DID T thinks i have did?

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mytai

MyPTSD Pro
I'm really shaken up after my session with my T today. We talked about the serious dissociation incident I had about 1.5 weeks ago where I "woke up" having sex with a random guy I didn't know. [Side note: got tested, and I didn't get anything nasty from the guy. Now to wait until I can take a pregnancy test.] I emailed her about it in detail last week, and we spent the majority of today talking about it. She actually brought it up right when I sat down, normally we chat a bit about minor day-to-day stuff that happened between sessions, not today. T brought up my dissociation again, about how she had me do this dissociation scoring test thing the first time I went to see her (almost 2 years ago now), and how I answered the question "do you lose chunks of time, find things you bought but don't remember purchasing, or meet people that seem to already know you" as no it has never happened. We talked about that and how that has obviously changed since then, this is the first time that I'm aware of something like this happening.

T asked if I knew what DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) was and I sort of do (lived with someone who had it), she went on to explain it a bit more. T then came out and said she thinks it is very possible that I have DID. She went on to explain her reasoning behind it, I sat there quietly and started to cry. She said if this is the case, she wants to make sure that I understand and feel like her office is a safe place so that those parts can come out and integrate. She actually spent a lot of time reassuring me that while I am in her office nothing bad will happen to me, that no one will harm me, that she will make sure of that. It's really rare that T goes to those lengths to reassure me I'm safe with her, I can count on one hand the number of times in almost two years that she has reassured me to that extent (beyond saying her office is a safe place).

I'm really upset that she thinks I might have DID, I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with that possibility. She gave me a book to keep and read about dissociation and different forms of it. She also asked me to keep track of any more incidents where I lose chunks of time, or I don't remember meeting someone, etc. She asked me to bring that up with her if and/or when it happens. All I want to do is crawl in a hole. I never thought DID was a possibility, actually I've been quite defensive and adamant up until this point that this is impossible. I don't want it to be true, I understand T's reasoning behind why she thinks this might be the case with me though.

T also really made sure I was present before I left today, normally if I dissociate in her office she just makes sure that I respond so we can book another appointment, and I guess watches to see if my breathing is more normal. Today was different, T tried to help ground me at the end so I could book an appointment for next week, but before she would let me leave when I was at her office door she started asking me a whole bunch of questions - where I was (her office), where I was going after I left her office, and how I was getting home. She made me repeat myself a couple of times before she opened her door. How do I come to terms with this? Where do I go from here? I feel lost, scared, and really detached right now.
 

Friday

Moderator
Well... Regardless of whether or not you have DID, it seems your therapist is working with you a helluva lot better than she has been. If she needed that possibility to kick her in the ass? Then even if you don't have DID & you're raking yourself over the coals? Something good came of it.

Important : Whether you have DID or not... You are the exact same person you were today as yesterday. A diagnosis never, ever, changes who you are.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Mytai, is this the only incident where you have lost time? I have DDNOS (or whatever they call that now). I had an isolated incident about 3 years ago where I found myself wandering the streets of a town (far away from my actual destination) in the middle of winter, completely under dressed and had no idea where my car was. It has never happened since.

I was worried I was DID at that point too - but apparently my T-doc said no. Could you ask your T if it could have been an isolated incident.

I also wonder if the issue could have been a date rape one. Was there a chance someone slipped something into a drink or something? Sorry if this has been asked already, I didn't go looking for your other posting.
 

hodge

MyPTSD Pro
Mytai, it sounds to me like your therapist is taking really good care of you, at least now. What do you do? Try to recover from that event, be kind to yourself, maybe make notes as you think of things to tell her next time that might help you. Please try not to freak out about the diagnosis. Dissociation is really part of PTSD, actually. I feel for you that you don't want it to be true, but if it is, you need to accept it in order to get help for it. I've dissociated, too, not to the extent that you describe, but enough so that I know how scary it is. But please try to keep yourself focused on getting better! :hug:s
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
Whether you have DID or not... You are the exact same person you were today as yesterday.
I needed to hear that. It's hard to be labelled, but I guess without labelling then proper treatment can't be provided.

Mytai, is this the only incident where you have lost time?...Could you ask your T if it could have been an isolated incident.
No, it's not the only time. I've only recently been aware of this happening, this specific incident was the most severe though. I've been losing chunks of time frequently recently. We actually talked about it today, and how it hasn't been an isolated incident.

