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Sexual Assault Tattoo felt trapped

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Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
I got a tattoo recently (my first tattoo) and the person who tattooed me I’m thinking triggered something in me. He was the same build as my rapist/abuser. The anxiety started the minute I saw him. And he talked so much that the session went over 45 minutes. I really wanted to go in, have him show me the design, put it on me, and tattoo me. That would have taken 45 minutes. Instead between and before and after every step he went on these long rants about things. I was there for 2 hours and 45 minutes. He seemed “nice enough” in that people have told think that him talking like this was him trying to keep my mind off of the tattoo and pain (which wasn’t bad at all—I’ve had 200x worse between my injuries and trauma), but to me it felt like I was being held hostage and I couldn’t SAY that because he was about to put something permanent on my body and I couldn’t offend him in case he messed it up.

That in of itself is another trigger: he had power over me and I had no control over it. Like being coerced into taking drugs and sexually assaulted and later raped, or at least that’s where my brain made the connection. I was physically shaking but literally he finished the tattoo and goes on another rant. I stop him FINALLY and say “I really want to see it” and he says “no, you can’t” as I joke and I don’t think I said anything and just got the eff up and looked at it lol.

My dad when he was most volatile would go on these rants. We would be trapped at the dinner table while he ranted about whatever bothered him for an hour. We were rude if we wanted to leave. He’s not like that anymore for the most part, fortunately. We can get a word in. But this tattooer? I got maybe 25 words in in 2 hours 45 minutes and most of them were “yeah” and “ok”. I felt like I couldn’t say anything because he would then ruin the tattoo. I even thought of a phrase: “I enjoy talking with you but the apprehension about my tattoo is making the conversation make me nervous, I’d really like to get to business”. But I could barely get random agreements in! Funny thing is most of his rants were about self improvement and mastering the self.

On top of it the tattoo artist next to him was playing a comedian who basically hated people like me ? so that was great. I didn’t look visibly gay or “gender neutral” (which this comedian was saying was the worst thing in the world LOL) but I did look like a woman and boy, he hates them too!! Usually that stuff doesn’t bother me but it did because I was in a position where I couldn’t remove myself from the situation and I was already keyed up and feeling unsafe so the thoughts of “what if I had worn a binder here” or “what if I hadn’t dressed feminine” and that spirals.

I’ve learned I need to feel out the artist before hand for sure, and I’m not going back to that salon (unless I want a piercing bc those guys ROCK). I just feel disappointed that was my first tattoo experience. Ironic it feels like my first sexual experience too ? using upside down smileys to deflect the grief haha.
 
It seems like you handled everything great even with all those stressors around you. I'm sorry it wasn't the experience you anticipated but you should be proud that you followed through AND are sharing your feelings with us.

How did the tattoo come out? Do you love it?
 
So sorry you got trapped like that, I can imagine the internal debate you were having.

Maybe a really positive moment of awareness. Looking back at the onset of the interaction was there a time when you feel like you could have walked? I mean before laying on the table was there a point when you just said to yourself to push through? I guess advocation for ourselves is important if we are able of course to "see" ourselves in the moment.

This just reminds me of my own struggles advocating for myself. Noticing when I'm getting "sketched out" and then using my innate right to do what's best for me. Walking away, stopping the interaction, taking a break away from everyone, whatever it is...saying no.

I hope you love the tattoo. I've been thinking about getting one if only a symbol that I take ownership of myself, that I can make a decision that I have to live with forever...not knowing how I'll feel about it in a year or two or 20...the loss of control. But I'd want something meaningful to me. Maybe peace symbol somehow...but I love that traditional stuff the Japanese are known for in their art....the water and dragon.
 
Thank you @LuckiLee I was proud of myself for still being able to hold a conversation and not shut down completely but it was really hard.

How did the tattoo come out? Do you love it?

I LOVE it. So much. I keep looking at it in the mirror and smiling. I feel like I look more like the me in my head, more like my true self, and it has a meaning attached to it that makes me happy.

@MrMoonlight I think there were moments I could have walked but I had paid a deposit and wouldn't get it back if I walked, $60 I think, and I REALLY wanted the tattoo haha. I love the tattoo and it's a sort of art piece of the area I've lived the past 22 years, a homage to that, my childhood and the things I've been through and survived here.

I did feel worried when I booked it a few months back and a few days before. I also have trouble with making decisions I have to live with forever, instead I make no decisions, or do so dissociated. I've gotten tons of piercings I've removed after they irritated me or were too difficult. The process for getting this tattoo made me feel empowered, and I think it's also partially made me start to honestly commit to the creative fields I want to work in. I can still cover it up if I needed to for a job, but I'm trying to craft my world so it's like okay, now I have this art on my body that I want to be able to show off, and ergo I need to craft a world for myself that accepts it. It makes me feel more like myself to choose this, which is terrifying, but necessary.
 
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