ThorDogofThunder
New Here
Hello,
First, I have to say how grateful I am to have found this forum. I've been in an on again/off again relationship with a C-PTSD sufferer for almost 3 years. Well, actually we dated 25 years ago. It was very intense. He felt like the love of my life. At that time, he hadn't come to terms with his violent childhood (dad was a spouse abuser, mother used him as a faux-spouse practically from birth) and so one day he just broke up with me. It broke my heart but, long story shorter, two years later I was married to someone else.
Fast-forward to three years ago, my marriage ended and I looked him up and found him. Got in touch and we immediately reconnected. Very intense and passionate and, "Oh my God, we get another chance!" This time, he had a notion of his relationship patterns (at 48 he'd never been married, no kids, and all relationships had ended with him essentially bolting) and seemed very willing to learn to break that pattern.
So... we were together for 6 lovely months before he left. We stayed in touch, and I did research. I read about commitmentphobia which led me to read about mother-enmeshment which led me to read about children of domestic violence which, ultimately, led me to C-PTSD and to this forum. I shared ALL the information with him and he was utterly grateful. It was like a revelation to NAME the things he'd been dealing with for so long.
Unfortunately, it didn't help him stick to our relationship, and now we've gone through the romantic-breakup-friends-romantic-breakup-friends cycle about 5 times over the last three years. My friends and family are THOROUGHLY at their wit's end, and can't believe I put up with this, so I don't talk to them about it anymore. This last time we got back together (as always, at HIS suggestion) was just before Christmas. We talked about ways to make it different and easier. I thought it would be different. But in the last couple of weeks he's isolated again, and now wants to "just be friends." I'm a writer, so I write. I wrote this (below) and plan to give it to him. I'd be grateful for any opinions on how this might go over from sufferers or supporters with experience. I love this guy so much. Really. :( I know you can all understand.
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Dear X,
First, you need to know I can take care of myself. I don't need you to "protect" me from your issues or your ways of dealing with emotions or relationships. I can manage myself. If there's any part of you that feels pressure to get away from me so as not to "burden" me with this, well, forget it. I knew going in that this might happen, and I can handle it. It's only a small piece of the puzzle for me, and it's worth it—you are a package deal that includes your wonderfulness AND your imperfections—just as I am an imperfect package. We all are. I see beauty and value in all of your parts, and I'm tougher than I seem sometimes. Sure, I might feel hurt or sad when you isolate. I might text or say something that seems insensitive because of that hurt, but I get over it. Ups and downs and disagreements are a fully normal part of all human relationships. They’re not fun, but they’re also not the end of the world.
I'm fine with letting you have space to deal with your anxiety on your own. I acknowledge that this is a hard journey for you, maybe even one that feels impossible sometimes. My feeling is that you've hit this same wall with me so many times, that maybe if you rode it out this time, and sat with the discomfort and went THROUGH it, allowed the tide of anxiety to pull back out—as it surely will—that maybe you'd end up in a new and different place on the other side. Patti Henry (and the others) suggest similarly.
There are two ways to end the cycle—ride it out and see if your feelings change back to the romantic (as they have every other time) once the anxiety diminishes, or break up. Every other time we've broken up we've found our way back to a romantic relationship because YOU'VE suggested it, which, I have to assume, means that each time you actually wanted to restart that kind of relationship with me.
I can't make you stay with me. I can only remind you that you've cycled through this so many times and I’m still here. I haven’t abandoned you or been broken by the pattern. I’ve survived, and so have you, and we’ve come a long way. We’re in this together, as I see it, so why not try something new this time? Let’s hit pause instead of game over. Let’s both breathe through the anxiety this causes and see if there's a different kind of light after the pain, at the end of the tunnel than any light we’ve seen before. I want to be your partner in the good and the bad. I aim to earn your trust so that, eventually, you’ll let me share your burdens and you’ll have the bandwidth to share mine. But that is not NOW. We’re working towards that.