I also wonder if the issue could have been a date rape one.
No, definitely no date rape. I had been communicating with this guy prior to the incident, I just didn't remember talking to him, and he also had no idea something was wrong, but let me go without issue once it became apparent near the end that there was an issue. Poor guy was blindsided.

Dissociation is really part of PTSD,
I've known for about two years now that I dissociate, and that it was a part of my PTSD, but this is a new extreme. T really tried to reassure me that it is nothing to be ashamed about, tried to help me not feel like absolute sh*t about it.

After a few comments from a few different people I just want to clarify, T has always been really good with me, she's done what was right in the moment before. She doesn't coddle me, and seems to use actions to prove that her office is a safe place over constant verbal reassurance. I think the change in approach to reassuring safety is because we were talking about Little today (little side of me) and how she was there today, I could feel her, the extra verbal reassurance might have been intended to be heard by Little if she was listening. As for the extra checks at the end in regards to being present before I left, she has always made sure I was grounded before I left if she knew I was dissociated, but I think once she saw the severity of the situation that occurred recently she wanted to really make sure that I was there before I left.
 
I second @FridayJones - you are still you, regardless.

I think it is important, though, to get the right care. I think about how much time and how many bad/inaccurate diagnoses were given to me before PTSD …. and a lot of the treatment aimed at making me better made me so so so much worse because no one understood what was really happening with me. If this is true (and it might not be), it just allows you to get the assistance you need.

You will be okay!
 
I never thought DID was a possibility, actually I've been quite defensive and adamant up until this point that this is impossible. I don't want it to be true, I understand T's reasoning behind why she thinks this might be the case with me though.
I have DID. I fought against that with my T and still fight against even though all the evidence is there. I have never lost time like you described, but there's other stuff that points towards DID.

Also, my parts come out in therapy and I am learning to accept them. And as I do, I have learned to be co-conscious so at least I know what's going on when I am not "the one behind the steering wheel" so to speak. I've been able to gain back control when I need to. It's been a strange and difficult process and I can remember the early stages of when my therapist started asking me about it. I was so scared. I have told 4 people about it, but mostly I keep it to myself because most people can't relate which means they can't understand.

Anyway, I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your fears and to try to take things as they come up. Explore DID with your therapist. You may have it, you may not, but exploring the possibility is worthwhile for as others have said, it will help you get the right treatment.
 

Sammyiam

MyPTSD Pro
Hi Mytai,

I have DID and lose time every few days, sometime it is worse than others. When I'm stressed it gets a lot worse as it has been lately. When I'm with my therapist, I have an hour appointment and I haven't been able to remember one session all the way through ( I have been seeing her for one year ) she has to write up notes and sends me otherwise I can't remember anything.

You are still the same person you just have different parts of you that you will get to know better over time. (That's what I'm hoping ) I find it very scary as I don't remember a lot of things and I can talk to people and have no idea what I have said. I send e-mails that I dont remember and I have a terrible time perception. I can think it's 9 am and it's 2 pm and I don't really know what I've done.

My therapsit is amazing and very caring, she is so nice and makes me wait with a lady for 15 to 20 minutes after our session so I can get back into a better space before she lets me leave, after I have seen her I feel so tired and have a headache and a very sore neck (I have no idea why ) but I just feel wiped out and still the next day I feel terrible as well. I have found it very hard to accept and still haven't really accepted it either. I just don't really know what to think about it but if you need or want to talk any time you can PM me if you want to.

I hope your therapist helps you and cares for you as much as mine does. I don't know what I would do without mine. Please take care and know that there are lots of us on her that suffer from disssoication and we are here to help each other. Take as much help and support as you can from people on here that are going through similar or the same as yourself

Take care

Sammy
 

mytai

MyPTSD Pro
@JEKBreatheandBelieve thank you for sharing. I think one of my biggest fears if it turns out I do actually have DID is my parts coming out in therapy. It's a scary concept for me. I feel like it's a lack of control, and I'm very much a control freak.

@Sammyiam thank you for sharing, and I think I might take you up on the PM offer. I hope you don't mind me asking questions.

Is there something that helped either of you let your parts just come out in front of your T? I know Little (not sure if a part because of DID, or just a little side of me) sometimes slips in and out during session but there is intense fear when she does and she won't respond to T, or I won't let her speak.
 
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