Talking about suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

Renly

Confident
I just thought to add... if you got through your childhood without SI, I do think you can get rid of it. But no amount of willpower will do that. Time and hard work, yes.... in the meantime, find out what it looks like, feels like, make friends with it. If/when it moves on, you can give it a good old Viking funeral :)

I hope I can! But, you are right, I can't strongarm it away....I definitely have tried and it for sure has not worked. I am going to try to give it some creative attention like you suggested and see where that goes. As for the funeral...I've got the matches ready 😂 😂
 

MnM

Confident
@Friday @Sideways Way to come in hot and heavy, damn. Some good sh*t in there!

@Renly
Right now, I am angry an frustrated at my SI - it is something relatively new I am struggling with (instead of just repressing or numbing) and it is triggered by (IMO) the dumbest things - I realize the surface triggers or stressors aren't the real issue, but it's what is immediately in front of me. I hate feeling like "oh, you made 1 error on this document - life is no longer worth living just go die." Which has been pretty a pretty consistent feeling across the last few months.
(I haven't figured out how to do the fancy quotey thing yet)

Write it out. Write "Suicidal Ideation" somewhere. What are you angry about? What about it makes you frustrated? Is it causing you discomfort? Taking away your freedom? Making you tired? Impacting your sleep? Eating at your self-confidence? Making you face mortality? Write it all out. Those "dumb" things matter too - write out those triggers. What about them makes them dumb? Are you making this a reflection of who you are as a person rather than a symptom of your experience? If you severed a limb, sure you'd feel some survivor guilt maybe, some guilt for not being able to prevent it, some anger that it happened to you (etc), but making it mean you're a lesser person incapable of progress or self-reflection or degrading yourself for it is.... not helpful right? Try to treat your SI the same way. Stop throwing things at it that don't work. Anger is great if you can look underneath it and see what about it makes you angry.

Do I deserve better? Sure. Is life a bitch? Yup. Can I do something to make the smallest of movement in any direction? Probably, if I can stop staring at the surface and letting that boil my blood. Look underneath.

I also recommend finding comedians who have physical or mental disabilities. Making fun of it takes its power away. It also helps turn it into a symptom rather than something you are powerless over and controls you.

Josh Blue is awesome. Drew Lynch also amazing - and he brings up SI, specifically "You suck go die now." It's bloody beautiful. Call it what it is. Let the limb be vacant. Maybe you regrow it, maybe you don't. But either way, you get your power back and suddenly it doesn't matter.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Average persons can’t be expected to deal IMHO as some others said. I put it down on certain mental health questionnaires. If I get asked about it I’m like, what did you expect or did you not know why I was here? Recently I did an intake for a study and the dr. Called me later and asked me about it . She said she had to. I asked her if after what I’d told them she was surprised I’d say I felt like that, and we both sorta laughed.

So it’s doctors and therapists only i
Can’t think of situations where I’d want to tell anyone else except if they told me that they were having problems with it and I thought they needed my support. That saying so would help somehow.

It’s different now that I’m older and I’ve had a few health scares and lots of people I’ve know are gone. My body is different. It puts you in touch with mortality directly . I think it’s much harder for younger people to deal with and think about . But I’ve always had it and can’t imagine it not being there. I’m not depressed and that changes it a lot . I’m aware of it but depression made me think about it seriously. I think about it now, but not seriously .
 

Renly

Confident
Average persons can’t be expected to deal IMHO as some others said.
This is something I also wondered about. Some people I’ve talked to can’t even begin to fathom what it’s like feeling like they would be better off dead…and can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that feeling comes to visit me often.

It puts you in touch with mortality directly . I think it’s much harder for younger people to deal with and think about .
I had a suspected brain tumor for a while in my mid 20’s which took about 8 months to finally rule out due to referrals to see specialists taking forever and then the specialists not having appointments available for months. During this time, I pretty much settled in and had my mind set for the worst (I have always prepared for worst case scenarios/catastrophized).

What’s mainly different then from now, is although I’m not (and wasn’t) afraid to die (the peace I imagine will come from being dead is something I long for)…back then I was sad about things I would miss out on. Where I’m at now is I feel like there is not a happy future for me anymore (although I logically know this not true, it’s just PTSD/depression). And because I have no logical reasons for the SI NOW in the present day (I have a lovely life), the SI that I’m experiencing now makes me all the more angry. And when the SI is strong I’m sad I don’t have an “easy out”, because I don’t want to kill myself.

