hi. I've not been around in a while. But I find reading the posts really helpful. Because I can so much relate. So I thought I'd drop in. And update at the same time. [I have Complex PTSD, due to ~birth trauma -I was born 2 months early, nearly died in the birth canal, so was born via forceps, was isolated in SCBU, and had invasive medical procedures whilst newborn and very fragile physically. Mum also had PTSD due to this trauma. (which was undiagnosed, but that's what it was. she still has remnants today) ~witnessing domestic violence, along with long term emotional abuse, captivity etc under my dictatorial controlling father, who had a mental illness, but refused treatment. this started from when I was about 5. I left home at 18. ~severe daily bullying at school for 10 years. from when I was 7 to 17. by a gang of 20+ of my peers [all girls]. this escalated to physical attacks as the years went on - for example snowballs with stones inside, a wooden chair thrown at me across the classroom....chasing me down the road, taking my things and hiding them, as well as the ongoing daily ridicule, shaming, humiliation. none of the teachers nor my friends really noticed, or did anything to protect me. Then there were 2 breakins when I was 16. And a breakin that I had to 'deal with' at a friend's flat some 15 years later started bringing all the PTSD symptoms full on to the surface. Then I was living in the East End of London, where crime was rife, and I didn't feel safe at all. At the same time, I was a supply [substitute] teacher in some really rough inner London schools for several years and this re-traumatised me as once again I was in an environment where I was seen as a non person, where physical assault was common, classroom fights. I once had to stop a fight between two 8 year olds where scissors were involved. I was ridiculed all over again by the pupils, and the feelings of terror and no escape became a daily reality all over again...] I'm having lots of nightmares again. Its a constant effort to stay in the present and not be pulled back into the flashback universe, where I am afraid of everyone who I don't know, where I am always hostile and alert for danger. I go through phases where part of me feels that I didn't endure enough to be suffering this much. But that's part of my abusers' programming, as it were, and the denial that anything was wrong. How my father pretty much kept me and mum prisoner, never allowing strangers in, so that noone knew he was tyrannising me and my mum, hurting her, emotionally assaulting us both, making threats to send me away. How school never noticed, or ignored the daily assaults on me, like I didn't really exist, nothing was happening.. I am lucky now to have an excellent therapist who is helping me come to terms with my experiences, and start to live, really live, in the present. I am lucky to live with some great flatmates in a much calmer area of London. I am lucky to have a great job - I now work for libraries - which is very supportive of me and has really helped me through the worst of my illness. The past isn't happening now. I bear its scars. But I will make it through..