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Stuck in a cycle of suicidal thoughts, not sad just tired.

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I don't want to live. I feel guilty and like a coward for continuing to live and not ending my life because I am a waste of resources. Someone who wants to live could use my kidney or something. Someone who wants to live could have my job etc.

I know how lucky I am in this world, and I try to practice gratefulness everyday but I still want to die. And so I continuosly feel guilty for not being more actively suicidal. Everyday there's a part of me that is so angry at myself for wasting resources and peoples time. Yet another part of me still has a slither of hope and keeps trying to get help. Even though I know that I likely will never be completely happy and feel like this, at least a to some degree, for the rest of my life.

So how am I supposed to make the most of my time here? How can I be a productive member of society when all I can think about is how much better it would be to just fall asleep!? And so once again the guilt kicks in and I feel like I am so selfish for not ending my life.

I know that people do get better. But some don't. I have given it a fair shot at getting better I think, but after multiple types of intervention, I have had no relief. Infact, my mental health keeps deteriorating and impacting my life at an increasing rate. I can't stand the thought that this is how I will feel for the rest of my time here. Quality of life over quantity right?

Im in a weird place where Im functional enough to exist and present "normal" and so feel like I can't get help from the crisis team. But CBT or short term counselling have not worked, the multiple times I have done them. Whenever I talk to my GP they always ask, "do you feel like you are in immediate danger?" or "if you do feel like that, do you think you are able to call 999"...well no. Right now I am not in immediate danger but I can't stop thinking about how much relief I would get from dying. If the moment finally comes, why would I call 999? Surely then I will have made up my mind?

So...how do I stop this cycle of thoughts so I can get better or finally give up once and for all. I'm not even sad anymore, just tired and frustrated!!
Hiya @redcrussh and welcome to the site. 😊.

I was in the same situation for a very long time...decades in fact. What really changed things for me was finding an exceptional counselor which I'm on my 91st session, new meds, joining a mental health recovery charity where I go out at least twice a week and have made some great friends who take me out for meals and to see bands and I've started playing the alto saxophone!

I now feel happy, confident, content and hopeful! These things have changed my life.

Don't give up and abandon yourself. Recovery does take effort but my god is it worth it when it pays off.

I take it your in the UK because of the numbers you've referred to. I am also in the UK. 😊
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Was thinking like this just the other day. But then realized I don't know what *better* or good is. Is this feeling good? Bought a shirt that says ...... What if it all works out? Have no idea what that would look like.Have been like this all my life no matter what has been tried. When some one does die usually think Why do they get to die?

Suppose am suppose to say I felt terrible, then I did X and now I feel wonderful. Soon as that happens, I will. I know things pass faster when I am with other people. Know I'm glad you posted so I could. Hang in there. Maybe we will find our x's.
hello redcrush. welcome aboard. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

suicidal ideation is one of my more persistent symptoms. i deal with it by taking the proverbial bull by the horns and looking it square in the eye. am i ready to leave this life? so far the answer has been, "no, not today." in asking myself on a deep, honest and strictly personal level, the heartfelt conclusion helps me feel more at ease about whatever is causing the reemergence of the ideation and better able to find less permanent solutions to temporary problems.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

gentle support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.
I feel the same way. I dont think therapy helps and gp has no mental health advice whatsever. I feel that nobody cares and we just have to pretend not to want to die
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