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Taste of something good, back in the mess

Thread starter #1
I am moving out to a state in the west at the end of 2020 or beginning of 2021, and recently visited to make sure I liked it. I fell in love. It's beautiful, the weather is perfect, it's expensive but not more than where I lived for college (and honestly where I live now...is also very expensive), and the air is clean, the nature is just....I'm going to cry thinking about it. I swam in the ocean, saw the mountains. It was so nice. And the people I will be living with are supportive, caring, and respect me and my identity. I came back home last week, and since then I've been getting progressively more depressed living with my parents.

They aren't how they used to be, which was downright abusive, but they're just so dysfunctional. They need therapy, desperately. And it's a stressful situation too, because they have to sell our house and move to a southern state soon (a seriously bad state for this pandemic, too). So I have to move with them, although I'm thinking of ways I can just stay here while they move, which I told them about and they weren't happy. They don't respect my identity that well, like they try but it's just constantly painful to me. And they told me "no more big news" so I can't tell them how much they're hurting me. I think it would push them over the ledge and I'd rather them be not abusive than me being hurt by their lack of respect.

I have a countdown on my phone til I move, and that's helping, but I feel so depressed and down. I don't feel any emotions other than anxiety and numbness. I can't feel anything, and that scares me. I don't get enjoyment from anything. I just feel totally empty here. I want to go back.
 
#2
You know the old saying “It’s darkest just before dawn.” ?

I find this is the MOST true when I’m waiting out a clock. In theory it should be easier, because there’s motherf*cking light at the end of the tunnel... but in practice I just find everything a helluva lot harder. To the point that I’ve actually f*cked up my ability to move on to the next point, where there is light. :facepalm: So. Damn. Frustrating.

So I count Sundays (any day of the week works, but I was first introduced to this in the military, and we counted Sunday’s. 3 more sundays and a wake up!), and the closer the date comes? The more stress I blow off.

When the waiting is on moving? I also pack. First I pack my suitcase I’ll be living out of & travelling with... and then I box up absolutely everything else, except bedding. But I find a helluva lot of comfort in living out of a suitcase. I know many people would be driven crazy with all their extra “stuff” in boxes, and put that off until the last moment. But I’m the opposite. 2 changes of clothes, a coffee pot, a fry pan, and my toiletries & I’m happy as a clam. Everything else is just extra.
 
Thread starter #3
I find this is the MOST true when I’m waiting out a clock. In theory it should be easier, because there’s motherf*cking light at the end of the tunnel... but in practice I just find everything a helluva lot harder. To the point that I’ve actually f*cked up my ability to move on to the next point, where there is light. :facepalm: So. Damn. Frustrating.
I'm here, for sure. I think I've honestly entered emotional numbing bc I'm feeling the emotions I'm avoiding right now and I'd really rather be numb. it's like so close yet so far. the closer I get the farther it is.

But I find a helluva lot of comfort in living out of a suitcase. I know many people would be driven crazy with all their extra “stuff” in boxes, and put that off until the last moment. But I’m the opposite. 2 changes of clothes, a coffee pot, a fry pan, and my toiletries & I’m happy as a clam. Everything else is just extra.
I like this idea, this is how I packed to visit out there: I packed a week in advance just to let me "see" I was really going. I need to get on your level, I still have way too much stuff and will just be moving across country with a few suitcases. thank you @Friday
 
#4
StrangeLongTrip, I think it's great that you have found a state out west that you love and that you believe you'd be happy living in.

I wish you good luck once you move out there later this year or in early 2021. I'm sure you'll find it to be exciting to move to a place you love.

Maybe I'll move outside of Maine someday.
 
#6
I still like Maine. I've lived in the Pine Tree State for over thirty years. But I may feel that a change for me is necessary someday.

StrangeLongTrip, I hope you like moving and living in the state out west that you like. But if it doesn't work out for you, it won't be a mistake, a bad idea, or a failure because you tried it.
 
Thread starter #9
I'm at a low, low point today. My whole body aches (not COVID, at least I don't think) and my mood is so, so low. I got stuff done today, at least, but I think it made my mood worse. I can feel myself nearing "better off dead" territory. I'm doing everything to help myself. I just don't even feel real. All I can feel is irritation and numbness and anxiety.
 
#10
I'm doing everything to help myself. I just don't even feel real. All I can feel is irritation and numbness and anxiety.
Hearing you.

Remember, to not push yourself to do too many hard things, when your emotional capacity is in the rough. Keep your days manageable, and remember that those are victories.

A thought - it ca n be a tough time to sell a house. Any chance your parents would at least let you stay and continue to manage the property, until a sale goes through?
 
#11
@Strangelongtrip , hope that feeling has shifted for you now?
I constantly constantly need external reminders that feelings pass , when I'm in the middle of a challenging and overwhelming feeling. Can't hold that in my mind at those times. Hope you can.

Do you have safety plans in place when you start to feel like that?
 
Thread starter #12
Any chance your parents would at least let you stay and continue to manage the property, until a sale goes through?
I can't, because if they don't sell it they will lose it 😠 it's a tough scenario, they have to sell it to move anyways. I think the financial stuff is contributing to the depression, too.

Remember, to not push yourself to do too many hard things, when your emotional capacity is in the rough. Keep your days manageable, and remember that those are victories.
Thank you!!

hope that feeling has shifted for you now?
So I was still really bad, so I made an action plan: tough self care that I could do in the mornings and nights. I did one day of affirmation walks and the extra self care and I feel like I'm starting to pull out of it, this morning I'm so exhausted for some reason but I'm just going slowly. I started working on things again too, and I think that helped some but it also gets me frustrated, so I'm going to go a bit slower today and here in out.
 
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