Stuck - Homeless, Jobless, Helplessly Dysregulated, 19 But Unable To Go No Concat w/ Parents

M

Mothra

My abusivw parents have used coercion, manipulation and guilt tripping to keep me in contact with them. I am 19 and have been in and out of their house since I was 17. Been being abused (neglected, dismissed/ignored, belittled, bullied, parentified, blamed, gaslit, etc etc etc) by them since I was an infant. Was beaten horribly by them and my grandparents during early childhood as well. Presumably there was some sexual abuse but I don’t have a solid grasp on my memories so not sure.

Growing up in an African house in a White upstate NY suburb, I was very isolated culturally and didn’t know that anything was wrong until I met stable people with normal, healthy and loving relationships with their parents. I was filled with rage and vengefulness for years until I chose complacency (fawning) as a way to survive. Eveutlaly I could not do it any more and fell deep into a catatonic, death-like depression. Recently I have been all over the place mentally. I just hate myself and I need help to get better but I’m scaring my loved ones. Constant flashbacks and I don’t know what to do.

I’m living in a barn with a close friend. I am jobless and helplessly disregulated. My friends can’t support me because they’re not trauma informed, and I don’t value myself enough to ask them for the support I need. I’ve tried to but I know if I am overreacting to the way they treat me, or if it’s actually not too much to ask to want friends who take the time to learn and soothe my triggers alongside me.

My parents call and text me constantly and force me to spend time with them. If I say I don’t want to, they “punish” me by “asking” for money that I do not have, later charging interest and claiming that I owe it to them (even though they posed the question as optional). I am now over $300 in debt to my mother and I don’t even have the money to feed myself at this point.

I am so unstable and it’s ruining my life. I need to go no contact but I don’t know how. They haven’t hit me in years so the authorities arent doing shut for me. and since I’m 19 I technically have the agency to just block them. But they will show up at my place. They will call a mental health check. They will call me delusional ajs suicidal and a danger to myself and others and I will never be free. I called a domestic violence advocate and have an appointment with her tomorrow but I’m still feeling worried. Does anyone have advice?
 
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Sideways

Moderator
Welcome to the forum.
Breaking things down a bit:
I’m scaring my loved ones.
If you are imminent risk of harming yourself, the best thing to do is call a local crisis line, or go to your local emergency department.

Please know that this forum doesn't provide crisis support.
I called a domestic violence advocate and have an appointment with her tomorrow
This is far and away the single best thing to do. If they can't help, ask for a referral to an appropriate local support service.
My friends can’t support me because they’re not trauma informed
if it’s actually not too much to ask to want friends who take the time to learn and soothe my triggers alongside me.
Right on.

Our friends can't provide much when we're in crisis (really that takes qualified professionals). When we're struggling a lot, but not quite at crisis, they can still only offer very limited support. Big supports tend to be ourselves (first and foremost) and our therapy team (which we build up - ask about help with that tomorrow).

As much as it sucks, we have to find our own way through. Which is definitely possible. Hard, and very often lonely and isolating. But possible.

I technically have the agency to just block them.
Nothing "technical" about this. Once you're 19 and out of home? You can block them. There are practical steps you can take to become more independent, but probably the first priorities will be your immediate needs, which are things like: secure housing, food, clothes, a source of income etc.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Don't worry about the money she says you owe her, unless she has it in writing with your signature, I don't think she would take you to court. I could be wrong. I second the changing of the phone number, you can also tell the police when they come to do a mental health check that your parents are harassing you. This is a hard situation, I'm glad you don't live in their house anymore.
 
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