Swimming With Sharks

Bigmess

Learning
I just remembered I made a profile here and can't remember what I last posted but I decided to come back because my CPTSD is completely running my life into the ground on multiple fronts. I don't know what I'm looking for, maybe just someone to relate to or a little adivice but anyways.

Again since the Summer there was another big fight here between my mother and her boyfriend, this time it didn't escalate to the police being involved but either way I was extremely unsettled again after that. It doesn't help they always talk about me too behind my back but I'm not confronting them on that as they're too dangerous to take head on like that so I lay still and avoid them as much as possibly can as I go about my life trying to fix my health as well as take care of my autism. I've been lately making many gains with my personal health and am currently in chelation therapy which thus far has made me calmer and gotten rid of many of my sensory issues as well as improved my speech a bit and gave my panic attacks a higher threshold of stress tolerance but I'm still struggling. The worst feeling of all is that your own mother is too dangerous of a person to openly communicate with, she can't reason and to top it off she drinks every day. I've been off kratom for over 7 months now but the amount of supplements I'm on to keep my body stable is more than enough financial damage. I recently itegrated mullien leaf extract and it's been a really panic attack threshold ceiling raiser for me as well as ashwagandha extract. I also have Avena Sativa extract capsules on the way that i hope will top things off a bit but I'm not expecting too much out of that one but part of me is hoping it can tame my muscles a bit to at least fend off my PTSD related jaw tension problems when something triggers it.

It always feels like I'm fighting against time, that they could blow up at any time. My mother is also my abuser and yet here I am because of money. It's really the only choice I have if I want to keep saving and keep getting healthier physically. When she's around I'm always looking over my shoulder, always making a mad dash for the room I gotta be in when she leaves it, and if she is in the same room as me I feel like I'm stuck in a cage with a tiger. It screwing my presentation of myself outside and at work where I'm the most vulnerable. Everyone becomes threatening in a way, the muscles in my jaw feel like they are trying to rip themselves off of my face uncontrollably, my speech goes out the window, The people walking around turn my thoughts into a whirlwind, if I'm dealing with a group of people my body reacts like it's fight or flight, and certain body language turns my body into a stiff twitchy mess. I was doing fine today until she came home, I had to interact, and just like that my body is acting like this again.

My father says that in some years they could remodel a place for me to stay that I can afford with some room to grow but until then I need to keep surviving here. The winter is even worse, being mostly indoors shoots my PTSD symptoms through the roof because I don't have the freedom to just be outside most of the time without freezing to death. It was very warm last week, late Spring like and the difference it made in my overall health was amazing just because the air itself didn't feel oppressive, was comfortable, and I could be away from my mother for so much longer. I only realized how bad it was over the last summer when she left for a week and it felt as if I could do anything. I never had better work, social, and productivity in my life. the complete opposite is what I'm feeling right now, almost as if I'm always hiding from some violent beast, being careful not to wake it.

Another bad thing I'm getting is that every bit of progress i make with health or anything for that matter there is always a voice in my head that tells me how I'll never get better, I'll never escape this fate, it's like her demons clawing my backwards, and I can't stop it. I just often go forward when I'm not getting any immediate gains almost out of spite for it often. If I make a single mistake it's even worse. I get absurdly paranoid even if it has nothing to do with her and even if it's something like I didn't cook something new I was trying to make very good. It's a feeling like a million judging eyes are on you every second of every day, slip up and they see a vulnerability to attack. But when she goes away POOF it's like magic, gone. It's such a difficult situation with no easy way out save for what seems like endurance.
 

Bigmess

Learning
Hey welcome back. We've never spoken but I just wanted to let you know I'm here and I understand that youre dealing with a lot.
Yes it alone helps a lot to have people to relate to since I can't find anywhere else full of people with the same issues in general. This place doesn't seem to be the most active in the world but still probably the most and the PTSD reddit is pretty active but I don't trust everyone there to actually have it given how much more casual it is there and so many people just wondering. Things have calmed down a bit situation wise since the last post but I completely minimize my presence when they're around and keep my head down. Anything to direct as little attention towards me as possible because I find as long as you keep yourself off of the immediate radar of people like this as long as they have another target (and there always will be one, they always need something to attack), it is off your back.

I've started taking mullien leaf extract and that's helping keep my body calmer too normally, it's not magic but work and interactions with others are less threatening. My main goals right now are too just keep pushing through my chelation rounds and make it to summery weather so I can have more space to breathe which will probably be a month or so before that arrives I do want to get into something more creative and social but it's hard when I need to live like this. It's often the unpredictability of each week (with them, never know if there's gonna be another fight or anything) and the constant of danger that makes everything more difficult and forces me to just focus on baseline needs.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Anything to direct as little attention towards me as possible
I understand. This alone can be exhausting as well as wondering if there will be a fight
I've started taking mullien leaf extract and that's helping
I'm so glad! There is a nutritional healing thread I started if you want to check it out. I'd love to hear more about the mullein leaf - I know it's good for lungs that's all I know
My main goals right now are too just keep pushing through my chelation rounds and make it to summery weather
I hear ya. We're all in some way trying to keep pushing through something.
forces me to just focus on baseline needs.
Yup. And you're gonna be better for it!

Here for you as you process
 
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