Sudden Anger at Partner

sleeveheart

New Here
I guess I just need to vent.

I've been dating my partner for the past 3 months. I wanted to say, 'everything is great' but it's not.
I like him a lot. I do. But I get angry at him, a lot too. He says I have these unspoken expectations and I'm always angry.
He's not very emotionally available and mature. He also has a hard time coping and has anxiety and depression.
He sleeps till 2 in the afternoon and falls asleep at 4 in the morning.
He went through a big change in his life, so I try to be understanding, but it just feels like...the same thing, every time.
I'm doing my best to not jump ship, after we hooked up (I wanted to just hook up and call it a day).
But he kind of kept sticking around, wanting to see me, and it felt different.
He also listens to a lot of things I ask him to do, but I feel like all I see are the things he won't do.
I keep seeing his flaws and being impatient about how much I want him to change.
I know, I know. I shouldn't go into a relationship forcing him to change. I know, codependency, etc.
When I try to have an adult discussion, he just shuts down, and isn't available.
He only sees me once a week, twice a week if he can. At this point, I don't want to see him,
but it seems like I'm always setting boundaries and he gets upset.
I want to make my life better. Someone I love died last year, and I'm doing the best I can to really pull myself out, and I just want the relationship between him and I just to fade away.
I'm so tired of being the growing one, the one that faces challenges, the one pushes others. He just wants everything to stay the same (he said this to me).

I've been in therapy for a long time, and it feels like I'm dragging him along with me.
I can't do this anymore. I feel like such a failure when it comes to relationships. I always choose the wrong person. I always seem to make the wrong decision.
 

sleeveheart

New Here
You're 3 months in and not enjoying it and don't want it: then end it.

Doesn't sound like sudden anger? But that you are both in very different places and want different things. It happens.

Hey Movingforward10, I appreciate your input.
I think I try not to just indulge in my flight response (which for me, is breaking up and cutting that person off), and is a knee jerk reaction.
I took a walk and allowed my flight response to get through my body, and it helped a lot.
I learned through this experience that there is a way to have a healthy fight response, also.
Once I did my flight response and my body registered it, I was able to use my words to say what was on my mind.
I discovered I actually did have a lot to say, in a way that isn't destructive, which is usually my fight response after my flight response.

This person has a history of being screamed at and beat up by his mom and thus, shutting down.
I wanted to have empathy for that part of him, as someone who has been through therapy and has had abusive family (he hasn't had therapy, for his own reasons). He'd been open to it at one point, but he declined when I brought it up again. I honor his decision to go/not go to therapy, because I don't want to be like his family, who pushes him to do things under compulsion.

So, I brought up my points about how I felt about the relationship, without being accusatory.
I told him that he was dissociating, shutting down, and thus being emotionally unavailable, which was a turn off for me- this wasn't said in malice, but in truth, because I recently felt like I had no interest in seeing him in person. I did point out the facts and reminded him that he's an adult who has the power to change his life for the better, that he's no longer a child. That what I'm talking about isn't just about the fact that he still lives with his parents (he's past the age), or getting a car or the house, but the mindset shift he needs to have. That his parents won't change, and if he continues to try to change them, he's the one that isn't changing.

I also stayed true to my desire to not see him for awhile, rather than indulging him to change while I stay frustrated. I mentioned that I said a lot of things that may take some time to digest, and that I will also be busy to put some space between myself and my preoccupation with this relationship.

My goal is to always learn from every relationship, and become better. I used to run away from relationships (break up, ghost) when I wasn't getting what I felt like I wanted, and I'm learning to "fight" constructively by saying what I know to be true. It's not up to me to manage the other person's response. But it's my job, as an adult, to make sure that I speak up for my needs, which is something I never could do as a child who went through abuse and trauma.

I was in a lot of pain before, but walking helped me a lot, and I discovered a healthy way to indulge my flight response.

I'm bringing all of this up in case other people read this thread, because this was a helpful experience where I learned a lot about my CPTSD responses.

Thank you.
 
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