Stupid trigger and retreating...from dating

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
So... The start of why I came to this site is because of SA. So dating has always been complicated for me.
Thankfully due to circumstance my last serious relationship was friends for 6 months before we got together. That made everything easier. All other attempts between the trauma and that relationship were short and chaotic and I had the habit of ending things before everything gets serious. I've been single for a while and was just feeling up for dating.

And then of course, we all know what the last 2 months have been.
Tried online dating site for a first time now, as sort of a dip-my-toe-in-water kinda thing. Overally positive, as in with very little effort and random selfie of myself I took on a good day, I got responses. Even got to a conversation, really nice one... and then it turned out that all he was looking for was one night stand. Still overly not bad conversation, but I went to the site not knowing yet what I wanted and the moment the conversation got in that direction I started panicking. It was super polite and civilized conversation, so that wasn't the reason.

But I'm off the all and feeling anxious in waves and worried about what that might mean for my dating. Or lackthereof. How am I suppose to date like this? I liked the app, liked talking to people, this whole start of liking looks and getting to know a person. But then certain things touch a nerve and I end up feeling so sooo dark and panicky and nauseous. How will I ever fine anyone else willing to deal with my stupid issues? I though that stopped being an issue since I did have the relationship that lasted, but getting into something new and real feels just as scary now. Except I want to get over it one day. And to date. And for things to be less complicated, feel less complicated. But it's not where I'm at and whatever I want or don't all I know is, it's past midnight, and I'm in bed panicking and drifting in and out of memories and I'm so exhausted of that feeling...
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Meant kindly...

I think you're circling yourself in panicky cognitive distortions land ;)

All the never / evers, helplessness, everything went dark so means it IS dark emotional reasoning, he wanted X I wanted Y means ALL men want X and worse and I can't Ever date :bawling:, black & white ad extreme...

Dear.
Get some solid rest, and come back to thinking of it when you're feeling both rested & well secure in your ability to deal with the world - not when it's tired midnight, the mid of no-time no-go hellscape in the morning ;)

As what happened?
Is awesome :inlove:
So many congratulations.

You went out to a dating site.
Had clear & concise & casual & comfortable conversation with someone.
Figured out your needs & wants differ,
Parted on rather polite & respectful terms
And you even think of doing it again :ninja: - as in all your panic, there is Fuuture. Want better future. How do I get there??!? question underneath.

And heading for the future = a long line of wins. ;)

All things worth celebrating.
And being proud of.

How do you do it?
With more practice, and patience ;)

Until you not only know more than what you don't want, but what you do gets less difficult, and you find who you want. Even if it keeps being hard ;)

Less generic advice, don't got. New to healthy dating too. :) But cough. At times I run things I'm too ashamed to ask adult people past teenagers.

Teens these days are awesome & simplify heckuva lot. If kids consider something douchy it probably is. I catch up on adult layers & reasons to it, later, and help out there. Just a whole developmental stage I missed out on. :facepalm:

Truly. Things are overcomable. And can be alright. Comforting & happy making & safe & lasting.
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
not when it's tired midnight, the mid of no-time no-go hellscape in the morning ;)
Thanks! Honestly, I think I need some kind of reminder when I panic to just sleep on it. I do feel better today. I just got too excited yesterday and crossed a bit of my limit of how much of something new to take on in one day. Feel a bit better today but definitely realised I need to just go slower and have patience with myself in this. Just because I'm finally trying doesn't mean I need to try all/do all/learn all/figure out all in one evening. And as you said, definitely not late at night when I'm tired and less patient.

So many congratulations.
Thank you! Honestly it is actually a big step for me, and as far as first try goes I think it was okay. Plus it's making me think over important things- realise what I want by seeing what I don't want, realising my own values and strenghts, thinking about life questions and all that. And also despite my fears, how very normal it is to be jittery trying something new. Sans the panic part, but I'm giving that time.

How do you do it?
With more practice, and patience
Indeed. As I said. I'm counting this as a success, planning to do more... but going to give myself time.
 

Klanala

Learning
So... The start of why I came to this site is because of SA. So dating has always been complicated for me.
Thankfully due to circumstance my last serious relationship was friends for 6 months before we got together. That made everything easier. All other attempts between the trauma and that relationship were short and chaotic and I had the habit of ending things before everything gets serious. I've been single for a while and was just feeling up for dating.

And then of course, we all know what the last 2 months have been.
Tried online dating site for a first time now, as sort of a dip-my-toe-in-water kinda thing. Overally positive, as in with very little effort and random selfie of myself I took on a good day, I got responses. Even got to a conversation, really nice one... and then it turned out that all he was looking for was one night stand. Still overly not bad conversation, but I went to the site not knowing yet what I wanted and the moment the conversation got in that direction I started panicking. It was super polite and civilized conversation, so that wasn't the reason.

But I'm off the all and feeling anxious in waves and worried about what that might mean for my dating. Or lackthereof. How am I suppose to date like this? I liked the app, liked talking to people, this whole start of liking looks and getting to know a person. But then certain things touch a nerve and I end up feeling so sooo dark and panicky and nauseous. How will I ever fine anyone else willing to deal with my stupid issues? I though that stopped being an issue since I did have the relationship that lasted, but getting into something new and real feels just as scary now. Except I want to get over it one day. And to date. And for things to be less complicated, feel less complicated. But it's not where I'm at and whatever I want or don't all I know is, it's past midnight, and I'm in bed panicking and drifting in and out of memories and I'm so exhausted of that feeling...

I began my search in march 2019. I understand seeking Africa's issues completely. I tried several dating apps. Found men wanting money phones gift cards or just sex right up front and nothing else. Finally felt like giving up then joined silver singles . Met a man who lives in my hometown. We met share similar beliefs experiences dysfunctional family background failed and unhappy marriages etc. We are doing well so far. We are putting in extra effort into " us" . Our relationship is safe. No abuse etc. I would keep trying putting oneself out there. A healthy relationship is healing for both people.
 
Top