Suicidal ideation support needed

[pleasehelp]

Hi so. i hope this doesnt break any rules about the site.

so. quick tldr i am an abuse survivor with cptsd, i was a victim of csa by my progenitor when i was about 8 years old, and while it stopped a few years later the harassment continued in some ways until i got to run away from that house at 19. i'm currently 20.

am also a suvivor of csa/grooming by the sibling of this person. happened since i was abt 13 or 14 and it stopped when i was about 16 due to me moving out of that house. should mention im also a child labor survivor from this same man.
however when i moved out with [progenitor mentioned above] she became violent, and there would be moments where i had to hide in my room because the agressivity meant my life was at threat. as you can imagine a lot of emotional abuse also went on and it left me severely traumatized

anyways. few months since i escaped, gladly theres a restraint order. living with a relative currently

however a few days ago i found out theyre still talking to the person my progenitor is married to, and it destroyed me emotionally. i've been depressed and have stopped being talkative towards the people i live with since i feel betrayed, but i'm also considering killing myself

i talked to my therapist a few days ago but i cant contact them now and have no way of reaching out. i don't want to reach out to my s/o since i worry it might trigger them, and don't feel confident in telling a friend because i dont feel we're close enough.
i've been checking out what things i could do the deed with, or if they'd work but currently i can't see anything that would help me cut it for good.

i'm really thinking of it, and the betrayal from the only person i THOUGHT i could trust in left me wanting to die every time i remember what my life has come to.

the only reason i'm reaching out is a friend told me to reconsider it, but other than that i feel done with being alive. please help. i don't know what to do anymore. every time i hear the voice of this person talking (since we live in this house) i just feel too much emotional stress and want to do it already

i should mention where i live there are no hotlines and no hospital support for suicidal people, the closest thing would be getting thrown into a psych ward and i definitely dont want that. i can't contact my therapist at the moment and i feel im losing control already

 

[Sideways]

Hi pleasehelp, welcome to the forum.

I'll start by steering you to our Community Constitution, which is the wrap on what this forum is (and isn't), and the (very few) rules we have for posting, because they're particularly relevant to your topic.

Please understand that this forum is not a crisis support forum.

With that out of the way? I've been somewhere similar to where you are emotionally right now. And I've reached out for support in a whole host of different ways, and yeah, they're often not crash hot. Ultimately, that's because this is about rock bottom, and there's no instant fix.

That said, there is a fix. You're newly out of a traumatic living situation that you were in for a reeeeally long time. That pain will take time to heal. But, now the you'vr had the courage and opportunity to start healing, and find a safe and meaningful life for yourself? Give it a chance. Give it some time. You're starting a brand new life for yourself, and yeah, you're starting from a place of incredible pain, but it won't always be like that.

Is there a reason specifically you can't reach out (eg by email) to your T?

I've gone the "get thrown in the psych ward" route (many, many times). There's no escaping that it's shit. But, it's relative. Life was shit, period. And it was temporary, and kept me alive when I couldn't.

Are you a student? Often there's a range of different student supports (from private counselling to quiet/safe rooms, to group support, etc) linked to tertiary education facilities.

Are you on medication? Even as a temporary measure, this might help make things a little easier. And may be available from your PCP.

Again, welcome, and I hope something in there is helpful. If only the part where someone heard you and understood.