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Message: <blockquote data-quote="OliveJewel" data-source="post: 1762885" data-attributes="member: 44157">I appreciate this whole conversation.  I am increasingly aware of how much I have made sex a taboo topic in therapy.  In the beginning before I had boundaries I would talk about it like a teenager talking to her friend.  I’m afraid that part of me talked about it so easily almost as a power move or to shock.  I don’t think that was my intention but since I struggle so much now to talk about it that’s my best interpretation.As I developed my boundaries and recovered myself I slowly began to let all that sex talk go.  I thought I was becoming more grown up and refined.Then I became terrified that if I brought up sex it meant I was trying to groom her or that I was trying to excite her.  I wonder if that’s because of the “erotic charge” thing and projecting that onto her?So now I’m in a new place with T.  I am on the other side of accepting that my csa was horrible and disgusting and affected me deeply.  I’m at the very beginning of potentially dating someone.  I’m scared of physical intimacy let alone sexual intimacy.I feel like a girl again who has never kissed someone.  Even though I have three kids I feel extremely naive and scared of sex.  I don’t even know how to imagine it because I’ve never been physically or sexually intimate with a healthy-ish person only with people who push themselves on me.I hope I can talk to my T about sex again but it feels like I created a huge wall around it.  I think if I can talk to her about it it might help me relax.  She told me that she never felt I was trying to groom her.  Ugh.  I feel so worked up from writing this so that’s probably exposure and probably good.I should mention that I have had ET with my therapist and I have talked about it now and then but mostly not.  I think the ET developed because I had abuse fantasies and as I worked hard to replace them I stuck her in the role of fantasy partner as a placeholder.  Since she couldn’t be abusive to me she couldn’t do abusive things in the fantasies.  Currently it’s very difficult to think about her or anyone.  I’m in a weird kind of limbo place.  I think that’s good that my mind-body is letting go of her, and hopefully my mind will figure out a new safe way to help me with my needs.</blockquote>

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