I suppose I just keep chipping away at the past. My PTSD was caused by multiple and prolonged traumas over 15ish years so I suppose I need to settle in with it’s not going to be resolved overnight. And to be fair I have a history of numbing, suppressing, and dissociating everything away. So in a way maybe I’ll discover some new positive emotions to balance out the new (not so fun) SI emotions.
 

Eagle3

MyPTSD Pro
I'm just grateful I have a therapist who REALLY understands suicidality in all its subtleties. I can talk about my levels and we can even crack jokes about it without being afraid of being hospitalized involuntarily. Makes things a little easier to deal with since I'm not always obsessed. I mean, he'll act if he really needs to but as bad as I've gotten in the past, we both know hospitalization will just make things worse for me, so we both do everything possible to stay OUT of that place. Joking about it, talking about it, being able to be honest about how I'm struggling with impulses but still resisting them is so much better than being on guard about it with my T!

Today I was mentioning how I'm concerned about an upcoming medical scan. I have to be sedated for it, but I've been having issues with low heart rate thanks to necessary meds. We talked about how I'm a little concerned about my heart rate going TOO low and stopping when I'm not ready for that to happen, although if it DOES happen, I'll tell the techs beforehand not to bring me back (like that's actually gonna happen 🙄). T joked about having a DNR for an MRI! We both laughed at the improbability of the event, and while he did note there was passive ideation at play here, he knows this is just life for me. It makes such a huge difference, having a great T who knows about this stuff and is experienced enough not to overreact!

Don't worry, I plan on telling the techs about my medications and heart rate issues before anyone touches me. Like I said today, I'm not really ready to go yet, but if it happens, won't be mad!
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I can honestly say I don't recall ever thinking of it, until I tried to do it ('no option'). Post that someone brought up they had tried and I ran for the hills. Maybe about 7-10 years later I dealt with SI on and off, assumed it was depression, yet recognized I could both get 'depressed' without understanding why (a lot to do with denial and flashbacks, physical or emotional), and yet conversely how could it be physiological if 'words' could turn around my thinking? (Much like Dr. David Burns says about thoughts and beliefs). About 15 years ago it came up again after sort of dissociating-from a bad experience, and during a bad time in my life. It hung on like a dog with a bone after that.

I really like what @Mach123 said:

I asked her if after what I’d told them she was surprised I’d say I felt like that, and we both sorta laughed.
I think this is true, and I think not all SI is of the same flavor. I don't know much about C-PTSD, but I do agree with the possibility of emotional flashbacks. I think the thing about SI is, like any other symptom, it can be more complex than it appears. I had a relative once, diagnosed with a particular condition. She seemed to have passive-aggressive behaviours. And yet, in so many ways these seemed contrary to her 'heart'. (?) The truth was, I was assuming an ~'intent' of sorts, when it really had to do with working memory, and excutive function. I was ignorant of what her condition involved. When I realized my error(s), it made sense. And tbh that was my fault, not hers.

For me, I think SI is as @Mach123 said, no more and no less. Thrown in with an (un)healthy heaping of powerlessness, and exhaustion. And seeing it as an option, because really it's just comparing subjective pain levels within the options.

But like @Eagle3 said, to talk or laugh about it, and not make things worse is helpful. It grows in the dark, I think. (Though I would never befriend it, because it's no friend of anyone, to me. The only truth in it is it isn't bad to not want to be a burden, or not want to hurt other people. )
 

Renly

Confident
I think the thing about SI is, like any other symptom, it can be more complex than it appears.
I agree with this 100%. I definitely know my making a small error on a form or a minor complaint from someone regarding a work matter is no reason for SI to show up with such ferocity… Those reasons are silly. But in the moment, because I cannot really sense the real, past, WHY…I get so frustrated. Hoping my therapy helps me reduce this down.

But like @Eagle3 said, to talk or laugh about it, and not make things worse is helpful. It grows in the dark, I think.
THIS I think is the root of my post AND helps me develop an appropriate answer. I have sooo many secrets that have been left in the dark for so long. They’re haunting me and have been eating me alive. I am hoping by shining some light here, the SI won’t be able to grow anymore. Thank you @Rosebud !!!

Thank you to everyone who posted here. This thread in itself was immensely helpful for me in getting some of my “talking” about SI out in a constructive way.

I very appreciate everyone’s responses and support! I also sense that everyone who posted “gets it” which is exactly what I think I needed. Also, it helps me in “turning on the light” so my SI can stop growing in the dark.
 
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