Suicidal rage

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Curzone

Learning
I've just done it again. Pure uncontrollable, venom, suicidal rage. Thank god no one was around to witness it - wife and daughter are in Australia visiting family. Although I suspect the neighbours heard my screams - thank god they didn't call the police.

Put a knife to my throat. Don't know what stopped me from thrusting it in.

Things are getting worse. I was arrested and put in jail back in July for having a similar attack. Been law abiding all my life. Now I'm loosing control.

I don't know what to do. It's only a matter of time before I kill myself because of this shit. I'm in hell.
 

Curzone

Learning
Yeah. Been down for a couple of weeks. Not sleeping. Been watching movies all day trying to disascociate. But tonight I just snapped. Thought I had everything under control.
 

Stickler

MyPTSD Pro
...I don't know what it is you are furious at you for.

...What positive benefit is brought forth from your self hatred?
 

Curzone

Learning
Well, I sleep for a 4 or 5 hours on avarage, but thats kind of normal for me. I've been suffering from this for about 10 years. But only sought treatment 6 months ago. The psych diagnosed me with PTSD and prescribed Olanzapine about a month ago which knocked me out and stopped me from concentrating on my work.

So I took myself off them two weeks ago. I'm thinking now, that that was a bad thing to do.

Tonight is going to be a sleepless one though.
 

Curzone

Learning
Positive benefit? None. I don't know why I snapped. I seem to be loosing control. It doesn't make sense to me.
 

hodge

MyPTSD Pro
Curzone, I think you should go back on your med for now, at least maybe half a dose at a time. And schedule an appt. with your psych as soon as possible. Let him/her know what this med has done to you. They should definitely switch you to something else. If you can't get an appt. like in the next week, I think you should leave him/her the message about what has happened and that you need to switch to something else right away. This situation is not good. This is why clinics have crisis lines.
 

Stickler

MyPTSD Pro
Olanzapine is a pretty good med for some people; you may be on too much, or it may be too strong a med.
But ATM I would resume taking it, until you can see your doctor again.

If you did not try it for at least a month? I suggest giving it more time. A lot of psych meds gave me the stupids at first?
...and that wore off.

Please keep on posting. Better out than in.
 

Curzone

Learning
Cheers guys. I just need someone to talk to. And I appreciate the advise and support.

I’ve been separated since July - because I became verbally abusive to my wife. Which, I feel totally ashamed about… That’s why I got arrested.

Therefore I’ve been isolating myself ever since. Haven’t talked to friends or family. Lost my job two weeks ago - once again because of the meds. I wasn’t able to concentrate. Just feel it’s better if I stay out of everyones life.

Just starting to read up about PTSD… I don’t want to be the abusing spouse - screwing up my wife and daughters life. I don’t want to give them what I’ve got.

Moved out of the family home into a campervan. Been free camping in the forest and keeping out of everyones way. Just haven't been talking to anyone - my psych has pretty much been my only support.

I was taking 10mg of Olanzapine. I have an appointment next Tuesday… I’ll discuss reducing my dose.

I’m in a very dark place. I seem to be screwing everything up. I just need to get better for my daughter.
 

Stickler

MyPTSD Pro
Ok.
Verbal abuse is hard to get a handle on, but you are owning your own behavior and have the intent of changing.
THAT is actually big and important.
Non-governmental organizations (MIND is the biggest, but there are many similar ones ) will be more able to get you peer support. They may help you get therapy also.
As regards your arrest, if there were charges filed you may be ordered to take anger management classes...if you can access them, mandatory or not, get them.

Beating yourself up is NOT making amends for what you did. It is not fixing the problem. It is not preventing recurrence. It is merely hamstringing yourself.
Throw that energy into getting to the solution.
Get an anger management workbook. Learn emotional awareness. Work on getting therapy out of the system.
Forgive yourself? Not exactly. Self-flagellation hurts things, though. Break that off forcefully when you catch yourself at it.
 
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