Sympathy - It Is Creeping Back Here

[anthony]

I want to remind members, mostly those who are new here, check sympathy at the door before coming upon this forum. Sympathy does not, will not, never has and never will be useful for helping PTSD. If you want sympathy then you want people to feel sorry for you for the trauma you have suffered, you don't actually want to get better.

If you want to get better, if you want to learn how to heal, one of the first things is to move from denial, which includes garnishing sympathy or desiring it, and moving towards facing your greatest past fears; your trauma.

Many new members arrive here daily, and you need to keep this in check if you want to get better. Sympathy only pulls you and others down to a lower place, none which is accepted or tolerated here. Please be careful as there is a fine line between sympathy and empathy, two very different matters. Empathy is given, sympathy is wanted.

 

[Lucky Laser]

So, instead of "oh I feel so sorry for you, pity pity pity," we want something more like placing ourselves in the other's shoes and sharing with them, I think.

I had to look it up. :p

 

[anthony]

Bingo.... said well.

 

[nic]

While I totally agree that those who are only interested in seeking sympathy should "check it at the door," I also wonder where that "fine line" is.

I am sure I'm not alone when I say that when I post here, I do appreciate words of encouragement. I think it is very difficult to decipher what is sympathy-seeking versus simply expressing emotion(s).

I would hope that it isn't anyone's intention to "bring others down," but at the same time, I hope that members aren't discouraged from posting because they're afraid to be labled a sympathy-seeker.

We all have our ups and downs, and I think both should be acknowledged equally. I, for one, don't really have anyone to talk to about the PTSD and its symptoms on a daily (or even weekly) basis. I often go through my day with the semblance of the happy-go-lucky person I wish to be. (Now you may think that it is best to be open and honest with emotions, but this just isn't possible for some people, especially if they go to work and need to appear functional on a daily basis.) Therefore, this forum, for some (including me), is the only outlet to express the pain, sadness, fear, or whatever else we may be going through.

 

[pandora]

I know lately I have appeared quite needy here but it is really in relation to my particular living circumstances not my trauma and I do try and give help when I can.

 

[Awakening]

If you want to get better, if you want to learn how to heal, one of the first things is to move from denial, which includes garnishing sympathy or desiring it, and moving towards facing your greatest past fears; your trauma.

This is quite a timely post for me.

All my life I've had this bizarre fantasy of a mother figure feeling sorry for me and/or rescuing me. I always wondered what it meant.

Then when PTSD first started to hit almost three years ago now (where has that time gone), this 'fantasy' intensified. I mean it's a daily thing. Now I feel really embarassed posting this but here goes.

I have constantly imagined my therapist, an older friend, my female boss, authority figures hugging me and telling me they are sorry. The fantasy took different forms i.e. I imagined getting injured and people visiting me in hospital, or I'm kidnapped and when released I get sympathy. In the end though the fantasies are all the same. A maternal figure taking sympathy on me.

I did not realise this was related to denial though. I thought I was through with denial. Damn it!

But this past week I've been thinking about the fantasy and how would that help if it did come to reality. If the whole world started feeling sympathy for me would it really help? How much empathy from my therapist would be enough? Then I read some stuff about 'victim mentality' on the net, and I'm starting to realise that no amount of sympathy will ever help. And whilst empathy is a nice support during the 'healing' process it ain't a cure.

I still haven't got my head around why I'm continuing to fantasy about sympathy though. Because it hurts to think about it, so not sure why I'm doing it, it makes me sink further into depression.

Anyway, I'm rambling & sorry Anthony taking your thread off on a tangent about me. But I think it's a valid point about sympathy.

If you find yourself desiring sympathy (like me!) maybe we need to scratch the surface to find out why?

 

[Claire]

Nic, the difference is between empathy and sympathy. Nothing wrong at all with expressing yourself, however this forum is for people wanting to get better so we need to help push each other. Understand and emphasise, yes, but also to strive for change and encourage improvement in each other. Not to stand still and get bogged down in self pity and depression and all the other delights that PTSD has to offer.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I think wanting sympathy is a way of being recognized when no one ever has before. You are hurting to the core, and to bring attention to yourself helps to ease that for a time being. Also during that time you don't have to think about your problems and issue. It takes the focus off of those.

It might be too that it would just be nice is someone else could just take the pain away. I think many of us here are guilty of this. While it dosen't work long term, it does help ease some of the shit.

I wonder also if it is just another bad coping skill we develop????

 

[anthony]

Awakening - Valid points that do not require apology.

Claire - Well said...

Wendy - Have some reputation, that was absolutely outstanding and dead on accurate. Sympathy is a way to be recognized when your self esteem is already shot to shit. It is a bad (negative) coping method.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Thanks Anthony... I knew that because I am guilty of it myself......Have used it more than once in my life.

 

[nic]

Quote from Claire:

"Understand and emphasise, yes, but also to strive for change and encourage improvement in each other."

I agree 100% with this statement, Claire. Now I haven't been on this forum for very long, (approx. 2 months?), but from what I've seen, it seems like pretty much everyone does encourage others, offer hope, provide suggestions, etc. So far, I haven't seen anyone here who is just out for themselves or just pity-seekers. From what I've read, even though everyone does have their off days, they are also quick to provide insight and feedback to others as well as take insight and feedback themselves.

I guess I'm just afraid that by writing about a difficult time, situation, or whatever, that may be interpreted as pity-seeking when, in fact, it is just a cathartic release that is needed in order heal.

 

[cherryblossom]

I guess I'm just afraid that by writing about a difficult time, situation, or whatever, that may be interpreted as pity-seeking when, in fact, it is just a cathartic release that is needed in order heal.

I agree with this point, nic. I often feel a need to 'vent', but worry that it will be considered attention seeking. When it is far from that - I hate getting attention, and would much rather hide in the background. But sometimes it's just feelings that I feel I need to write down, because I don't have anyone to talk to about such things.

I also find it quite hard to give advice. I think that is a self-esteem issue, in that I don't believe my opinion is worth anything...... but I am trying to improve in this and trying to give a little, instead of just taking.