I’m going to go out on a limb and post in this section. I’m a supporter, so please feel free to move this post if it’s not appropriate for this section.
My partner suffers from PTSD due to CSA. Things aren’t smooth sailing, of course, but we’re committed and love each other. His stance on starting a family has always been that he’d like to, but wants to be in a good enough place with himself to guarantee he will be a good father.
Now, three years later, re-traumatized by a horrible therapist, averse to classic therapy, and mostly occupied with keeping himself sane and stable (which he’s successfully doing for the most part,) he’s told me that he can’t guarantee he will be ready to have kids in a time frame that makes sense for us. He is willing to do anything he can to help himself deal and heal (perhaps DBT groups, excerise, books, mediation groups etc.) just not classic therapy anymore.
Essentially, he is scared of how confronting having children will be for him, that he won’t be able to cope, and let his children down. I fully understand his logic. It’s his right to say he doesn’t want kids, if that’s what his decision is, and I would never blame him for it.
But he doesn’t say he doesn’t want them, he says he can’t guarantee he will be capable, and most arguments he brings are based on hypotheticals and fears that haven’t been confirmed (that he’ll check out, that he’ll resent his children, that he won’t be able to keep his panick attacks at bay.) There’s pressure mounting now for him to “get better” in an appropriate time frame, which is about as counter productive as it can get for actually getting better.
Of course, it’s up to me to make a choice if I can take the risk, wait a few more years, and possibly not build a family at all. I’m aware of my own power of choice here, as well as his.
My question to you in this section is how you have dealt with issues and fears around having children of your own. It’s somewhat of a vague and open question, I realize that. But perhaps someone has been in a similar situation with their own supporter and has some wise words to share. Thank you.
My partner suffers from PTSD due to CSA. Things aren’t smooth sailing, of course, but we’re committed and love each other. His stance on starting a family has always been that he’d like to, but wants to be in a good enough place with himself to guarantee he will be a good father.
Now, three years later, re-traumatized by a horrible therapist, averse to classic therapy, and mostly occupied with keeping himself sane and stable (which he’s successfully doing for the most part,) he’s told me that he can’t guarantee he will be ready to have kids in a time frame that makes sense for us. He is willing to do anything he can to help himself deal and heal (perhaps DBT groups, excerise, books, mediation groups etc.) just not classic therapy anymore.
Essentially, he is scared of how confronting having children will be for him, that he won’t be able to cope, and let his children down. I fully understand his logic. It’s his right to say he doesn’t want kids, if that’s what his decision is, and I would never blame him for it.
But he doesn’t say he doesn’t want them, he says he can’t guarantee he will be capable, and most arguments he brings are based on hypotheticals and fears that haven’t been confirmed (that he’ll check out, that he’ll resent his children, that he won’t be able to keep his panick attacks at bay.) There’s pressure mounting now for him to “get better” in an appropriate time frame, which is about as counter productive as it can get for actually getting better.
Of course, it’s up to me to make a choice if I can take the risk, wait a few more years, and possibly not build a family at all. I’m aware of my own power of choice here, as well as his.
My question to you in this section is how you have dealt with issues and fears around having children of your own. It’s somewhat of a vague and open question, I realize that. But perhaps someone has been in a similar situation with their own supporter and has some wise words to share. Thank you.