Suicidal but not depressed?

NoWhereKnowWhere

MyPTSD Pro
So I recently had quite a bad depressive episode. Quite suicidal and unsafe feeling. I had gotten quite bad went to the doctor was referred to CPN(community psychiatric nurse) for evaluation. The CPN then refers me to a psychiatrist. I’m still waiting for that appointment that was early December. The nhs is so underfunded, you know I was brutally honest about being actively suicidal. A couple of times I took diazepam double doses and went to bed just to stay alive.

So now I’m out the other side of the depression I felt quite good? Can’t believe it the episode lasted 2/3 months. Now I don’t feel depressed well not in comparison to how I had felt. Anxious as usual dreams have been bad lately again. I am really struggling with sleep atm. Famine after the depression feast. I’m scared to sleep cause of the dreams. Just the usual ptsd shit.

This is something I can’t remember from before the depressive episode. Suicidal thoughts yes ok fine I’ve been thinking of suicide for as long as I can remember it’s a maladaptive coping technique. This is different than that. This is depression suicidal without the depression? Having intrusive suicidal thoughts (don’t get me wrong a change is as good as a holiday) but the trauma intrusive thoughts are still there.

I am really having to stop myself buying things from amazon to make plans possible. I just can’t stop thinking about it. Trying to get out of my mind go for a walk. *my brain* “walk into on coming traffic”

Is this just entrenched thinking patterns from a bad depression. Like a hangover?

Like I dunno, I’m not hopeless and in the depths of despair, but I’m ready to bail on on life.
 

Friday

Moderator
Depression is a brand spanking new thing to me in the past couple of years.

Prior to that? I spent years suicidal, without being depressed.

((And also about 6 months being hormonally suicidal. Which was quirky. Because I was absolutely fine, and then within a space of about 90 seconds would flip like a switch to being fiercely suicidal for the next few hours, and then it would simply drain away in seconds, again. Like I said, quirky. But a useful thing to have lived through because it was so predictable. ))

Which was a problem, being suicidal without being depressed, because I had energy in spades.

An up shot of depression? Is that my understanding for most people is that it looks like this:
>>>> U <<<<
That’s line is where most people get suicidal. But at that point? On the way down they pass through it so quickly that they spend most of their time depressed without enough energy to kill themselves. It’s on the way back UP that things get dangerous, because now they’ve got the energy to act on their feelings. It’s also heartbreaking, because it means things are usually getting better for them.

It took me years and years to learn that just because I wanted to die, didn’t mean I had to act on it. I’m not quite bright, sometimes. I was also very, very... feral...during those years. I was living on instinct / did what I wanted, when I wanted, how I wanted. With little to no regard as to the future/consequences/etc. I slept when I was tired, I ate when I was hungry, I had sex when I wanted to have sex, I fought when I wanted to fight, and I tried to get myself killed when I wanted to die / had absolutely no regard for my own life. There was virtually no pause -or very rarely any pause- between ANY impulse and action. I wanted something? I set myself at it. Full stop. So I’m sorry to say that those years I survived purely on luck, rather than any kind of skill. I should’ve been dead a thousand times over. But, for whatever reason, sometimes I can walk through the raindrops and not get wet. It was annoying at the time. But it -eventually- gave me the roadmap I still use when I get suicidal. DELAYING ACTION = 80% of that. Buy myself enough time to pull my head out of my ass. Because after years of trying to die? I woke up one morning and was done with that. And the very best part of my life came after. Not immediately after, we’re not talking brass rings and shit. We’re simply talking about something I could have never imagined during the years I was acting on impulse. Seriously. Couldn’t even imagine it, much less want it, or know to want it / work for it. I’ve been various degrees of suicidal again, for the past several years. With the addition of depression :wtf: Which f*cking sucks. Depression can kiss my ass. But as far as being suicidal &/or dealing with ideation? Eh. I’m used to it. And I can ignore it. I might want to die, but I also want a 1.4million dollar sailboat. Just because I want something doesn’t mean I have to make it happen. If I’m going to get stubborn about making something happen? Refusing to die, this f*cked up, and that boat are waaaaay higher up the list.
 

NoWhereKnowWhere

MyPTSD Pro
Prior to that? I spent years suicidal, without being depressed.

That’s interesting, I feel like it’s a spectrum for me. Like I get suicidal, but not depressed suicidal when not depressed. I know the on the way out of a depression suicidal with energy and intent. I can kinda plan for that or cbt my way out of it.

being suicidal without being depressed, because I had energy in spades.

Yeah it’s like the way out of a depression suicidal but without an expiration date. How long will this last? f*ck knows, good luck.


But as far as being suicidal &/or dealing with ideation? Eh. I’m used to it. And I can ignore it.

See I used to think that, I’ve been here I know this. This just has a different texture I don’t know it’s hard to explain. I’ve been in inpatient and didn’t feel as *chuckles* “I’m in danger*.

I should go back to the doctor. f*ck sakes.

Thank you @Friday that was helpful.

Although I’m slightly blaming you for me coming to the blaring conclusion, if your life is in danger you should go to the doctor. It is now your fault I have to go to the doctor. ? I hope you’re happy with yourself ?
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
IDK which one is first, the chicken or the egg. It's not hurting that much, it hurts. The absence of a peculiar sort of anguish makes me think not suicidal. What do I want ? Nothing. Love works, it's plenty. I like boats. I watch a couple YouTube channels that show busy inlets with beautiful boats and girls in thongs. What's not to like? I live at the water. But I don't want to deal with it. I can deal with my wife and family barely. So I don't think about suicide but I do think about dying. I have a cancer thing going on. So it's like what if it's over? What if you didn't have to think about any of this anymore? I was at the pain clinic and saw the hand guy and he was examining my hands and calling out to the assistant who made notes and he said "atrophy.". I knew what that meant and where he was looking and i saw it too. Not happy.

So I can still put Band-Aids on it for now it's still working. I try and meditate, diet is good house is clean I'm thin and I like sex. Why be depressed? Same reasons I've always been I guess.
 
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