• All donations and upgrades are manually verified and approved within 24hrs.
  • Upgrades are ongoing. Learn how to save your bookmarked posts.

Suicide the ultimate avoidance

osiris

MyPTSD Pro
Thread starter #1
Walking into two incredibly busy and stressful weeks at work.
Public presentations coming up and that means long hours and scrutiny. Made worse because my bully will be there, watching and commenting. My whole inner system is swirling in fear at the thought.
Now sat at work in my office considering options, and ending it seems the safest and easiest one. The bigggest stumbling block is finding the time with an expected 11pm finish tonight. I am already exhausted. Hanging on with the tips of my fingernails.
f*ck.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
#3
I've found lowering the advance / anticipation anxiety is often much bigger deal than the events I'm anxious about, so what allows you to not stress out about it and see it as just other 2 work weeks, stressful but that's it, not a game changer, much less the end of anything requiring drastic measures?

As the only thing that miight be an option quitting on is the *work*.

Not. Your life. Never your life.
Nothing is worth quitting life for.
Those problems come second to sort, or much lower than seconds, but life gets *kept.*

As to your bully?
That you even show up with all of their fires and vitriol directed at you so often is your victory. ;)
Not matter what they says or does, you already win by continuing to work. So they's just being a mean douchebag. Those suck, bad. But are not a show of your value, and that of your work... nor denigrating it.

What you do still matters & you do it well.

If something gets you considering suicide to deal with it?
Everything *else* in it needs a change up, or be quit upon.
Not your life.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#5
My son recently (Jan 12) finally accomplished ending his life. And not one thing, not one, couldn't have been fixed, altered, chosen differently or changed.

No, no quick fixes. This takes work and the payoffs are phenomenal. I have been where you are. Many of us here have been there and might be there now. But taking your life is not an answer either. Don't give up before something shifts.

It took time for me to understand that putting as much effort into living as I did thinking about ending it, was part of my answer.

Glad that you keep sharing. Wish my son had chosen that as an option.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
#6
Yeah, okay, so going to put layers & layers of bandages over that wound & keep the pressure until it's enough to stop the bleeding anyway.

So glad we're *not* at gunshot wounds now, but would bridge it if we were so no worries :sneaky:

You're alive, you're breathing, you're thinking, how is it too late?

No, I'm really interested, as in *what xactly* feels too late, and too late for what? (Decide differently? Avoid that work? Avoid the presentation? Avoid the bully?)

For all we know the bully will be home with the flu that day :sneaky: Or a roof falls on them. Or they walks into bad traffic. Gets a food poisoning. Stubs their toe to the point of not walking. Sprains their ankle. Gets a bad case of a coffee burn in the morning. Slips on a banana peel and bumps their head into a concussion.

... how's so many chances of things going wrong for the douche working, instead? :sneaky:
 

osiris

MyPTSD Pro
Thread starter #8
Yeah, okay, so going to put layers & layers of bandages over that wound & keep the pressure until it's enough to stop the bleeding anyway.

So glad we're *not* at gunshot wounds now, but would bridge it if we were so no worries :sneaky:
Bad analogy on my part considering what I'm talking about. No access to firearms so we're all good. I'm going to be a freaking mummy the number of bandages that are needed though.

You're alive, you're breathing, you're thinking, how is it too late?

No, I'm really interested, as in *what xactly* feels too late, and too late for what? (Decide differently? Avoid that work? Avoid the presentation? Avoid the bully?) :
Ok, so yes, alive, breathing, so not too late.
But how do I turn it around? That's what's too late. How do you tell people you've known for years that you've been lying and actually you're totally f*cked up and need help? Family are out. Best friend died two years ago and they never even knew me. So too late for everything maybe. How do you change a lifetime of knowing no-one would miss you if you were gone, knowing their lives would be better if you'd never existed? Hiding away and pretending like you deserve a freaking oscar for best performance every day?
I told my direct boss things were a *bit* difficult. His response was that he would support me if needs be, but then went on to say how he needed my skills at the moment because of what has to be done. I'm not feeling like avoiding the work or the presentation is an option. Unless I totally take myself out of the equation.
So now I'm drinking coffee and avoiding going for lunch. Avoiding people. Headbuds in and solidly ignoring everyone, slowly going mad.

For all we know the bully will be home with the flu that day :sneaky: Or a roof falls on them. Or they walks into bad traffic. Gets a food poisoning. Stubs their toe to the point of not walking. Sprains their ankle. Gets a bad case of a coffee burn in the morning. Slips on a banana peel and bumps their head into a concussion.

... how's so many chances of things going wrong for the douche working, instead? :sneaky:
:roflmao:
How did you do that and make me laugh in the middle of all this hell?? Much needed smile.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
#9
You don't need to tell you lied...
Because you haven't. :sneaky:

Hiding your issues isn't deception, nor lies, nor f*cked up. Sad, sure, that you had to, but also strong and committed and trying to protect, self and others.

So 'only' the need to ask for help part. There, there, legit ridiculously hard one.

I'm sorry for your losses, that sounds just rough. Pretty sudden and all at once, too.

I think it ain't true no one would miss you... ;) I mean, even the boss said he would miss you. True, in a bull in a China shop way, so it sounds it came out dismissive, but he said you are valuable, skilled, appreciated and important to both him and the organization. ;)

Glad for the laugh. ;) I do that, say stupid shit and people laugh. Or get mad. Much happier if they laugh. :whistling:
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#10
@osiris, you were not being insensitive!!! You are asking for help and I praised you for that.

Each of us here is responsible for what we take from a post. I was wishing my son had been as brave as what you are being to tell people how you are feeling. That you do not know what to do next. That is brave!!!

Don't apologize for being scared and feeling hopeless.

And I can promise you, someone or many someones would miss you if you weren't here. I shared because I wanted you to know that sharing about how you are feeling is important. And many people here, myself included, want you to know there are other choices.

You do not have to tell anyone anything. It's none of their business and you have to do what you have to do for your life.

You are not alone. There are many people here that understand how you are feeling. I do too.

I hope you can find a therapist to start your healing journey. You are worth the work involved. You do not have to believe that to start the journey. We are here for you.

I would have given anything for my son to have reached out like you are doing. If for no other reason than to know he was not alone and there are other ways to deal with these feelings. We have all been where you are.

I appreciate that you are sharing. It gives me hope for others. It gives me hope for you!!
 

osiris

MyPTSD Pro
Thread starter #12
I am so tired. Just breathing seems to be a struggle. Still at least two hours of work left and I am losing it. I keep crying.
Feel like a complete pain in the butt too as all I seem to have done today is post and complain. I just want to slap myself for the ridiculousness of it all.
Sorry.
I wish there were someone I could go to but I feel so alone. Therapy is all well and good but the inbetweentimes are so lonely.
 
Top Bottom