• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Struggling With My "realizations".....

Status
Not open for further replies.

Whirlwind

MyPTSD Pro
Hi all,

I am really struggling with "realizations" of my life....like last night, I woke up in a start after a nightmare and clear as day a memory was just THERE. This morning the dream is foggy but the memory loud and clear.

It has been a lot of this lately, maybe due to therapy or because I had to get into old school paperwork for an application recently, so many memories and realizations came back....none are good and mostly I feel very sad for what I went through.

I feel like my internal reality is just this smoking charred city, I'm walking around by myself and seeing the destruction, bombs went off long ago...I guess the feeling that accompanies this is like....it is just too late.

My T tells me I need to move through this "place" and see that there is something on the other side. I like him but we get to this place in therapy every year, dreams/memories/FB start up strong and I eventually can't take it and quit therapy for awhile until it goes away. I feel like I start sliding back to this place and he just lets me....no life line and it just gets overwhelming.

So here I am - the momentum is picking up again and I am quitting therapy as usual. I'll miss him but this time I am taking a PTSD class which I really like, its a little "out there" for me but it feels better, more hopeful. I am learning tools to help manage and I am considering this person could be a good fit as my future therapist.

I am trying to stay positive, do good stuff for myself and spend too much time in that internal city of mine, I really feel like I get lost in there and I am clueless how to move through without a line of breadcrumbs to follow. I really worry like now because some of my old compulsive behaviors are also pounding pretty hard on the door, so I need to slow things down pronto.

Thanks for listening to my ramble, tough night last night, just need to talk I guess, Whirlwind
 
How about if you try something different this time and DON'T quit therapy? Just a thought. You've already explored what happens when you quit. The best way to get a different result is to try something different.
 
Um, how do you honestly know that your T just "lets you slide?"

For me atleast, I've always seen my treatment as putting the onus on myself to get better. I.e., I am in control of my sliding, I never expect anyone to save me but myself, in contacting them when I feel bad, not expecting them to swoop in and save me.

Quitting doesn't help you, so why do you keep doing it? Are you expecting them to save you? Because if so, that is an unrealistic expectation of the relationship. You need to show up and realize you are worth fighting for, it is not their job to save you without you doing the work.
 
It has been a lot of this lately, maybe due to therapy or because I had to get into old school paperwork for an application recently, so many memories and realizations came back....none are good and mostly I feel very sad for what I went through.
It's to be expected that a lot of things would be stirred up. It actually sounds really healthy that you are feeling sad for what you went through...especially if you can ask that sadness to transform into compassion.

My T tells me I need to move through this "place" and see that there is something on the other side.
That's easy to say but hard to do yourself, and hard to help someone do. I have a part that has been stuck in a really horrific moment from the long past (keeps giving me flashbacks and really intrusive memories of the same thing over and over again...and it is so easy for me to slide into it and see my life from that perspective instead of a larger one with all the good and decent things and people in my life too). I've been trying with my therapist's help for months to move out of that stuck place--not to put it behind me or deny it or change it, but to accept it as just one part of the larger whole of my life so I can integrate it into who I am. I am more than my trauma and so are you.

I am taking a PTSD class which I really like, its a little "out there" for me but it feels better, more hopeful.
This is so good. Sometimes "out there" can be transformational. And you are doing something good for yourself. Instead of quitting therapy, can you talk about your desire to with your therapist? My understanding is that many times when we hit tough places in therapy, we have to try to work through them with the other person, just like in any relationship. It is very hard because with PTSD I think for many of us the "default setting" is to want to run away. This probably made sense at some time in our pasts, but often is exactly what we shouldn't do in the present (not always, but often). If quitting is something you've done before on a predictable basis, could it be that old and hurt parts of you are scared and wanting to run?

spend too much time in that internal city of mine, I really feel like I get lost in there and I am clueless how to move through without a line of breadcrumbs to follow.
You're not the only person who feels this way...I call this tendency of mine the "vortex" or the "black hole." It can be really dark and is when we most want to run away and hide at the very time we most need to reach out for and accept support--for me at least, that's where my therapist comes in.

I wish for you that you will find some breadcrumbs to lead you to a larger awareness of the good and strong person you are.
 
The best way to get a different result is to try something different.

I think so to, so that's why I am trying this new PTSD class.


Um, how do you honestly know that your T just "lets you slide?"

Because he has told me he is "out of ideas" re my nightmares, flashbacks. We have discussed this several times recently. I read on my own, try to educate myself and yet taking this class recently I just learned 'grounding' ideas for the first time. I have an ed which he acknowledges and has not asked me in 2 yrs how I have been doing on that. I gave him and update the other day and he seems to have forgotten. I like him but I think I need to find a new therapist, I think I go back to him mostly because I have a difficult time telling personal issues.

Sometimes "out there" can be transformational. And you are doing something good for yourself. Instead of quitting therapy, can you talk about your desire to with your therapist?

Thanks, I already did that last 3 sessions. I keep talking and he is a very empathetic listener but he offers little, he says the body knows sort of stuff, I will figure it out. the out there stuff has felt very hopeful. Some of the ideas are silly in a way but its something. My husband has a little saying each night lately to tell the bad dreams to go away. its is silly to but...it helps on some level. I jsut want a plan or something to try other than my T who is a very nice man but he keeps telling me he has a plan and yet I have no idea what the plan is despite my asking.

frankly, i pay out of pocket and it is expensive. It feels good to talk but I don't feel Ive made progress in 2 yrs. maybe my fault but I really am trying and I'm game for new things thus this class. I even went to a buddhist thing to learn meditation and read levines book. these were al my ideas just an example.
 
Last edited:
@Whirlwind it is so great that you are exploring your own avenues to healing...and the Levine stuff and many Buddhist practices are truly helpful both for understanding PTSD (the former) and healing.

Some of the "out there" stuff about healing trauma seemed silly to me a year ago...most of it did, actually, but I was desperate enough to work with most of the strategies anyway (both in therapy and on my own). It's what keeps me going now. Lots and lots of self talk and grounding and visualization, etc.

I'm glad you are able to hang onto your hope, and that you are seeking new paths to helping yourself. I hope you can connect with a good trauma therapist who does somatic work!
 
You've been seeing a T for how many years

4 yrs about 9 months therapy each year. I take breaks due to feeling overwhelmed and due to finances (no ins coverage). I posted recently about this and I do think the first 2 yrs were very helpful with my T but based on my other post I am concluding it is time to try something different/new T.

Recently I learned about the Pete Walker website and it really resonated with me, It may explains somethings like I feel I get trapped in something which may be explained by emotional flashbacks. the info seems valid but again my T hasn't heard of it and acknowledged emo fb's could be real. Frustrating as he is ambiguous and in my case I think this could be important for managing a particular problem.

I was desperate enough to work with most of the strategies anyway

Me too, LOL. I finally got "desperate" to go to this 8 week class and I am learning a ton and after my nasty memory the other night, I did really good using my new grounding...I haven't lapsed into 3 days of upset stomach and spaciness. I remember IT and I'm ok for now at least.

I know it isn't this simple but could grounding help this much?

I got up that night, meditated, breathing stuff, then (don't laugh!) burned sage and sat outside for a bit, kinda "shook it off" jumped up and down ..... sounds silly I know. But then I went back to bed, and actually slept! Then I sort of meditated on it again yesterday, journaled it an the implications and then did another technique. I haven't lost the memory and still ok (knock on wood!)

Honestly, I don't care if its a placebo, and luckily I like the smell of incense :)

Thanks for talking with me everyone, Cheers, Whirlwind
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top