Survival Sex

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mytai

MyPTSD Pro
For those that don't know what Survival Sex is here is a link to give a brief idea of what it means: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survival_sex

I'm not proud, I'm scared, but I'm also desperate. Some of you are familiar with my past from previous posts a year ago or so, and some more recent events. I lost a high paying job due to an assault, as a result I lost my car. I'm currently trying to catch up on months of delinquent bills as a result of the job loss. I got a call today from the bank who my car loan was through, apparently I was misinformed from the "repo" guy. My car loan was not taken car of because my car was repossessed, only the amount they sold my car for was paid off. I have a HUGE amount to pay back now, on top of all my regular bills and other bills I'm paying down. Two things went through my mind, I went instantly to suicidal mode because HOW am I supposed to live (pay normal everyday bills, rent, hydro, etc.) plus pay down bills I was aware of, and pay off this new amount that was brought to my attention? Next thing that went through my head is, I'm going to have to sell my body to bring this down to a manageable amount. There is an escort agency in my city - I applied to them, I'm not proud of it... very ashamed that I did this. I did this in hopes of having a "safer" way to sell myself through their protection. In the end, if they don't "hire" me I will have to resort to doing it myself and hope I don't get hurt.

I'm scared that they won't hire me because of the scars on my body. Who wants to pay an escort service for damaged goods? I have scars on my arm (one very prominent one), and at least one more unsightly scar that was done to me. Hoping they contact me to hire me so I have protection through them, sounds stupid for me to say this but they provide health benefits and condos to their "girls" so they aren't doing it out of their private residence. They also have strict rules for paying clients, and they don't post their girls faces on the website, or any distinguishing tattoos/birthmarks on the website to protect the girls privacy.

I can't tell T that this is what I think I need to do to recover from the financial loss I am going through/went through. It is survival sex, if I can't keep up on bills I will lose my housing, my credit will be further ruined, I won't be able to go to school to get a higher paying job that isn't in this industry. I have cut my expenses as much as humanly possible without starving myself.

Is there anyone on here that is going through this right now, or has done this in the past? I'm looking to hear from others who have needed to resort to this, or who are currently doing this to survive. I just want to have a discussion about it. Is there anyone out there or am I the only one? How did you feel/how do you feel?
 
D

Deleted member 1860

I haven't done that, but I am very concerned for you as you repeatedly encounter trauma after trauma after trauma. I've noticed your posts since you've joined and you continue to be retraumatized. I'm afraid that you're walking into yet another traumatic situation. I know this is going to be hard to hear because nobody wants to hear something like this, but I honestly do think that you are setting yourself up for re-traumatization.

Yes, losing everything sucks. Yes, bankruptcy sucks. Yes, it all around sucks. But I don't think this is a good route for you to go down. Well, I don't think its a good route for anyone to go down, but especially not you as you have had quite a few recent sexual traumas.

I'm not trying to be rude, but can you see how you are setting yourself up to be traumatized yet again? No, I am not victim blaming, but at the same time we each have a personal responsibility to keep ourselves safe, and you are not doing that.

Do you want to heal? I honestly don't get the feeling that you want to. I understand that losing everything is a horrible thing to happen, but I don't think that you realize just how high of a price you could possibly be paying by doing this survival sex thing.

There are other people on this forum who have been homeless. They have lived in shelters. And yes, one comes to mind.....She has recently turned it all around and got a place of her own and is doing much better.

Please don't go down this route. I'm all for a woman being able to do what she wants with her body, but I don't recommend it to someone who has been sexually traumatized, especially not so recently.
 

Friday

Moderator
It would be the smart thing for me to do. I have a very good friend who is a pro (and has been for about 20 years), and I could go work with her / through her agency any time I wanted. I've lived with her in the past, and it's been something I've seriously considered. The money would be very very good, the work something I would probably enjoy and most likely be good at, and the hours would be perfect (I could fly out to her city the weeks I don't have my son, and be a stay at home parent the weeks I do). The only other work I'm presently qualified for that would even come close to being as lucrative (military private contracting) is far more dangerous, doesn't pay as well, and the hours suck (gone for weeks/months at a time, at a minimum).

