Suicidal feelings came back w a vengeance

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Kopykat

MyPTSD Pro
I had surgery on my arm last Thursday in 3 places and I was anxious before surgery, this is still from the work comp injury over a year and a half ago now. I know anesthesia has messed w me a bit before but all week I’ve felt super hopeless and depressed. I’m supposed to be resting and recovering and problems just keep piling on, I lost my unemployment, my work comp case is getting delayed, I have absolutely no income and am not released medically to work especially since I just had shoulder, elbow and hand surgery. I’ve asked friends and family but they’re tapped out. I feel hopeless and then it started slow and then the suicidal thoughts just started pouring in to the point I don’t even want to go to therapy anymore bc I feel stuck in my situation. I spent a better part of last week calling agencies and the state I live in for assistance until either disability or work comp kicks in and the lady on the phone legit said “ma’am illinois is broke, we don’t have a lot of programs anymore.” I just feel trapped and like now it’s my only way out. I’m tired of all the crap and talking about it. I can’t work, I have no money and I have no help I just feel it’d be financially more responsible to die. I’d go to the hospital but that’s another bill I can’t afford and nothing will have changed when I get out/ there’s nothing I can change. I don’t know if I have to do rehab or what. I don’t know. I just feel hopeless.
 

Freida

Sponsor
Call your doctor - you could still be having a reaction to the anesthesia. Don't give up .....things will get better. After you call your doctor call your T and let her know what is going on. It could be that the surgery is messing with your head more than you realize because its a type of trauma
 

Kopykat

MyPTSD Pro
I see the surgeon tomorrow and after I rage quit therapy and my brother and friend yelled at me they talked to my therapist and are going to try to go to a session w me. I slept most of the day. My brother mentioned it could be the Vicodin too bc I don’t tolerate pain meds well even if I need them. I think I just finally snapped.
 

jmad

Learning
I am sorry you're going through this. I know it doesn't feel this way now, but it will get better. It's good to hear you're going back to see your therapist.
 

Freida

Sponsor
yea - pain meds can have some really weird side effects. Glad the family and friends were there to help (ehummm..boss you around)!
 

Kopykat

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah they’re not...always tactful. The doctor today said the anesthesia could have caused an increase in symptoms of depression. However my therapist and family also have said I’ve been under a severe amount of stress for the last year and a half and they don’t know how I’m functioning so it makes sense to have a freak out. I’m not sure if that’s comforting or what I’m supposed to say when people tell me that stuff.

I see the psychiatrist in about a month. Until then I’m going to try to exercise more and maybe start painting again. I have a lot of pent up emotions that I just need to get out and I let them keep building. I guess I feel guilty bc everyone has had to put up w me the past year and a half since I got injured at work so I stopped talking about stuff so much. Not that I was super chatty about my problems in the first place. Feel like a burden being injured w no job and not knowing when I’ll be able to work again or disability will kick in. It’s just been a lot.
 
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