Suicidal and trying to manage

Empty Shell

Confident
I don’t know how to use this site. I’m desperate to talk with someone - but more desperate for someone to be here with me to SHOW ME how to do things. Like understand SSA which just admitted they “strong armed” me into filing early. I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship beyond belief. I mean how can your husband use his bellowing voice to yell over you, tell you you’ve gone downhill in the last couple years, tell you you’re selfish, doesn’t trust you, can’t even wake you up to go to bed at night because he’s offended you’ve gone to sleep on the sofa while watching a show - and then start talking like nothing has gone on? Like things are normal? Things aren’t normal. He’s mean and abusive. It’s his way or the highway - his own words - and I don’t know how I could possibly afford to support myself.

There is much more going on, but I just don’t know how to handle it all. Suicide thoughts come often and are a comfort. It’s a comfort to know I could leave this mess of a life behind. Total failure. I’ve been a failure as a mom and that hurts the most.

Too many bad memories. If I’ve enjoyed my life at all, at any time, the good memories are few and overshadowed by the bad. I’ve had PTSD and depression since 5 years old.

It’s finally nice out for the day in so long and I have no desire to go out and tend my plants that used to be the world to me. I don’t care anymore.

I’m just venting. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I hate my life and think I’m beyond any happiness. I pretty much trust no one any longer.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
It’s finally nice out for the day in so long and I have no desire to go out and tend my plants that used to be the world to me. I don’t care anymore.
Hey I've been where you're at. It's such a low place. I hear you. I'm sorry it's so difficult right now. Is there some place you can go to clear your head?
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Empty Shell . I am so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds overwhelming. It's no wonder you are needing somebody to speak to. I have a few ideas if you are open to them.

The name of this game, as I know it, is knowing resources that are available to you. Whether you are in an urban area or a rural area, there may be options available to you.

First and foremost, look for a crisis line so that you have a phone number to call when you feel a need to connect to people.

If there is a local women's network that might be a good place to start to look into future possibilities. Retraining, social connection with people in the same situation, counseling, financial resources - these are all possibilities with women's network agencies. They will most likely have (or know of) a help/crisis line that you can pick up and call and they will know the challenges you are facing and perhaps have faced them themselves.

So many times when people are facing these types of hardships it is because it feels like nobody else is in this situation. Like nobody else can relate. There are a lot of us out there. You did a great thing in reaching out here! My heart is with you.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
There are a lot of us out there.
Here’s another one 🙋‍♀️. I agree about the resources and crisis line. Sounds like you’re exhausted and who could blame you?
I’ve been a failure as a mom and that hurts the most.
I understand this. I was married to a narcissist for 15 years and we had three kids. After I got away it was my shortcomings as a mom that gave me the most shame but you know what? *Anyone* would be challenged to provide for and protect their kids in a living situation like that—how can you when so much of your energy goes into appeasing, calming, and and giving attention to someone who is the biggest baby in the house?

You are finding your way by coming here. Keep going and keep documenting your progress.
 
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