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Survivor. surviving.

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419can.dance

Confident
Thoughts of the end have been flying in and out of my mind all day. The feeling absolute failure hit me late last night when I woke from a horrendous nightmare.

I picked myself up and hid in the other room to cry. Hiding the shame that I am feeling being a “survivor.”

I do not feel as though I have survived. I struggle daily. Struggles always tied back to childhood abuse. Struggles I mask to show I am stronger. Stronger than him. Stronger than I used to be.

I lie. I lie to everyone around me. I lie to myself. I am survinging. I have not survived, yet.
 
Sorry to hear that. I'd love to say I understand, but I'd 'survivors' know it doesn't work like that :/ though I myself often feel the weight of surviving , and wonder if it's worth it. Then hate myself for carrying on. One thing I know is you must be a very strong person to cope with ANY of this, and for that I commend you. Also I wonder if that is being alive : lying to everyone through a mask . For me, I can wake up in the morning and feel I'm real, then by evening realize I'm just a costume. someone evil took a piece of you away, but to hell with them. They shouldn't be allowed to fester in you, scar that demon away. Shout it to the sky , because it's your world now. Sorry I'm waffly. Thanks for sharing and good luck.
 
Sorry to hear that. I'd love to say I understand, but I'd 'survivors' know it doesn't work like that...
Thank you!
The mask we wear makes us who we are. But, why did I have to choose such a stron mask!? Now. Now that I am crumbling I feel the same inside yet my outer appearance and attitude is taking a toll.
Survive. One more day. Then one more.
 
You needed to protect yourself somehow. And now you've got so good at it no one can see, until it overflows. It's the curse really. Why it's so hard to find help . And im going to use your mantra too. One day at a time. Up a hill to a peak that doesn't exist. But we should do it out of spite. That makes me happy. Spitefully climbing a never-ending hill, kicking gravel at the arseholes behind me.
 
Survival is a verb - the act of not being dead. Living is a different story. You need to survive now to live one day. Our masks are so strong because they were once our armor, forged in the fire of trauma. I think when non-survivors talk about masks, they're referring to something optional. Some days are gonna be survival days, and some days are gonna have parts where you're living.
@J Taverner , your post put me in mind of the song 'Battles' by Hudson Taylor, but also 'Middle Finger' by Bohnes. Both are really great f*ck-you survival anthems. I know this isn't a song thread and I'm sorry if the suggestion isn't welcome, but I couldn't leave without posting that.
 
A song suggestion is always welcome! Especially from artists I haven't taken the time to listen to. Thank you very much! I will definately give both a listen when I get a moment tonight. Been on a pink moon (nick Drake) binge for 2 days so a change is more than welcome :)
 
OOo pardon the pun but that's music to my ears! Feel free to message me that list, I'd love to hear it. I'm an amateur musician mainly piano but also the guitars . I have my own little recording studio in my apartment where I like to cloister myself and record stuff. Music has always been my way of grieving and of releasing too. Thank f for music hehe
 
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