Sometimes I really kick myself in the ass for not having taken her up on it 3 years ago when I first got divorced. The lawyers I would have been able to afford in that income bracket would have far outweighed any possible stigma. I could be coming up on my first million this year, instead of struggling hand to mouth, with my house in foreclosure, my car wrecked (as in the engine is toast, and it's not worth fixing), have to cobble together my own pathetic excuse for legal work, etc.

It wouldn't be survival-sex for me, though. It would be a job. A lifestyle choice.

I've f*cked a few men who have mistaken me for a pro. No darlin, I let you pick me up in the hotel bar because you were interesting, not because it was my job to make you feel interesting. Have a good time in the city, my flight leaves in a few hours, I need to go pack now. Had a lovely night :). (The 'Wait. What??? You mean-' Look on their faces is something I've always wished I could kodak. Hehehe). And I've handed money back over a few times. Generally, I take it as a compliment. Wasn't trying to date these blokes. Just needed to get laid, and I always make sure everyone has fun. One of my favourite parts of sex, actually... Figuring out what people like. What turns them on. It's wicked fun. Whether it's a one time thing, or a long term relationship, both have their challenges in different ways.

The thing is, I'm not smart. I don't care enough about money, and lifestyle, and the house/car/credit-rating. I've been homeless, never traded sex for food/housing/rides/etc. Never dated someone for their money or lifestyle (including when I was dating "up" I don't give a good god damn about their station in life). And I care a little too much about sex. I've monetized hobbies in the past, and I've universally regretted it. It drives my girlfriend who is a pro absolutely insane. I get the same argument from her I get from my cop-friend who spent 10 years trying to get me to come work for him, too. Yes. They're both jobs I would probably do well at, because they're both about figuring people out on the fly, doing what's needed, & making people feel respected &/or motivating them towards a goal. Lol. Just in wildly different ways. It's still reading people. So they both would get mad at me. "You'd be good at this."

I respect both lines of work immensely. But I'm stubborn as blazes. I've seriously considered being a pro, a few times. And each time I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to. Making me do something I don't want to do? Generally needs firearms.

How about you? Is this something you really want to do? By titling it survival sex, it doesn't sound like it.
 
D

Deleted member 28986

Have you considered filing for bankruptcy? That will wipe out the balance on your car loan, as well as most all other debts. If you owe more than a certain amount (over $5000-15000), it can be a worthwhile option.

I am going through bankruptcy now.

You want to focus on your future, not continue to pay for the past.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
@Solara I see your point, I'm not able to file for bankruptcy as it would affect my ability to apply for funding for school. If that were not a factor I would seriously consider filing for bankruptcy and attempting to piece my credit back together. I see where you are coming from in regards to setting myself up to be retraumatized, I understand that I am risking this. Not that working for an agency eliminates risk, I'm not naive, I understand that there is still risk even if there is an agency watching out for you. I do want to heal, and with that there is a huge number of factors that go into being able to heal. I'm making progress with my T, and I've been working extremely hard with T in the last 5 months. A factor that goes into my ability to heal is to feel financially stable, that doesn't mean having excess money to spend as I please, what that means for me is to not have this large amount of debt hanging over my head constantly threatening to tear me down. Before comments are made by anyone about getting myself into this amount of debt I will address that - I was in a high paying job, and by taking on what I did at the time was not stretching myself thin, unfortunately I lost said job due to an assault and that is when the problems started. I never kept balances on credit cards, and was never late with payments, but being unemployed caused me to go into default with bills and in order to try and keep my basic needs met I put everything on my credit card.

I appreciate where you are coming from. I'm not making this choice lightly, I am doing it because I have exhausted all my other options up until this point - and I do work full time, but it isn't enough to recover from the financial losses I went through recently.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
How about you? Is this something you really want to do? By titling it survival sex, it doesn't sound like it.
Survival sex means that the reason for doing it is not just for the money, it's about providing for basic needs. In my case that is what it is, by providing myself with the money to get out of debt I won't lose safe housing, I will be able to feed myself, provide for my pets, and then move onto school. I don't want to do this for a long period of time. I only want to do it as long as it takes me to get out of my debt, and put a small amount away for any future emergencies so that this won't be a repeat situation.

