Sufferer Suffering from GAD, MDD, PTSD, Bipolar 2, BPD, Drug Addiction

sadchick

New Here
Hi, My name is Lauren and I'm on here to try out some options I have towards sites like this. I'm coming to the end of intense treatment I go to during the day and work as much as I can. My ptsd symptoms come out during work but it has been getting better each shift. From my BPD, I am scared of myself and what I will do in a manic episode or when my mood changes; because it does quite frequently throughout the day. I am scared about what my life will look like from here on, though I am in control of how it will go; radical acceptance is hard to do. Especially when you've experienced abuse all your life and one of your most frightening horrific nightmares you had as a child comes true in early adulthood. I'm 22 years old, and I think all I've known is pain and rejection and invalidation. I have no idea who I am, but I know that at times when my addict brain talks and my BPD is in full effect; I won't think twice about doing something to self destruct or have instant gratification. I'm now in my own hell, and the path out of hell is through misery and this misery feels as if it will never end.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello sadchick. welcome to the forum. i have a similar psycho smorgasbord to manage and ? ? ? it is a challenge, but quite doable. strong therapy support makes a huge difference and this very forum is one of the nodes on my own therapy support network. i hope you will feel safe to make full use of the resource.

welcome aboard. steadying support while you find your way through.
 

sadchick

New Here
I am thankful for the responses. I am struggling with coming to terms with my BPD after just finishing a book called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." It is such a great informational book about BPD and has taught me so much about myself. But everyday I keep trying my best to come to terms with things, and to not indulge in my addiction. This weekend I explained my addiction and BPD is like two demons in my head that like to speak to each other and tries to control me. My therapist helped me see today that I used to believe that these illnesses were just me, I am my symptoms, I am bad. Now I know that my demons try to bring me down everyday but every time I do things that I know are good for me and that are productive, it is fighting back; like right now. I am sitting in a coffee shop alone reading and writing before I go to work. I am touched that there are people that rely on this platform to relate and help each other. I have been having trouble with identifying my emotions. Before entering the hospital and in a manic episode, I was not able to control my emotions at all, crying at anything struggling to hold back the tears every single day. Basically putting myself through psychological terror. Now I can only cry during in person group therapy and if my therapist pokes a wound. I cannot cry by myself anymore, but why do I want to cry by myself? I have literally no idea and am just confused by that.
 

sadchick

New Here
hello sadchick. welcome to the forum. i have a similar psycho smorgasbord to manage and ? ? ? it is a challenge, but quite doable. strong therapy support makes a huge difference and this very forum is one of the nodes on my own therapy support network. i hope you will feel safe to make full use of the resource.

welcome aboard. steadying support while you find your way through.
I just posted a thread asking literally how to be a functional human being in life while dealing with dual diagnosis. I feel that I am just drifting through my days honestly. I go to therapy I do household chores get things cleaned up to go to work and rest. One in a while hangout with my one friend. I am doing more things that are small but do make a difference towards my mood whether it be reading or listening to a podcast that I love. But how do I become emotionally available to literally myself and other people like friends.
 
Hi @sadchick welcome! I think it's amazing that you haven't given up on yourself and you're working through the misery. It definitely sucks and I can relate. The fact that you're not giving up is inspiring. Glad you are here and hope you find this space a positive support on your journey.
 
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