Have you heard of the C-PTSD “stress cup” theory? We all have a stress cup that good and bad stressors and regular daily life stresses go into. C-PTSD is already taking up a lot of room in your cup, so you have less space for the other stressors, both negative (your work, your house, your recent sickness) AND the positive (ME! Haha). So your cup is bursting over right now, and you need room to let it empty a bit. So take the room.
You are stronger than you think you are. I have faith in your strength. You can do this. It's hard and it hurts and it’s terrifying. I really DO understand that. But you are worthy and wonderful, and you deserve love. In your darker moments, you may think you don't, but you do. I do think it would be a little easier if you had a good therapist, but that’s for you to decide about. Meanwhile, I am still ME—someone who loves you and wants you to feel safe; someone who shares your values and has common interests. We have a lot of fun together; we have an excellent base of friendship. The stress and anxiety are coloring everything you look at right now. But they won't last forever. I don't know if having my opinions and my encouragement to work through this period is helpful, or if you'll see it as me manipulating you or angling for what I want. It's not the latter. I don’t want to be with you if you have no interest in being with me. I'm willing to let you go if that's what you REALLY want.
But there are other options. This time, when we got back together, you suggested we talk about expectations and triggers and we never had that talk. Nor did we try the writing thing, where you write what you want in a shared journal as a way of helping advocate for yourself through your fear of upsetting me. If we did that, I could write back, as that’s easier for me, and in that way, we might communicate the important things more easily. We haven’t tried those new strategies yet; we just walked the same road we always have, and there are other paths we can try.
I don't think I can go back to being friends this time. There's too much water under the bridge. I could NOT watch you with some other woman. I just couldn't. I can't turn my feelings off, and I'd end up holding a torch for you and not meeting another man. The very day you suggested we get back together this time around; I was going to tell you that I couldn't do the platonic/ unrequited thing anymore. I think I'm going to need to jump off the carousel permanently if that's your decision.
Anyway, I guess that's all I can say. If you want to talk, let me know. I'm here for you. But if you want to take some days to consider and breathe and tackle the stress on your own and get perspective, do that, ok? I’ll be here when and if you come back. I won’t wait forever without communication, but I’m happy to put this on ice for a while if that’ll help.
Love (really),
Me xo
First, I have to say how grateful I am to have found this forum. I've been in an on again/off again relationship with a C-PTSD sufferer for almost 3 years. Well, actually we dated 25 years ago. It was very intense. He felt like the love of my life. At that time, he hadn't come to terms with his violent childhood (dad was a spouse abuser, mother used him as a faux-spouse practically from birth) and so one day he just broke up with me. It broke my heart but, long story shorter, two years later I was married to someone else.
Fast-forward to three years ago, my marriage ended and I looked him up and found him. Got in touch and we immediately reconnected. Very intense and passionate and, "Oh my God, we get another chance!" This time, he had a notion of his relationship patterns (at 48 he'd never been married, no kids, and all relationships had ended with him essentially bolting) and seemed very willing to learn to break that pattern.
So... we were together for 6 lovely months before he left. We stayed in touch, and I did research. I read about commitmentphobia which led me to read about mother-enmeshment which led me to read about children of domestic violence which, ultimately, led me to C-PTSD and to this forum. I shared ALL the information with him and he was utterly grateful. It was like a revelation to NAME the things he'd been dealing with for so long.
Unfortunately, it didn't help him stick to our relationship, and now we've gone through the romantic-breakup-friends-romantic-breakup-friends cycle about 5 times over the last three years. My friends and family are THOROUGHLY at their wit's end, and can't believe I put up with this, so I don't talk to them about it anymore. This last time we got back together (as always, at HIS suggestion) was just before Christmas. We talked about ways to make it different and easier. I thought it would be different. But in the last couple of weeks he's isolated again, and now wants to "just be friends." I'm a writer, so I write. I wrote this (below) and plan to give it to him. I'd be grateful for any opinions on how this might go over from sufferers or supporters with experience. I love this guy so much. Really. :( I know you can all understand.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear X,
First, you need to know I can take care of myself. I don't need you to "protect" me from your issues or your ways of dealing with emotions or relationships. I can manage myself. If there's any part of you that feels pressure to get away from me so as not to "burden" me with this, well, forget it. I knew going in that this might happen, and I can handle it. It's only a small piece of the puzzle for me, and it's worth it—you are a package deal that includes your wonderfulness AND your imperfections—just as I am an imperfect package. We all are. I see beauty and value in all of your parts, and I'm tougher than I seem sometimes. Sure, I might feel hurt or sad when you isolate. I might text or say something that seems insensitive because of that hurt, but I get over it. Ups and downs and disagreements are a fully normal part of all human relationships. They’re not fun, but they’re also not the end of the world.