Have you considered filing for bankruptcy? That will wipe out the balance on your car loan, as well as most all other debts. If you owe more than a certain amount (over $5000-15000), it can be a worthwhile option.
I have considered it, but it makes me ineligible for student loans. Even with my current debt situation and now poor credit rating I can still receive a student loan under special circumstance application. I don't want to ruin my future (going to school again) by taking this out. I'm ok needing to file if I can ensure that I will still be eligible for student loans, I meet Monday with the school to choose courses and talk to the financial aid office.

I guess I failed to mention this decision to pursue work at an escort agency is if I am told that by filing for bankruptcy that I will be ineligible for a student loan. I need to weigh the pros vs. cons of this. Emotionally it is likely to take a toll on me, but the emotional toll not being able to go to school (which will help secure a more stable job in the future) out weighs the emotional toll selling myself would take. One is temporary and I can work on through therapy, the other is not temporary - or will take a considerable amount of time longer to recover from.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
In my old line of work, I have talked with women who were doing this. I honestly briefly considered it myself when I was in dire financial straights.

Even when prostitution is a choice, it comes with a tremendous cost. It will change you. Period.

It pulls women into a world that is way more inhumane than I initially realized. It is surprisingly hard for many women to quit doing it, even when they know it is traumatizing them and deadening their emotions.

Many women engaged in prostitution actually start doing drugs to cope with the pain of the "job." That opens up a whole new set of problems.

If you are in as dire of financial straights as you are in, declaring bankruptcy will not likely change your ability much more than getting a car repossed.

You seem to be rennacting trauma a lot (which doesn't make it your fault but it is a pattern) and then you become sucidial over the trauma more and more and then you take action to end your life and damage your body and brain more... I don't think that engaging a profession you are scared of with a high risk of revictimuzation is your only way out.

I really hope you do tell your therapist about your dire circumstances and that you are thinking of engaging in high risk behavior out of desperation to pay the bills.

Please also consider talking to your schools financial aid office for suggestions. It may able be time to apply for disability (yes you can still go to school while on disability) and consider other options like bankruptcy to reorganize and lower your debt instead of risking all you have worked for by engaging in such risky behavior.

My heart goes out to you. :hug:
 
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scout86

MyPTSD Pro
Is there anyone on here that is going through this right now, or has done this in the past?
No, but the thought has wandered across my mind once or twice.

I, personally, couldn't do it. I have too many issues with trust, boundaries, and stuff like that. Just couldn't do it. I can see it as an option and can see how it could work for some people. It would take the right mind set though. I think you'd have to be able to look at it as a job that you were doing voluntarily. You'd have to be in a place where it wasn't going to mess with your self worth, and where you were confident and secure enough to you wouldn't let anyone take advantage of you. It could easily turn into "one more reason to beat yourself up" for some people. (Including me.)
I can't tell T that this is what I think I need to do to recover from the financial loss I
THAT might be a red flag. Can't tell her for what reason? If you REALLY think it's ok, it seems like you should be able to tell her.

I don't know anything about Canadian law. Here, a bankruptcy is on your record for, at most 7 years (I think). What you described with your car sounds like something I've heard here too. But I've also heard that there is discretion at the option of the lender and there's room for negotiation. What you're describing for the student loan situation is believable, but sort of contrary to the idea of helping people get the education they need so they can better themselves too. Here, some types of student loan debt are one of the few types of debt that survive a bankruptcy. As far as I know, in the US, that won't keep you from getting future student loans. Canada might be different, but I would think they'd be NICER in Canada!

