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Relationship Struggling with supporting my boyfriend

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lookingforhelp

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and a half. He is a wonderful person, incredibly smart and caring. However, he is suffering a lot from CPTSD as a result of sustained sexual childhood trauma by a relative. As a result, he has a lot of sexual fantasies involving me cheating, or doing stuff with other guys. It ranges from asking me to post sexy pictures of me on Reddit, to sext with other guys, to humiliate him etc. He also has separate other sexual fantasies with girls. He also constantly tells me he doesn't trust me. It's a lot. Many times I feel trapped, like this will go on forever and it's making me sad. I love him but I really fill like this is all too much. It's making me feel very bad about myself, and like i cannot depend on him. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff in my personal life as well, and I don't want to feel taken care of, which I really don't lately. He wants to proposed, he continuosly asks me if I love him and will never leave me, but it's so scary to commit to a lifetime of all of this...

Last night we went into the Reddit fantasy at his request and I felt very bad. He was extremely turned on and touched himself 3 times related to that. Then he became extremely sad and told me to delete the account. I did and he immediately regretted that I deleted it. Now he's asking me to do it again.

He started doing EMDR and he's reading books about this, but any small action/ event sends him back into that. I want to start doing modelling and he's feeling extremely bad about it. It has become a situation in which I feel like I shouldn't do stuff that I want for him. He tells me I should do whatever I want, but the truth is that after I'm dealing with the consequences.

I really need a lot of stability in my life now and this is really not it. I don't know what to do... Does it get better? I love everything he is... besides this darkness that's eating him alive. I don't want to leave him, but I want him better.

Would appreciate any advice.
 
I think you have answered all of your own questions in your post. Why would you want to continue to subject yourself to such a toxic relationship? Love? He isn’t anywhere near ready for a relationship, and you need to decide what you truly want for yourself. It is good that he is trying EMDR, but the reality is that PTSD can be a minefield. He is not going to provide you with stability, certainly not at the moment,, maybe never, and at best PTSD manifests itself on a continuum, some good times, and some really bad times, and everything in between. Others here have been successful in their relationships, but many, many have not. There is nothing wrong with saying this is not for you. Every relationship teaches you something about yourself. And when the hurt settles, you grow. You are feeling bad about the things you are doing to please him. What about you? It is always okay to say no to things that make you unhappy, and especially things that affect how you feel about yourself. No one has the right to take away your self esteem whether by requests or otherwise. Walk away before you lose yourself entirely.
 
Every relationship teaches you something about yourself. And when the hurt settles, you grow.
This.
I really need a lot of stability in my life now and this is really not it.
And this.

I don't want to leave him, but I want him better.
He’s no going to be… WITHOUT…getting worse, first.

How he is right now? Is too much, too wrong. Imagine it getting worse. For years, since it’s CPTSD rather than PTSD. Because complex trauma takes longer.

You like/love this bloke. That’s fair. But it’s going to be like this, and waaaay worse than this, for a long time.

IMO? Be friends. We can be friends with people through the hardest shit imaginable, that we can never be partners with. Or love him, and walk away, if you don’t do the friends thing, or he doesn’t. Bright points in each other’s lives, but not forever.
 
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