Bananamango
Learning
I'm aware this phenomenon is common, and I've seen a few posts from newbie supporters about this recently, so I'm pretty sure I won't be the only one who would like to better understand. I imagine it can vary from person to person, but any of your insight would be appreciated.
I've recently been experiencing this (again) with a close friend of mine; goes in cycles when he isolates, but he always comes back friendly. In my personal case, I can't really discuss things with him. He's extremely private and shuts down if you try to discuss anything. So I'm always guessing what I should be doing or what he actually wants/needs.
I'm hoping some of you are able to explain why this happens and also, what is best for us as supporters to do?
Some questions to prompt you, but please add in whatever I've missed!
SUFFERER THOUGHTS/FEELINGS:
What are you thinking/feeling when you have to decrease interaction with us closest to you? Can you explain why you have to?
What are your fears if you interact with us (if you have any)?
When you are interacting with other people, do you actually feel sort of 'normal' or are you mostly faking it to appear normal?
If you are faking, doesn't that take a lot of energy too? (Wouldn't it be easier to just sort of isolate/interact less with everyone? Why just certain closer people?)
Do you feel bad you have to cut us out (guilt or shame, embarrassment?) or are you too busy just trying to survive?
Do you realize we are aware you are avoiding us/interacting with us?
Do you ever worry when we give you space/change our normal pattern of communication that we are angry with you or that we might leave/abandon you?
Is it because we are triggering you? Would that fluctuate? (If we were a trigger, wouldn't we always be a trigger, not just in a cycle pattern when you isolate?)
How do you feel when you try to 'come back' to us? What are you thinking then?
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WHAT SHOULD SUPPORTERS DO?:
Obviously, if we plan to have a relationship with you we MUST give you the space you need and respect what you specifically request, but if not in a super-close or romantic relationship, sometimes clear 'guidelines' are not given/unable to be discussed and we have to guess! I definitely know we must respect your wishes, and have read on here that when people don't, it doesn't tend to go well. But what do you need/want?
If we run into you:
Is it still okay for us to be friendly with you (wave or just say hi, without conversation) or would you prefer we not really acknowledge you unless you initiate, or would you prefer/appreciate if we just try to avoid you completely? (I've sometimes wondered if you feel anger/pissed off in that moment in seeing us....do we cause you to feel anger? I'm maybe just sensitive...) We don't want you to have additional stress wondering if we are angry with you for your decreased contact or when we decrease our contact with you... Maybe not something you even think about...but we do.
Communication:
If we normally text or email you periodically, should we maintain the same pattern/level of communication, as if things are normal, or completely stop or just slow down? (We definitely don't want to stress you, but also don't want to make a big deal of the situation so you feel awkward or abandoned in any way....what is best for you?)
When you 'come back':
I'm assuming it's best to just kind of go on as if it didn't happen? I'm imagining you maybe don't want to talk about it or maybe feel awkwardness, so just continue on as usual?
You can see I'm making some assumptions here, and from what I've learned on the excellent 'What are they thinking?' thread started by Freida, it seems supporters and sufferers are on totally different planets, so I may be out to lunch! Please correct anything I've got wrong. We're just trying to learn and respond to you in ways that are helpful, not hurtful--I hope I haven't offended any sufferers in any way with any of my (hopefully not stupid!) questions!
Thank you for your help in understanding!
I've recently been experiencing this (again) with a close friend of mine; goes in cycles when he isolates, but he always comes back friendly. In my personal case, I can't really discuss things with him. He's extremely private and shuts down if you try to discuss anything. So I'm always guessing what I should be doing or what he actually wants/needs.
I'm hoping some of you are able to explain why this happens and also, what is best for us as supporters to do?
Some questions to prompt you, but please add in whatever I've missed!
SUFFERER THOUGHTS/FEELINGS:
What are you thinking/feeling when you have to decrease interaction with us closest to you? Can you explain why you have to?
What are your fears if you interact with us (if you have any)?
When you are interacting with other people, do you actually feel sort of 'normal' or are you mostly faking it to appear normal?
If you are faking, doesn't that take a lot of energy too? (Wouldn't it be easier to just sort of isolate/interact less with everyone? Why just certain closer people?)
Do you feel bad you have to cut us out (guilt or shame, embarrassment?) or are you too busy just trying to survive?
Do you realize we are aware you are avoiding us/interacting with us?
Do you ever worry when we give you space/change our normal pattern of communication that we are angry with you or that we might leave/abandon you?
Is it because we are triggering you? Would that fluctuate? (If we were a trigger, wouldn't we always be a trigger, not just in a cycle pattern when you isolate?)
How do you feel when you try to 'come back' to us? What are you thinking then?
-----
WHAT SHOULD SUPPORTERS DO?:
Obviously, if we plan to have a relationship with you we MUST give you the space you need and respect what you specifically request, but if not in a super-close or romantic relationship, sometimes clear 'guidelines' are not given/unable to be discussed and we have to guess! I definitely know we must respect your wishes, and have read on here that when people don't, it doesn't tend to go well. But what do you need/want?
If we run into you:
Is it still okay for us to be friendly with you (wave or just say hi, without conversation) or would you prefer we not really acknowledge you unless you initiate, or would you prefer/appreciate if we just try to avoid you completely? (I've sometimes wondered if you feel anger/pissed off in that moment in seeing us....do we cause you to feel anger? I'm maybe just sensitive...) We don't want you to have additional stress wondering if we are angry with you for your decreased contact or when we decrease our contact with you... Maybe not something you even think about...but we do.
Communication:
If we normally text or email you periodically, should we maintain the same pattern/level of communication, as if things are normal, or completely stop or just slow down? (We definitely don't want to stress you, but also don't want to make a big deal of the situation so you feel awkward or abandoned in any way....what is best for you?)
When you 'come back':
I'm assuming it's best to just kind of go on as if it didn't happen? I'm imagining you maybe don't want to talk about it or maybe feel awkwardness, so just continue on as usual?
You can see I'm making some assumptions here, and from what I've learned on the excellent 'What are they thinking?' thread started by Freida, it seems supporters and sufferers are on totally different planets, so I may be out to lunch! Please correct anything I've got wrong. We're just trying to learn and respond to you in ways that are helpful, not hurtful--I hope I haven't offended any sufferers in any way with any of my (hopefully not stupid!) questions!
Thank you for your help in understanding!