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Suffocated, frozen and shut down

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My T suggested that I try to open up more cause according to him that's how shifts happen... When we open up and become vulnerable in therapy.

I was pretty open two sessions ago but when my T noticed and pointed out that I was changing for the better and becoming more comfortable sharing stuff with him, it made me feel like pulling away again so I did. I couldn't help but feel suffocated by his comments.

I don't know if I trust him either. Sometimes I feel like walking in his office and yelling: I know you hate me! It's written all over your face.. Why don't you just stop pretending and admit it?! You're using me, you liar... But I don't. I stuff all those thoughts deep down and stay guarded instead.

So here is why I don't trust him:

1. He's too relaxed.
2. He asked me if I like movies. When I told him about a good movie I saw on a streaming site recently, he wrote down the name of it and address of the site and said he'd like to check it out. This all means that he's using me.
3. He doesn't probe enough when I try to keep the session light.
4. He never uses the word abuse in describing my mom, even though I told him I was beaten up as a kid. Therefore he's on my mom's side.

Obviously all my reasons are flawed and he'd think I was crazy if I brought it up to him. As flawed as they are they are the kind of thoughts that keep me guarded off.

Has anyone had similar experiences? If so how have you put aside your doubts to open up?
 
Actually, I think it's hella important you bring them up to him. I am very honest with my therapist. I enjoy being cold and crass about what I'm thinking. I am respectful, but I will often return to next session and inform her of how she 'ticked me off', or that I spent time hating her. I get the hesitation with it, but at the end of the day knowing you have these flawed thoughts and you letting them fester is like an infection you are letting grow. Even in my honestly my therapist is able to pull out patterns and things to push my boundaries with. I push back extra hard or shut down, but if the therapist is any good (like mine is), they will figure out a way through it.

With me, I am extremely resistant to doing exposure. So, the past handful of sessions my therapist has broken it up into the first half, I talk about whatever I want and then the second half is a relaxation and then exposure. Well, when I would walk in the room she would start with her consistent opening line, "how has your week been"? That question pissed me off because I felt like we weren't talking about how I was feeling and she was doing nothing but forcing this stupid exposure down my throat. It is absolutely terrifying. I have no way out and I LOATHE how she demands I do it. It's not even the exposure part I don't enjoy, but rather the fact that she is forcing me. What she tells me is avoidance, in my brain is me coming to terms with what I have to do. Just because it's hard and terrifying work doesn't mean I won't do it, but the whole 'no choice' thing doesn't sit well with me. HOWEVER, last session was a little surprising. We had a short conversation about doing the exposure, and I reminded her of how my issue was with how she was forcing me into doing it. I told her to find a new approach. She informed me that I made her question her tactics and she went to review the literature in hopes of finding a new way to help me approach the exposure. I don't get very far with it at all and I feel like a loser, or sometimes I think she believes I am purposefully not trying so I can stay off work longer. Each time I share thoughts like this with her she is constantly re-assuring me that 'maybe this is just part of the process', and we will try again next session. Your therapist is right, if you don't open up (even a little) there is nothing to discuss and he may as well be talking to a brick wall.

I guess what I'm saying is don't forget you are allowed to ask him questions about the trauma, his approach, thoughts and whatever else you want. You have the option to walk out the door. Don't fall into the trap of this power imbalance that the other person sitting on the other side of the room knows all. Heck no. They know their interpretation of what we tell them. You are in control. But don't forget they are not mind readers. If you don't tell him, he won't know. Effective communication about feelings is hard, especially with PTSD, but you need to share how uncomfortable it is for you that he seems so relaxed, how you know it's a flawed thought but you felt like he was using you for free movies, or you need him to push you harder in some sessions. Oh and bring up the word 'abuse'. Have you ever called it that in session? Perhaps he has a therapeutic rationale for not calling it that? Or maybe he hasn't realized it? I always believe that it's the therapists way in deterring a client from continually being the victim. You know, address the trauma but break it down into things they can work with versus reinforcing you are struggling with what you are due to the abuse and that's it. Now that is who you are. Does that make sense? Sorry for the ramble.
 
I think we all go through times where we find excuses not to trust our therapist for one reason or another.I remember my T once spoke to me in the different tone of voice and I spent the whole week thinking I do not trust him but we talked about it and worked things out.
I think that you need to discuss how you are feeling with your therapist and that you are having a couple of trust issues that you need to work through.
 