You really ought to run all this by a lawyer. I know lawyers cost money and that's a problem too. But you should make very sure of your options before you go down a road as drastic as the one you're considering.
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
@Justmehere and @scout86 I don't know what the laws are regarding the escort agency, they blatantly advertise in the phone book and city newspaper - I wouldn't think that something they would be criminally charged with would outright advertise in the way they have. Their advertisements aren't deceiving in what services they are providing, they've also been in business for several years.

THAT might be a red flag. Can't tell her for what reason? If you REALLY think it's ok, it seems like you should be able to tell her.
I never said I thought it was ok, I said it feels like my only option at this point because I've exhausted all other resources.

Here, a bankruptcy is on your record for, at most 7 years (I think).
It is the same here too, it's on your credit history for 7 years before you can have it removed. However that's not the end of it, there is still a 2 or 3 year recovery period after that.

As far as I know, in the US, that won't keep you from getting future student loans. Canada might be different, but I would think they'd be NICER in Canada!
In Canada student loans from the government are different province to province. In my province it outright states on their website that you will be turned down after filing for bankruptcy, however they may loan money in special circumstances. I don't know if it is worth the risk, it would be nice to not have that financial burden on me any longer however I cannot risk my ability to go to school and better my life.

You seem driven to rennact trauma and then become sucidial over the consequences over and over.
What do you mean by this? If you are even suggesting that I have been at fault for past traumas then you need to back off, because I never sought out any of it. I didn't purposely put myself in situations where I had the potential to be hurt. As for the current situation of potentially choosing to work for an escort service, that isn't a drive to reenact trauma - I'm looking to dig myself out of a financial hole. I was fine working the way I am currently paying off the debts I knew about until the phone call today and realizing that I was misinformed and have a considerable amount more of debt than I was working to fix.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
No I never even remotely suggested you were at fault. Not one bit. However, many victims do unconsciously rennact trauma. It's like the abuswr woman who keeps going back to the boyfriend who abuses her. She is not at fault for getting abused whatsoever, but that doesn't mean she should keep going back to the environments where she is at high risk of being abused. Does that make more sense?
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
@Justmehere yes that makes more sense. I am aware of that happening with women/men who have been repeatedly abused. I don't think that is the case here because I am aware of the risks of doing this, I am aware of the emotional toll it could take on me, I'm just trying to make sure I can still go to school. I know it is possible that I could be hurt while doing this, I'm trying to find ways to minimize the risk, like going through an agency that has strict guidelines for clients when it comes to their "employees".

I was sexually assaulted in a job by a stranger that shouldn't have happened, the likelihood of it happening was slim (possible but slim). There is no "safe" job when it comes to that, although some do come with a higher potential for it to occur.

But like I said, I am looking into my other options first. Who knows, I may be able to file for bankruptcy and still be able to get the student loan.
 

illusionist

MyPTSD Pro
Yes I've done this....no money was exchanged, homeless and penniless in the winter months gave me no choice and the exchange of food and a roof over my head appealed to me more than being raped in a shop doorway...hungry and cold.

I write this with great shame, and much pain.....but if it gets a message across my slight torment is well worth it. I will say that I am not against prostitution...if it is a free choice. Being forced into it because the person has no other option?

I told myself it wasn't prostitution, I looked at it as an exchange of needs...a service for a service. I only did it twice, the second time made sure that I would rather starve, freeze to death, and take the risk of being raped. Once you are behind closed doors with that person you have no control whatsoever. Because you are so desperate you feel you have no choice...needs must. He seemed a nice guy, polite, respectable, good looking.....this is going to be so easy..I thought. Never have I been so wrong in my life! Vaginal rape I can handle...was used to it since the age of six.....this one didn't want that..he wanted anal..and he took it..over..and over...and over again. Now, in that situation you are at your lowest anyway...that's before you get yourself into the situation...that's the reason you're there. By the time he was done with me after a week...well you can imagine. It took me a while to get over that physically...mentally took a lot longer....and to this day I believe I deserved it because I put myself right into that situation...and nothing will ever change my mind on that, that's a fact....I put myself there. Please, please don't put yourself in that situation as our minds don't need the extra torment......find a safer way out of your debt....it is just not worth it.
 
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