Surprised by wanting to isolate

[Hulda]

There is a woman I recently met in a group I belong to. Everything in me the last two times I met her reads “ danger”. I am to attend this group tomorrow and everything within me wants to cancel and isolate so I don’t have to interact with her. She triggers my fear and anxiety. How do I protect myself in this situation. The word recoil comes to mind. I am not sure if she reminds me of someone in my past or what is going on.

 

[Charbella]

What do you mean by group? Therapy? Friendship? Work?

the easy answer is ask her to please leave you alone but that’s easier said than done. Therapy group, I’d ask the coordinators to help me. Friendship, I’d assume you have friends within it and not leave their side. Work? Find an ally and avoid her.

of course if you aren’t up to finding away around her, I’d avoid going. Avoidance doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It when you let it run your life that it’s bad.

 

[Hulda]

What do you mean by group? Therapy? Friendship? Work?

the easy answer is ask her to please leave you alone but that’s easier said than done. Therapy group, I’d ask the coordinators to help me. Friendship, I’d assume you have friends within it and not leave their side. Work? Find an ally and avoid her.

of course if you aren’t up to finding away around her, I’d avoid going. Avoidance doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It when you let it run your life that it’s bad.

Friendship group.

 

[Sideways]

How do I protect myself in this situation.

Depends.

If you’re protecting yourself from a person who has done things that warrant ‘protection’, I’d personally not go near them unless there is a group of people present, and I’d limit my interactions with them to those that occur as a group. For example, I wouldn’t engage in private texting or social media stuff.

If I’m feeling the need to ‘protect’ myself because, through no fault of her own, she’s triggered me? Then I’d be trying to work through the trigger itself.

For example, I have an issue with old men with beards. Not because there’s anything wrong with being male, old, or hairy - it’s a trigger. So, I’m pulling out my grounding exercises, my self-soothing, and general stress-cup reduction stuff to handle folks like that in the moment, until I have a better handle on that trigger.

If an old bearded guy says something sexually inappropriate to me and makes me feel unsafe, that’s different. That’s almost all him. And I ain’t going near that unless I’m surrounded by safe people.

 

[EveHarrington]

I take it she is more like a friend of a friend?

 

[Hulda]

Sideways, thank you. I am going and all of you have been encouraging. Great suggestions. I know how to work with triggers but once in awhile I am surprised by them and need to really have a plan of action. I agree with Charbella there is a time to not attend. Limiting my interaction works. There are enough of us to make that possible. Thank you to both of you. Going in freedom and a little what if

 

[Montbeliard]

Phew, I can't wait to hear how it went!

 

[Tinyflame]

You have recieved great direction. I just try to seperate triggers and weigh what I know as objectively as possible (eg how does this person act or treat me when there are no witnesses, and what do I see them doing in general that seems contrived vs genuine. Which may or may not affect me directly but affects how I view their possible intentions or mindset). Also, I can't help being attuned to micro-expressions or reactions. They may be accurate, they may reflect something else (though I've accurately witnessed them, that is just a survival skill and also life experience). Also what is my mind set? Has something unrelated put doubt or fear in my heart? What is weighing heavily on me/ my focus?

I'm not sure if it happens with men-to-men but it can happen a lot with women-to-women, and with people who gossip or who have a different agenda. People also assume very innacurately, as I can if I let myself (the grass is greener syndrome, or FOMO). I've found people are oddly drawn to making their life more interesting with gossip, or need attention often I don't want (I want safety), or are in different stages of distraction or trauma re-enactments or sometimes mindsets out of boredom or avoiding their own problems and stressors. I am very private also and many aren't.

At the end of the day I stick with or near who I trust and remember who I don't because of why. Or realize we do not have a lot in common/ aren't a good fit.

I find the hardest part is not feeling scared of people who deserve trust but trust people who I have been given reason not to (not just triggered), for me to not paint them with the same brush. But that is unfair, partially or wholly. But it still makes me nervous/ I feel doubt and fear.

I genuinely trust very few but often was inclined to trust those from the get-go, even despite myself. But I've still found very few who deserve that trust accurately, are safe to be with. I really don't feel confident with show/ charm/ anything that seems or looks 'off' or an act, since I've seen that reflect what I feared. I feel better avoiding that or taking it with a grain of salt. Their stuff is not my business but my safety and peace of mind is.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@Maximus - please log in to your account to post.

 

[Hulda]

I take it she is more like a friend of a friend?

Yes, exactly.

 

[Hulda]

Phew, I can't wait to hear how it went!

The night before I remembered a poem I heard as a child. They drew a circle that shut me out ,but love and I had wit to win. I drew a circle That brought them in This is certainly applicable to this specific situation. I think the comments were right on. It was her birthday and I am a watercolorist and gave her one of my cards with a wish. She was amazed. She is very young and I thought she was older. She was more intimidated by me. My CPTSD in this instance was in full throttle. I hate this condition but realized my perceptions were part of it. I am glad I went and confronted the fear. To reiterate. This would not work in all triggered situations …just an inner voice.

 

[hotmess]

There is a woman I recently met in a group I belong to. Everything in me the last two times I met her reads “ danger”. I am to attend this group tomorrow and everything within me wants to cancel and isolate so I don’t have to interact with her. She triggers my fear and anxiety. How do I protect myself in this situation. The word recoil comes to mind. I am not sure if she reminds me of someone in my past or what is going on.

I used to trust my instincts but now I'm not sure. Maybe avoid her as much as possible. Idk about you, but freaking out in a group is a fear of mine. I'm definitely a fight, not flight or freeze person, and I get really angry. It's so embarrassing that I try to stay out of social situations as much as possible. People are scary and I'm very careful of who I associate with because I need to be.
It's a catch 22 for many of us because we don't want to slide completely into isolation, but we also can't tolerate a lot of people.
I hope you can find a way to be comfortable.