Rose White
MyPTSD Pro
I have come a long way. But this latest turn is really hurting my body. I called the crisis line tonight. Hard to talk but I can’t stop trying to hold on.
In my last session I grieved my marriage relationship. I was so stupid and clueless to manipulation and that was just normal life. I didn’t know better.
I’ve lived alone for three years now, I think. My sense of time is messed up.
The grief was so intense and now my body is feeling all this tension for days now. The only time it goes away is when I sleep, but I only sleep for a few hours then wide awake. That is new.
But also, for the first time I’m really frightened about being alone and dying alone. This is totally new and scary. Before when I was processing grief I would find comfort in SI. But that’s not happening anymore (thank goodness).
But this fear of being alone and realizing how alone I really am is driving cycles of panic. I feel like I’m 3 and just discovering death and being alone. It’s so uncomfortable. Maybe I should ask for another session but what if it’s just grieving more? Probably my therapist would recognize that I need regulation and grounding not grieving. I feel so gross inside. And I can’t eat.
The crisis professional said all these are good signs. I feel so alone and spinny. I don’t know what to do. Grounding. I’m supposed to do grounding. Feels like I’m just starting therapy for the first time and I disclosed my abuse. That’s how I feel. The circling back. My muscles are so tight. Please relief. Please hold me. Don’t know who I’m asking. I’m crying out to the Universe, “What am I supposed to do with these feelings??? They are so uncomfortable!!!”
At least I’m familiar with this. It’s happened before, but this is the first time without SI.
In my last session I grieved my marriage relationship. I was so stupid and clueless to manipulation and that was just normal life. I didn’t know better.
I’ve lived alone for three years now, I think. My sense of time is messed up.
The grief was so intense and now my body is feeling all this tension for days now. The only time it goes away is when I sleep, but I only sleep for a few hours then wide awake. That is new.
But also, for the first time I’m really frightened about being alone and dying alone. This is totally new and scary. Before when I was processing grief I would find comfort in SI. But that’s not happening anymore (thank goodness).
But this fear of being alone and realizing how alone I really am is driving cycles of panic. I feel like I’m 3 and just discovering death and being alone. It’s so uncomfortable. Maybe I should ask for another session but what if it’s just grieving more? Probably my therapist would recognize that I need regulation and grounding not grieving. I feel so gross inside. And I can’t eat.
The crisis professional said all these are good signs. I feel so alone and spinny. I don’t know what to do. Grounding. I’m supposed to do grounding. Feels like I’m just starting therapy for the first time and I disclosed my abuse. That’s how I feel. The circling back. My muscles are so tight. Please relief. Please hold me. Don’t know who I’m asking. I’m crying out to the Universe, “What am I supposed to do with these feelings??? They are so uncomfortable!!!”
At least I’m familiar with this. It’s happened before, but this is the first time without SI.