I'm proud of you for doing the work here in the journal. I am hugging you and also want to say I am here. Right with you. A different trauma. But I understand you get exhausted. An exhaustion before trauma nobody besides trauma victims can understand. I am still learning why I am turning on myself. I don't know how to attach what I found online that might help you. An excerpt basically saying something like. We try to hide from ourselves. Which explains the turning on ourselves. We feel disconnected. But you my dear can and will pick up the pieces. Love to you.
I still struggle to see that worth sometimes, I'll admit it. I met someone just like him, just f*cking like him, and I felt it from the start. He had the same sleazy energy. I immediately recognized it. We were together for a little while but we did not end up dating for long enough for anything to escalate. But in the back of my mind, I felt it. The patterns repeated.. he was super nice at first, and we had so much in common... then came the arguments and the coldness and the withdrawal... I knew from the way he was speaking to me, I just knew he would end up hitting me one day. It starts with yelling and speaking recklessly and then goes to hitting and assault. But I still stayed. Why? WTF is wrong with me? Is it really because it felt familiar?
That was after a period of abstinence and I still attracted a toxic person. I'm now abstinent again, and trying to figure out if I can ever be with a man again. I don't think I can. All they see is a body. My body is tired.
I'm starting therapy again... so I'm definitely going to open up this wound again.
I am doing better now, decentering love and relationships right now, and focusing on healing. It feels good :) I still am getting bad flashbacks but they have pointed out to me my triggers and I've found when I don't fight them and just let them happen is when I am able to move on from them more quickly. I'm hoping to start getting comfortable in my body again.
This relationship changed my life forever, but I'm not going to let it define me.