to hear you were not believed. Its very important to believe any survivor of sexual assault it almost never a lie only like 1% of people lie or something close to that I am pretty sure. Reslove for me from being sexually assaulted came from understanding that what happened wasn't my fault and forgiving myself. Some survivors are in a different place than that.
 

Dolce

Learning
I agree that abused ppl who say they were abused sexually..that's an esp hard one to come out with sometimes takes years are almost never lying. Once in a blue moon but there is shame around this and just most ppl don't lie about this.
 
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