Sudden aversion to sex with s/o

I don't want to get super into the details at this time, but I have C-PTSD and was sexually and emotionally abused as a child. I am on a waitlist to see a new therapist, but I really need advice sooner.

More recently my husband was struggling with mental illness, as well as questioning his sexual orientation and gender. He had been repressing his bodily dysphoria for a long time and became unsure if he was actually sexually attracted to me, but still loved me. A lot of things happened and it hurt a lot. For both of us.

He is doing a lot better now and I am very happy for him. He is certain he is still attracted to me, and would like to have sex again. I would too, but I just can't. I've tried twice but started dissociating. I've been averse to sex generally and don't even want to be seen undressed. It's happened before but not for so long.

Obviously being told by your spouse they're maybe not attracted to you will hurt no matter how gentle they are about it. But I think when I was being abused I based all my self-worth on being sexually desirable because that was the only "positive" attention I got, or so I thought then. And while I intellectually I realize that whole saga was not a rejection or failure- lizard brain still registered it as such. And is afraid of it happening again. It's very viseral. He can literally be proposing we sex I am still so scared he is in denial and was never attracted to me and I am holding him back in a passionless marriage and on and on...

We have known each other for many years and have a healthy, communucative relationship. I have talked to him about all of this and he is understanding. But I still feel so pathetic. And I know it's affecting him too. I don't know.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Awe man I am so sorry you're going through this right now. I'm on here for my own issues. Sparing going there right now.

You guys sound like you're doing it. The work needed.

I have body issues I was forced to be seen nearly naked by many strangers in my own home and wasn't allowed to put clothes on. I was in cuffs.

It helps me to sit in front of the mirror on the ground it's a stand up one. And I face myself. I monitor my thoughts. I've done this with my husband too. Has lead to sex sometimes sometimes to crying. The point is self exploration and challenging thoughts. And naked if I can.

I'm rooting for you guys! Ps we almost got a divorce. Our situations are different but lined similarly. Editing to add we have a great marriage T

And youre NOT PATHETIC!
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
It's so hard and I'm sorry you are going through this.

I too base(d) my whole self on whether I am/was sexually attractive (what else is there to offer someone right?). So I am holding how I would feel if my partner said they weren't sure they found me attractive anymore. Massive hurt. And then the previous abuse. That's very hard.

I wonder if breaking 'sex' down would help?
If sex means a certain act, are there other sexual acts that might feel better or safer or start exploring with? Build up intimacy?

What you also have thrown in (as if you need more stuff thrown in), is his feelings and thoughts about his body, gender identity etc. Whilst he has said he is attracted to you, what does he think about his sexual orientation and gender now? And how does that impact his sexual expression with you?

It can get better.
But maybe take it slow?

(Idk if this helps but I had started to cry/sob after sex with my partner, after years of blocking everything out. Last 3 times: no crying at all. So fingers crossed I might be through it now. So it can get better).
 
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