I totally hit the "I don't think so" button when my T started talking about trauma and dissociation. Wall went straight up. I really appreciate how sensitive she is and how she changed her language to enable me to trust her a little more. And as a professional I think she's amazing. But part of me is filled with intense distrust. So your T may be stepping gently. I'm in admiration that you can verbalise why you don't trust him.
 
thanks for your responses @MyWillow @Emotional girl @UnicornSightings and @Stephernovas.

I know i have to at least try and talk to my T about my trust issues. It's serious enough. I've had a lot of self harm thoughts and urges since our last session and that usually doesn't happen.

I think im just not sure whats going on. i feel out of control.

It sort of feels like my mind is under a virus attack. you know how back in the day, if you had spyware malware adware virus on your computer it just kept on popping open ad windows on your browser when you were trying to do something else. and no matter how many you tried to close, it was way too fast for you and before you knew it, your entire screen was covered in windows? well, it feels like i have spyware going off in my mind. I didn't put it there. I didn't consent to it being there. Some evil person put it there. And I don't know how to get it off.

i just keep thinking about how my T must hate me and must want me to stop seeing him. no matter how many times i tell it thats not true, my mind just generates the same exact thoughts over and over again.

i mean how can i possibly talk about this without offending my T. im going to be accusing him of hating me. and hes been trying so hard to help me so its going to feel like a slap in the face to him. sigh.
 
I want to say few things and hope you can take what makes sense to you.
Therapists are not god or almighty. Whatever feelings you get around them is something you bring around them (most of the time...of course sometimes therapists are incompetent).
I do not truly believe exposure therapy cause sometimes things can happened when you are like 1yr old or before language or only body memory and then how do you expose that without having the person regress dangerously? after all, one has to live the next day right?

So all these feelings and the list you have are GREAT but now you do not need to share as much as work through them yourself in your everyday life or think through them or identify the feeling or the experience.

1. He's too relaxed. - Could this be you are from chaos family? intense family and not familiar with relaxation? if yes then, tell him that you had experience of chaos ....rather than saying you are too relaxed. You make it about your past life. I feel I am from chaos or intense and I feel not comfortable in therapy...it is too relaxing. See here you are not blaming - which is a great feat itself and you are putting your own life into the room to talk about it...if this is your thing. Not liking relaxed has meaning for you, so find that.
2. He asked me if I like movies. When I told him about a good movie I saw on a streaming site recently, he wrote down the name of it and address of the site and said he'd like to check it out. This all means that he's using me. - How do you know for sure he is using you? for what? There can be many other thoughts about this. The fact you feel he is using you is trust issue as you mentioned. What happens if you ask him next time, so did you see that movie? and then maybe you can say, I want to talk the movie today not therapy. You are paying so you have the right to talk about whatever...and you may see he liked the movie or not who cares or he did not see it and you can ask him why or why not...just normal conversation.
3. He doesn't probe enough when I try to keep the session light. - this thought here is classic. You want him to read your mind. Did a parent or caretaker ignored you in the past? or did you try to show something to someone, and they did not notice....it is really great you have these insights but they are not about the therapist. watch yourself how often you have a thought and want the other person to know...it may give you an idea you do this often and it is not working for you.
or alternatively, you could ask your therapy that you are feeling light in the conversation and listen to your body reaction...or say in the past you felt not being understood....again no projecting or blaming but owning your feeling and bringing up as your feeling. YOu have the power.
4. He never uses the word abuse in describing my mom, even though I told him I was beaten up as a kid. Therefore he's on my mom's side. - are you sure about this? I think if you truly believe this, you would not come back to him? so this is your feeling not truth or a fact? you can again bring up like I feel my abuse makes people uncomfortable...I feel this...you see...he cannt argue your feeling...and then the conversation goes from there.

I am sorry if my thoughts do not make sense. I just felt you had a lot of insight but were contributing all to the therapist who is just another person in your life today and these feelings are yours and yours alone and what you do with them will determine your life for a long time.

All the best to you.

PS. I also feel resistant to my therapist and was using this technique for myself. Why am I resistant, because I was resistant to my mother as I got older so she does not take over my agency! I just switched the feeling from the therapist to my own life...I am working through this.
 
@grit I’m not sure if you’re aware but you’re replying to an old thread and a member who has since been banned. Given this, they’re are unlikely to read your reply, and won’t be able to respond. I didn’t want you thinking you were being ignored if you received no response.
 
@grit I’m not sure if you’re aware but you’re replying to an old thread and a...
ooh

Thank you so much for letting me know. I was not expecting a reply and I am fairly new to the site so I did not notice the banning (did nt think of it as banning) and did not know you can be banned.

Thanks again for letting me know.
 
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