Relationship Taking over care of a mother and child after a 10 year abusive relationship

New Daddy

New Here
Hi everyone.
My girlfriend has PTSD due to her previous partner of 10 years, he was physically, mentally and sexually abusive and very controlling.
I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year, she has a four year old who has the tendency to scream and hit when she doesn't get what she wants. They escaped a year or two ago and are now living with her Mum and stepdad.
When we started going out she was getting councelling, but recently told me she thinks she quit too soon.
In January I moved out of my flat and left my job and moved back to my hometown to save money to move in together and also so I was closer to them. Because of the current quarantine I've also moved in temporarily in order to help.
My girlfriend is really struggling to control her child and when she sets rules she gets upset when others don't honour them (mainly her Mum and stepdad).
Part of the problem is that due to the nature of her previous relationship when her daughter is aggressive my girlfriend tends to get upset because she's scared her daughter is taking after her Dad.
On top of this if she says no to something (usually food) her daughter goes to others and asks and sometimes she gets it I think usually because her parents want an easy solution with less screaming.
She sees this as not being listened to which understandably upsets her. This causes arguments between her and her Mum despite trying to tell her that getting angry at people who have the best of intentions won't help fix the situation.
I'm doing my best to keep the peace, but now she's upset with me for trying to explain this to her.
All of this would probably be easier if we had a normal life in our own property, but given the current circumstances that isn't an option.
Is there an online counselling service available? Any other help and advice would be greatly appreciated.

I love them both and I'm not going anywhere unless told otherwise.
I apologise for this thrown together post, but I currently don't know where else to turn for help.

Thanks to whoever reads this.

Sincerely

J
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Hi J, welcome. ;)

What an uneasy position you're in. :( Though your dedication and care for them both is admirable.

Going back to counseling, as well as considering medication, would be wise steps to take.

How is the little one, just normal developmental tantrums or is more going on / the girlie was hurt by her dad and is now traumatized and acting out?

Bringing these concerns to child psychologist, child psychiatrist, equally qualified to work with child populations counsellors, or any combination of the above is a good idea.

As well as hooking up with a pediatrist familiar with abuse & trauma issues and can sort what is what - and help convey that to your over the top stressed girlfriend.

As kids are kids... and traumatized kids act out in many ways... in no way it means they are little abusers in the making. Just that they are hurt kids. Who don't know what to do. And need reliable adults help them make sense of the world.

Also, might be good to get some in person professional psychological support for yourself. As what you're dealing with is a no small thing.

Things that might help in understanding-

Everything in the Articles section of the site.
In the very least, the stress cup explanation. ;)
 
J

_J_

Hi J, welcome. ;)

What an uneasy position you're in. :( Though your dedication and care for them both is admirable.

Going back to counseling, as well as considering medication, would be wise steps to take.

How is the little one, just normal developmental tantrums or is more going on / the girlie was hurt by her dad and is now traumatized and acting out?

Bringing these concerns to child psychologist, child psychiatrist, equally qualified to work with child populations counsellors, or any combination of the above is a good idea.

As well as hooking up with a pediatrist familiar with abuse & trauma issues and can sort what is what - and help convey that to your over the top stressed girlfriend.

As kids are kids... and traumatized kids act out in many ways... in no way it means they are little abusers in the making. Just that they are hurt kids. Who don't know what to do. And need reliable adults help them make sense of the world.

Also, might be good to get some in person professional psychological support for yourself. As what you're dealing with is a no small thing.

Things that might help in understanding-

Everything in the Articles section of the site.
In the very least, the stress cup explanation. ;)

As far as I know the kid was unharmed but has vague memories in that house and either remembers her Mum being hit or has heard from other adults that it happened.
She seems to be a normal kid to me, I’ve seen how pre-school kids can be little terrors at times.
It’s just hard to convince my girlfriend everything will be okay.

I’m worried about my girlfriend and I’m trying to convince her to try and see the positive side of things as well as telling her to try not to get angry at those who in their own way are trying to help.

I’m dealing well with the situation and being strong for my girlfriend, but only get so far due to my lack of knowledge in this field.
 

Justmehere

Moderator
There are many online counseling services. Just google for a therapist in your area, and many will likely be offering online counseling because of the pandemic.
 

Mytime

MyPTSD Pro
Hi J welcome to the forum.

she has a four year old who has the tendency to scream and hit when she doesn't get what she wants.

This could be just normal behaviour for a little girl her age. Kids have emotions that they don’t understand or know how to label it or deal with it. Taking the time to talk to her and help her identify her feelings, giving and teaching her how to cope with them.

This causes arguments between her and her Mum despite trying to tell her that getting angry at people who have the best of intentions won't help fix the situation.

This ^^^ to me contradicts this>

she gets it I think usually because her parents want an easy solution with less screaming.
she sets rules she gets upset when others don't honour them (

If her parents are not respecting her wishes and parenting, how is that good intentions? I can understand her being upset if she doesn’t feel like she’s being heard. I think it would help if you validate her feelings and her frustrations. The best intentions for the little girl would be everyone working together. Yes it will be hard at first, but that apart of being a parent.
 
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