Teasel's Diary

[Freddyt]

Researching is an autistic thing that I can do fairly obsessively, sometimes to an uncomfortable extent - uncomfortable because my working memory is poor nowadays. But anyway, researching which car yo buy, even with a poor working memory, is fantastic compared to unbearable emotional pain.

It's what I found I miss without a cat in the house. Something to take up my attention and break rumination....

 

[Teasel]

Cats are wonderful 🐈‍⬛

 

[Teasel]

I don't know what to do. None of my attempts to speak to support workers have any effect whatsoever. It's frightening me how I feel after she comes. Got too close to taking suicidal thoughts seriously for comfort. Even without that I'm in unbearable pain for days after, it takes constant efforts to distract myself, constant redirects of my focus of attention. Not being able to function, not washing or cooking or doing housework or seeing anyone. I've had 18 months of this company constantly pushing me. At least for the first year the refuge boss got me, even though her manager still kept up pushing me, she was really kind. This one, thinks that I am being horrible to her.

 

[intothelight]

So sorry you are experiencing this. Can you identify what about her/conversation/demeanor is causing so much distress? Maybe breaking it down here can help?

 

[Teasel]

Thank you @intothelight I will try to do that, might take me a while but it could definitely be helpful x

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't know what to do. None of my attempts to speak to support workers have any effect whatsoever. It's frightening me how I feel after she comes. Got too close to taking suicidal thoughts seriously for comfort. Even without that I'm in unbearable pain for days after, it takes constant efforts to distract myself, constant redirects of my focus of attention. Not being able to function, not washing or cooking or doing housework or seeing anyone. I've had 18 months of this company constantly pushing me. At least for the first year the refuge boss got me, even though her manager still kept up pushing me, she was really kind. This one, thinks that I am being horrible to her.

Do you have to meet her? Does her or her service offer a gateway into something else, or is it worth walking away from that service?
Is it possible to get someone else? I think you have asked that already from memory?
It sounds a very difficult thing to be part of. And not healthy for you.

 

[Teasel]

Really struggling to write about this. Shall try again tomorrow

 

[Freddyt]

Take care of yourself Teasel......

 

[Teasel]

Thinking of how to write about everything has set me off ruminating again. I'm in a bad way.

I need to turn off the ruminating. Recently the only thing that has helped that is watching documentaries on very engrossing subjects, holocaust, abuse, traumas etc. And playing mindless games on my phone at the same time so there's no room for ruminating. I've still had to redirect my mind constantly but it worked fairly well. Obviously that is also why I've not been functioning.

The last couple days though, it was like I really effectively parked it all somewhere out of view. I showered and washed my hair, went for walks, researched which car to buy as mine needs replacing and even did some basic meal making.

I'm frightened that that has been undone. I'm frightened.

I employed this psychologist to help me with all of this but didn't speak up when he set the first appoinetment for 2 weeks time "So that I would have time to read the pdf he sent" well I read it within an hour of receiving it.

Maybe I can go for a walk. Maybe have earphones with an audiobook, there are some ducks on the river nearby, I could feed them.

 

[Teasel]

Feeling calmer. Will go for a walk now.

 

[Teasel]

Walk was good medicine. Was put in mind of Noah's Ark feeding the birds on the river. 2 coots, 2 mallards, 2 gueese, 2 crows, a moorhen and a bunch of black headed gulls. Had a few minutes of being totally in the moment watching them feed. Was lovely.

Then on my walk I looked at all the cars parked up to see what the cars I've been reading about look like in person. I was thinking I'd get a Seat Leon, but they are smaller than I thought..

 

[Teasel]

One of the issues with the support worker is that nothing I say about difficulties I'm having makes any difference. There's no point me trying to explain anything to someone who doesn't want to listen.