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sustainable vs. not

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
I've been taking in depth looks at all my relationships lately.

What are some signs or truths, that a relationship is or might be sustainable in the future

vs.

obvious signs (things you learned) -- red flags -- that it might be time to distance yourself or change the relationship entirely

any type of relationship

I'd love any input! thanks <3
 
I’d say if a relationship is a one way street, all giving or all taking? Sure fire sign of a red flag.
Someone popping up only when they want something/convenient to them, again a problem.

All my best friendships/relationships have been built on mutual respect. There’s no competition between us. Each simply cheerleading the other on and doing their best to give/take equal amounts. My best friends are all also super reliable, there’s no making up dramas and bitching, we just get on.
 
Across the board? Nada.

As what’s best for one person will be the worst for another person, and vice versa.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel?

Pedophiles reoffend, full stop.
Other brands of crazy have various recidivism rates.

PERSONALLY?

I avoid anyone who self identifies as a pacifist, full stop. As I’ve never known more violent abusers, plural, than those who discount & justify their rage & violence as NOT rage/violence.

And 10,000 other things, that are full on personal preference. That I might adore whilst you might hate.
 
Non-consensual violence. Time to end the relationship. No flags. No warnings. They’re done. I personally can’t and won’t tolerate that.

A relationship that is consistently and persistently distressing is one I need to distance myself from. That’s a lot harder to identify, and very often requires help and insight from others before I’ll be honest with myself about it.

For me, beyond that? There isn’t a checklist for relationships - humans are way too complex. Things that upset me in one person may be a non-issue for me in a different relationship.

If you think about yourself on your worst day, your behaviour towards others is potentially full of ‘red flags’. And yet, our best relationships survive those days, precisely because of our ability to understand the complexity and nuance of humans.
 
Somewhat related, but I created a list of relationship musts. I’m almost up to 30, and sadly, just one of them will wipe out the majority of men (it’s a definite must, non-negotiable). I’m still adjusting to the reality that I will be alone for life.

But in general, communication is key for me. There are others, such as a balanced relationship that isn’t one sided.
 
doing their best to give/take equal amounts.

a balanced relationship that isn’t one side
I’m struggling with how to measure equal and balanced. I think I can sense it with my friends but I don’t understand it in romantic (het-cis) relationships as I have experienced them. It seems like ideally each person has different powers and they take turns wielding their power but that their powers and positions are not equal. That balance is a moving game.
I avoid anyone who self identifies as a pacifist, full stop. As I’ve never known more violent abusers
💡 Lightbulb moment. My pedo, rage-filled, beats-his-kids-and-rapes-his-wife dad (and his dad) called himself a pacifist.
 
(I call myself a pacifist! 😬😳)


I torrelate some behaviour in a limited friendship . For example, I have a few Friends who talk about themselves a lot. But they are funny, engaging, fun to go out with, so I enjoy those parts of them. They won’t be close friends I open up to, but I have fun with them.
I don’t/can’t tolerate that with a close friend.

For me, my long standing relationships are:
genuine: not based on what clothes you wear, what job you have, how you look. Just accepting you for you.
relaxed: they make me feel happier having been in their company
reciprocal: we reach out to each other
share love: we express emotions and affection.


have you heard about the relational needs, a theory put together by Richard Erskine? My T told me about these. They are a few relational needs we all have and it helped me to examine them and how I had them met, or not, in relationships.it might help to spot green and red flags.
 
💡 Lightbulb moment. My pedo, rage-filled, beats-his-kids-and-rapes-his-wife dad (and his dad) called himself a pacifist.
(I call myself a pacifist! 😬😳)

Yep. On the worst end of the spectrum the only “peace” they care about is their own (no violence THEY inflict upon others “counts”), sort of middling is they’re so terrified of violence inflicted upon themselves they never learn to control their own, and the best side is they haven’t ever experienced anything worthy of violence. Like protecting a child from a predator. .

It’s not the world’s most healthy/balanced view, it’s just my own life experience.
 
OMFG, my brain has finally turned back on! AKA meant to post this earlier.

John Gottman (Gottman Institute) is on the same level with studying relationships as Bessel Van Der Volk is studying PTSD. Lab science rather than pop-psych… and his work is used widely by a great many other respected researchers/experts/scientists (the linked image below, for example is from Brene Brown’s site). In addition to his academic/scientific work? He’s written some reeeeeally mind blowing & super useful books for we laypeople. >>> 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work <<< Is a great place to start… and it brings up exactly your Q about sustainability.


The Four (Relationship) Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

UU_Social_TheGottmans_FourHorses_Facebook.jpg
 
I avoid anyone who self identifies as a pacifist, full stop. As I’ve never known more violent abusers, plural, than those who discount & justify their rage & violence as NOT rage/violence.
Hm...I get that this is your boundary, but to be fair, the abusers calling themselves that are NOT. Probably like my staying as far away as I can from "born-again Christians." Because it very seldom plays out that they adhere to anything remotely Christ-like (come to think of it, I avoid all Christians, born again or not).
(I call myself a pacifist! 😬😳)
I was thinking the same thing.
 
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