T is trustworthy….eek

[Ice_Fire]

I totally get that this is attachment stuff and it’s freaking me out. I’ve been back in therapy for about 6 months now (that went quick). He’s very good, I’ve found it super helpful, analytical, makes me reframe things etc. I’m less angry, less emotionally all over the place.

And then this week I’ve lost the plot! Got massively triggered, in the session and he was very good at keeping me grounded. Just an off hand comment; it happens. I’m not bothered by that, he doesn’t walk on eggshells and nor should he because we’d never get anything done. Triggers happen; that’s the point.

But, I got triggered at home as well. And we’d not covered it in session because well, the above became a bit more pressing. And frankly I had enough to figure out that we just didn’t have time. I digress.

So, I sent him an email asking for his email policy outwith sessions. He was happy for me to email him and that he’d read it over before our next session. Fine. Ended up sending the email and it was a lot more than I was expecting. Just spilled out.

And he replied. It was brief, but reassuring. I took the leap and he was awesome. Bearing in mind this whole 6 months has been all about regulation and just skirting the edges of actual trauma, we’ve not yet spoken about specifics. Until now, I guess.

And now I’m freaking out because he seems trustworthy. I’m freaking out that he’s not gone “that sounds extreme” or the opposite. Nor has he been “awww there there” (hate that). He was just, reassuring, acknowledged it, said we’ll work on it. Perfect response right? Klaxon in my brain is going “trickery! You shouldn’t have told him that! You know you’re pathetic and this is all dumb so he’s even more dumb for not telling you so”.

I can counter that one fairly well, I know that’s nonsense. But the creeping worse thought is this: oh, sh*t I trust him. Oh dear I can’t get attached to this guy because it’s not a permanent thing. He’s not a friend. Nor a pseudo parent. Oh dear I’m going to end up telling him my sh*t and it’s going to be okay maybe and that’s even more scary.

Contrary I am aware!

 

[Movingforward10]

Not contrary. Just the freaking awful attachment, trust, consistently etc turning into a spinning moment because: opposite from the past.
This trigger and sprialling, as painful and as destabilising as it is, I've come to learn is healing. Well, the bit after this bit is healing. This bit is the open wound part.

It gets better. It really does.
How can you ground yourself through this?
Usually I need things like mantras and reminders that it is ok. This is the process.

And also, amazing that you took that leap. And had that faith. And that ability to do that. And go you and T with the relationship you have formed to enable this to happen.

 

[Freddyt]

And then this week I’ve lost the plot! Got massively triggered, in the session and he was very good at keeping me grounded. Just an off hand comment; it happens. I’m not bothered by that, he doesn’t walk on eggshells and nor should he because we’d never get anything done. Triggers happen; that’s the point.

@Movingforward10 nailed it.

PTSD and its effects would make a weird graph. It's just all backwards and upside down from what we know as healing.

Get a cut, put a bandage on it, in a few days, check how its healing and its getting better....

Healing with PTSD isn't like that. Its stressful in itself and that - makes stuff worse on its own. It's like a self feeding loop in a way. Learn ways to mitigate stress. Learn how to stop rumination. Prepare to be more triggered.

Some where along the way it starts to change, there are better days, you are better prepared to deal with triggery days, you can look at your calendar and know what days to prepare for and which days are not going to be great, and the huge swings slow down some.

 

[Freida]

And now I’m freaking out because he seems trustworth

Oh dear I’m going to end up telling him my sh*t and it’s going to be okay maybe and that’s even more scary.

Yep - aint nuthin worse that finding out you can actually....gasp gasp....see someone as trustworthy!
Huge compliment to both of you -- him for being like that and you for allowing it! That's huge!!

 

[Ice_Fire]

Come down off the ceiling now, only took me a few days. Progress am I right? (Rhetorical by the way)

So, having had a big talk with my other half about all this stuff today; I got a very profound insight from her about this whole thing. Turns out that maybe I’m freaking out at this whole thing because my previous experience with therapists actually wasn’t very good. I just didn’t know better. And now I’ve got better it’s freaking me out even more.

First therapist, very mumsy for want of a better way to put it. Yes I was a lot younger and less emotionally mature, but she was smothering and “awwww poor thing” which resulted in me telling too much without any control. And then there was a whole heap of transference both ways which was quite damaging.

Second therapist, in my other half’s words was, she thought a bit voyeuristic. I think that’s maybe unfair but I can see what she meant. I never truly trusted her even after a couple of years and it felt at times like a tug of war between what I was willing to share and that not being enough. I became more stable over time during the therapy I had, but it went on far too long. And my other half actually thought it was hampering my progress and a lot of the progress I made was simply a result of maturing anyway.

Third time lucky? I though the second T was much better than the first because it felt to me like I was doing what I was suppose to. When in fact I wasn’t dealing with triggers as much as just torturing myself with the memories in order to purge it out of myself and hoping that the triggers would resolve themselves by being able to acknowledge the origins of them. Which worked to some extent.

But now, what im sharing is coming up organically. It's "this triggered x" and T going "okay fine we shall deal with it". Very calm, very measured, very goal orientated. And therefore I am actually trusting him because this time it doesn't feel like one form or another of being shared for the therapist's emotional need.

So, somewhat paradoxically, that's making me actually trust him as genuinely safe. Which has made me panic. That I'm giving too much away. Or that I'll get attached to him. And it's maybe tickling that "oops said too much" because I'm worrying in the back of my mind that he'll start exhibiting the less desirable qualities of previous therapists? I genuinely don't think he will though.

 

[Muttly]

That's a great process you went through. I have started with a new T because of a move and can relate. She's older and part of my brain is convinced she will retire. I've also realized how little work I did with my last T. Knowing how good she is scares me to death. It's also wonderful.

I am glad you have such a good therapist. I hope she continues to be good and trustworthy for you.