• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Childhood Stuck thinking about my abuser tonight.

Status
Not open for further replies.

Noise

Learning
I'm so angry at my abuser. It hurts so bad tonight. All I can think about is what she did to me. I want her dead.

she was my f*cking psychiatrist and she kept drugging me up for diagnoses I didn't have so I would be unstable. So I'd have to see her more so she could rape me over and over again

and now I'm so f*cked up as an adult I can't even function. I feel so worthless. The only thing I'm good for is sex just like she told me. And i cant even bring myself to do that cause I'm so f*cking sex repulsed. I hate this.

I just want to rip my skin off. I feel so disgusting. I just want to bathe in acid.

And the worst f*cking part is nobody is ever going to believe me. Nobody is going to take the word of my crazy ass over a respected child psychiatrist and I just feel so damn powerless

I'm sorry I just needed to vent
 
I believe you. And I hear you and I support you.

I know how strong that anger can be. Is there anything you can do tonight to help you be well during this time? For example, watch a movie you've seen before and liked (even if it keeps you up late), play a game that requires a little focus (jigsaw puzzle free apps, for example)?

Wishing you well
 
I believe you. And I hear you and I support you.

Thank you. It's just so shitty cause most times when I bring it up people seem to instantly think I'm just making it up.

So many of the people I've told have told me "a doctor wouldn't do that" "are you sure you aren't remembering it wrong" and one psychiatrist I saw afterwords even told me she needed my abusers side of the story cause she was "questioning my integrity"

And I just feel so alone and scared and sick cause I know she's probably doing it again but I can't stop it and I hate that.

And I'm sorry I'm ranting I'm just really glad you listened to me


Is there anything you can do tonight to help you be well during this time?

I'm just watching YouTube in bed trying really hard to calm down. I'm just very emotional tonight. But this seems to be helping a bit thank you!
 
many of the people I've told have told me "a doctor wouldn't do that" "are you sure you aren't remembering it wrong" and one psychiatrist I saw afterwords even told me she needed my abusers side of the story
That's horrible. I'm so sorry people didn't believe you. But honestly, who would make up such a horrible thing? Only an abuser willing to do horrible things, not you.

And you weren't ranting, and if you were you wouldn't need to apologize. If you need to let it out, why fight it?

I think lots of people here will believe you.

But this seems to be helping a bit thank you!
I'm glad :)

I like to watch SciShow, but also CinemaSins (the ones for The Room and Birdemic are hilarious!) and How It Should Have Ended (also hilarious).
 
But honestly, who would make up such a horrible thing?
That's what I always say but apparently people just can't accept it. It so disheartening and it makes me feel just so invalid.

Only an abuser willing to do horrible things, not you.
Thank you. I needed that

If you need to let it out, why fight it?
I just always get scared that I'm annoying and I'm used to negative reactions so I just don't want to bother people.

I think lots of people here will believe you.
That'd make me so relieved honestly. I hope so. Thank you for believing me.

I like to watch SciShow, but also CinemaSins (the ones for The Room and Birdemic are hilarious!) and How It Should Have Ended (also hilarious).

I love CinemaSins!! Ive never heard of scishow though? What's it about? And what's how it should have ended?

Thank you for helping me. And letting me vent. I'm feeling better.
 
I just always get scared that I'm annoying and I'm used to negative reactions so I just don't want to bother people.
I feel this way, especially when my symptoms are involved. But you know, I think everyone on this site has felt this way at one time or another. You're not alone in that at all.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better!

SciShow is a science channel! They make videos on common sciencey questions, but mostly they report (in a way a nonscientist or a not-my-field-ist can actually digest) brand new articles in the journal Nature, among other popular ones :) It's fascinating! Though, maybe I'm a nerd, lol.

Their SciShow channel is their default, but their sister channels are great too -- SciShow Kids, SciShow Space, and SciShow Psych (which does have videos about PTSD and other things that are useful to learn about!).

And How It Should Have Ended is this silly guy who adds alternate endings to movies based on flaws/loop holes in movies. It's so funny. The premise is that the creator of the show once saw a movie as a kid where at the end of the movie, the two main characters sat down at a coffee shop and just talked it out.

He made that into Batman and Superman talking about life half the time, lol. The early videos aren't great but later ones are golden. (Especially if you've seen the movies they're making fun of.) I was introduced to it by my twin brother in high school and used to love watching them with him.

I haven't seen the recent ones so I can't say if they're any good, but this one still got a chuckle out of me: How Harry Potter Should Have Ended

The Hero Swap with Forest Gump in the Matrix crackled me up as a kid -- not sure it would anymore but thought I'd mention it anyway :P
 
I also believe you. And I am so so sorry for what happened.
The ideas @littleoc gave you are great. I've been watching Phineas and Ferb on Netflix recently when I'm too scared to sleep. I find the bright colours of the cartoon to be comforting.
I hope that you are able to find some peace tonight.
 
I feel this way, especially when my symptoms are involved. But you know, I think everyone on this site has felt this way at one time or another. You're not alone in that at all.

Thank you I just know I get emotional. Thank you for helping me feel more normal.

SciShow is a science channel!
I love science and nerdy things it definitely sounds up my alley :)

And How It Should Have Ended
The Gandalf at the end got a giggle out of me thank you.
 
I'm so angry at my abuser. It hurts so bad tonight. All I can think about is what she did to me. I want h...
Your anger is justified and letting it out here can help. I think it is a travesty for children to be used, abused and then be left to suffer a lifetime, not that we really consider what we have is anything close to the life we imagined for ourselves. Something triggered you last night that brought back your anger, resentment, and yes "hatred." Are you able to identify the trigger(s)?

I tried to tell my parents, the abuser and his parents that I was being abused, but I was not quite 3 years old at the time and everyone except the 17 year old abuser did not understand what I was saying. To everyone else I was having a tantrum, and boy was it a loud tantrum.
No one has the right to steal your childhood, your innocents, your mind and use your body, especially a psychiatrist. Is this Psychiatrist still in Business? I grew up with no voice, but I sure have one now. It took me 55 years to turn in my abusers, but I did.
 
I believe you. I know it is hard and it hurts when you finally open up and people question you and don't believe you. It is normal and okay to feel angry at your abuser and it is justified.
Don't know if you still need this still but my go to thing is to watch Friends because it always cheers me up. Plus the laughter is really good and therapeutic.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top