Struggling

I am not feeling okay. It is three more days before I see my therapist again.

It's painful, the pain started in January 2022. Actually it has always been there.

It got triggered in January when someone I dearly loved made my worst fears come true. She lied to me.

I had asked her out a couple of times and she always said she is not ready but asked me to wait.

I have been constantly there for her and I stopped expecting a lot from her because she understood and started offering one thing which I needed the most: validation and emotional support.

Then from November 2021, I have been under a lot of financial duress and in Demeber she went on a solo trip.

A trip I really wanted to go to but she said she wanted to go solo and I understood. Due to the duress I was under, I started becoming more and more insecure and one day in January, 26th January 2022 I read messages on her IG account which I was not supposed to open. I read that she slept with someone. Someone who also was a part of our work group but never spoke to me and she also never told me about him.

I confronted her, we fought a lot. We would fight week on week. I went on a trip in March and in April once I felt better, we started talking again.

Important info: She said "let's date to me in first week of January."

I was in shock and pain for three months and then in April when we started talking. She told me she is dating him. She reached out to me when she was having a fight with him.

She says she is unsure about him. I could not understand and still don't, why is she dating him, if he is hurtful.

I still talk to her because she fought for me and asked me to stay. And we share this intense connect, we just understand each other.

And knowing that we cannot ever be together, hurts me a lot. Knowing that I was never that important in her life, is hurtful.

I guess I can continue talking to her but I need to give myself more importance. I don't know how to do that because I love helping others, it fulfills me. So when she comes to me and says she is having a hard time, I want to be there for her.

And she might not be there for me ever, I might not get to date her ever. So what will be the right choice?

I think going one day at a time helps. When I am not able to rest, it feels like a lot weight and turbulence, like my world falling apart.

But the world is not really falling apart, right? It's just me growing?
 
It's definitely not. The sun will continue to rise each morning and set every evening.

You're in a lot of pain right now, and it makes sense, because being cheated on hurts like a sunnuva. Try and be gentle with yourself. It will pass.

You deserve better.

Thank you @Sideways for these comforting words. I am trying to be more gentle with myself.

It is difficult, to be gentle.

Whatever happened triggers a lot of childhood trauma, feelings of abandonment and rejection.

I understand I deserve better but there has been no living proof of this better. Before this, in all my relationships I was straight out rejected. So cheating is painful and at the same time, something very new, it also reflects that how I was able to add value to their life and they added value to mine.

Whatever happened, happened.

As it has been almost four months, since I first got to know about cheating. I am ready to move on.

I am ready to build new memories, happy ones. I am very scared also.

How will I meet someone? I live with my parents, everyone in my family deals with major illnesses like Schizophrenia or some form of psychosis. Often left undiagnosed in the previous generation.

Because of this, we have ended up cutting ties with most people from the community and for me, when I started created boundaries with my friends - they distanced as well.

So how am I going to meet these better people I deserve? Where are they? Is there a path to meet them?

They do feel imaginary.
 
Top