I'm fine with letting you have space to deal with your anxiety on your own. I acknowledge that this is a hard journey for you, maybe even one that feels impossible sometimes. My feeling is that you've hit this same wall with me so many times, that maybe if you rode it out this time, and sat with the discomfort and went THROUGH it, allowed the tide of anxiety to pull back out—as it surely will—that maybe you'd end up in a new and different place on the other side. Patti Henry (and the others) suggest similarly.
There are two ways to end the cycle—ride it out and see if your feelings change back to the romantic (as they have every other time) once the anxiety diminishes, or break up. Every other time we've broken up we've found our way back to a romantic relationship because YOU'VE suggested it, which, I have to assume, means that each time you actually wanted to restart that kind of relationship with me.
I can't make you stay with me. I can only remind you that you've cycled through this so many times and I’m still here. I haven’t abandoned you or been broken by the pattern. I’ve survived, and so have you, and we’ve come a long way. We’re in this together, as I see it, so why not try something new this time? Let’s hit pause instead of game over. Let’s both breathe through the anxiety this causes and see if there's a different kind of light after the pain, at the end of the tunnel than any light we’ve seen before. I want to be your partner in the good and the bad. I aim to earn your trust so that, eventually, you’ll let me share your burdens and you’ll have the bandwidth to share mine. But that is not NOW. We’re working towards that.
Have you heard of the C-PTSD “stress cup” theory? We all have a stress cup that good and bad stressors and regular daily life stresses go into. C-PTSD is already taking up a lot of room in your cup, so you have less space for the other stressors, both negative (your work, your house, your recent sickness) AND the positive (ME! Haha). So your cup is bursting over right now, and you need room to let it empty a bit. So take the room.
You are stronger than you think you are. I have faith in your strength. You can do this. It's hard and it hurts and it’s terrifying. I really DO understand that. But you are worthy and wonderful, and you deserve love. In your darker moments, you may think you don't, but you do. I do think it would be a little easier if you had a good therapist, but that’s for you to decide about. Meanwhile, I am still ME—someone who loves you and wants you to feel safe; someone who shares your values and has common interests. We have a lot of fun together; we have an excellent base of friendship. The stress and anxiety are coloring everything you look at right now. But they won't last forever. I don't know if having my opinions and my encouragement to work through this period is helpful, or if you'll see it as me manipulating you or angling for what I want. It's not the latter. I don’t want to be with you if you have no interest in being with me. I'm willing to let you go if that's what you REALLY want.
But there are other options. This time, when we got back together, you suggested we talk about expectations and triggers and we never had that talk. Nor did we try the writing thing, where you write what you want in a shared journal as a way of helping advocate for yourself through your fear of upsetting me. If we did that, I could write back, as that’s easier for me, and in that way, we might communicate the important things more easily. We haven’t tried those new strategies yet; we just walked the same road we always have, and there are other paths we can try.
I don't think I can go back to being friends this time. There's too much water under the bridge. I could NOT watch you with some other woman. I just couldn't. I can't turn my feelings off, and I'd end up holding a torch for you and not meeting another man. The very day you suggested we get back together this time around; I was going to tell you that I couldn't do the platonic/ unrequited thing anymore. I think I'm going to need to jump off the carousel permanently if that's your decision.
Anyway, I guess that's all I can say. If you want to talk, let me know. I'm here for you. But if you want to take some days to consider and breathe and tackle the stress on your own and get perspective, do that, ok? I’ll be here when and if you come back. I won’t wait forever without communication, but I’m happy to put this on ice for a while if that’ll help.
Love (really),
Me xo
