Teasel's Diary

[Teasel]

I don't know what to do with myself. Feel quite agitated. Like I need to find something to focus on else it's uncomfortable.

 

[StillPen]

Thank you both, most appreciate the validation 🙏

Have the feeling just now, as if I need to borrow some reason to live from somewhere, and I've not phrased that very well. I am not trying yo say that I'm about to do anything silly I am not.

It's that I have been desperately distracting myself from the pain. Almost all of the time.

And maybe I feel able to tolerate letting go a little bit of the distraction. But then there is nothing there. No goals or reason to live, something like that.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to explain this at all well.

If there were somewhere you could go to rent out some reason to live I'd do so. Borrow some sense of something mattering.

In the mean time I'm going to have to find some reason to live myself innit. Where do you start? When you have no sense of having a future? I have no faith in making a new life in this town ananymore. And I have very few spoons indeed.

Open to suggestions :)

For me, T, this is a special place within my constant fight with depression. Not necessarily 'wanting to die' or planning in any way, but an overall intense feeling of nothingness. As a result, nothing to look forward to, nothing gives me a sense of hope. It is such a bleak place to be in, but know it is temporary, as you are feeling a lack of control with this support worker crap and living instability...it is understandable what you are experiencing right now.

For me, two things help, maybe three:
1. Immerse myself into a new tv series. (Not sure what you have where you live...I actually watch my phone not the tele). My younger parts get absorbed into the "imaginary" aspect of a new show, be it documentary, history, action...but it is a series that is important. Many shows, many seasons...It is a form of distraction, it is a form of numbing, but of the mal-adaptive coping tools, it is the least damaging for me, and gives me something to look forward to...key to bumping up that seratonin that will take me out of depression.

2. Learn something new. Immerse myself in something, anything, even if it serves no purpose whatsoever. Passes the time, gives my brain something to do so I'm not stuck in rumination (dangerous and triggering for me) and gives me a small boost of confidence to be able to learn... again, seratonin.

3. "Act as if". I learned this in A.A. I used to hate it. I've acted all my life, I used to say... I want to be me, I used to say. But I find, if I "act as if" I were hopefull about my future, I begin doing the things that hopeful people do and thus become more hopeful... For you, maybe, it could be "acting as if" you had just moved into your place again. Mentally put yourself there. You were decorating, making it your own, went camping, to concerts...you were doing...and it was keeping your seratonin levels up and increased. So act as if, to get your seratonin levels up, once they are up, you will come out of the depressed state and you'll begin feeling hope-ful again...somethingness instead of nothingness again.

Maybe this helps some, if not toss.

Know that I'm listening and I care.

 

[barefoot]

Are you allowed to have any pets where you live, T? Even something small…a hamster…some fish? I find that, during hard times, knowing I have to get up for my furries because they need me - and having them around me - helps a lot.

Or are there any volunteering opportunities you feel you could manage to get involved with? Somewhere where you feel you are making a difference/helping? Again, I would think of something animal based, but I can’t remember if you are much of an animal lover (sorry, I feel as though I should know this about you but my mind’s a little blank today!)

Sorry if these two suggestions are impractical/way off the mark.

 

[Teasel]

intense feeling of nothingness. As a result, nothing to look forward to, nothing gives me a sense of hope. It is such a bleak place to be in, but know it is temporary,

So soothing to be understood, such a balm, thank you 💗

1. Immerse myself into a new tv series

This is defo one of my go tos, has been almost all of my waking hours in the last 2 weeks in particular

Many shows, many seasons...It is a form of distraction, it is a form of numbing, but of the mal-adaptive coping tools, it is the least damaging for me, and gives me something to look forward to...key to bumping up that seratonin

Agreed it's less harmful than some other maladaptive coping things. The things I go for, haven't tended to be many shows / many series as I tend strongly towards factual over fiction. I shall look into seeing if I can find something like this though.

2. Learn something new. Immerse myself in something, anything, even if it serves no purpose whatsoever. Passes the time, gives my brain something to do so I'm not stuck in rumination

I like the sound of this. And did actually start learning Ukranian a few days ago, tis only 5 mins a day tho, on duokingo.

But yes, this puts me in mind of life being better when I have a 'special' interest. Or a hyperfocus on some topic or other.

I shall have a good think about this.

acting as if" you had just moved into your place again. Mentally put yourself there. You were decorating, making it your own, went camping, to concerts...you were doing..

Made me cry to remember. There's been snippets of grief regularly, like seeing some one going about their life, and it will jog some grief, remembering when I was involved in my life too. Something like that.

I'll think about it.

Know that I'm listening and I care.

💗

Are you allowed to have any pets where you live, T? Even something small…a hamster…some fish? I find that, during hard times, knowing I have to get up for my furries because they need me - and having them around me - helps a lot.

Thank you we are.. and last year I was thinking that I want to get a dog, but now I'm thinking isn't the right time, not stable enough, and looking for somewhere to live, having a pet will make it harder. Maybe I could try out borrow my doggie though - something I have neen thinking if for a long time.

Or are there any volunteering opportunities you feel you could manage to get involved with? Somewhere where you feel you are making a difference/helping?

There might be, but even before this dreasful past 2 months, I wasn't functioning well enough to trust I wouldn't be letting people down regularly, and now even more so. But thanks @barefoot. When I'm doing better, I'd defo like to contribute. And I'll have a look to see what I can find for possible future.

 

[Teasel]

I don't seem to be able to pick myself back up at all. It's not the best.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm sorry it's hard @Teasel . Sitting with you.

 

[Teasel]

Thank you 🌸

 

[StillPen]

Hope today was bettr, T. Many hugs.

 

[Teasel]

Thank you @StillPen 🌸

 

[Wendell_R]

Thinking of you, and sending hugs.

 

[Teasel]

Going to have to fruit salad this to try yo get it out. I can't make coherent sentences.

Support worker brought one of the other support workers with her today. An old hand, someone who's been working at this much longer.

She was kind.

😭

Kindness brings into such sharp relief the lack of it in your life doesn't it. In this case it almost felt cruel to have someone kind come this week when she won't be any other week.

All week I had been trying to say to myself not to say anything in the meeting, as far as possible to grey rock, not give anything of myself away because meetings with Support Wanker have been so desperately painful. And any attempt to explain myself had been ignored, taken personally, responded to passive aggressively or suggested I'm lying. Etc. Lots of fun.

This week I've been waiting to see if I can tolerate living for another small patch of time after the support worker session. Each time she's been lately I've been so distressed and the last time in particular something broke, I just stopped.. don't know how to put it into words. Lost hope.

Having that other support worker come shows me life could be so different if I had her instead.

I would really like to be able to write an email asking to be switched to this support worker.

Who, when I told her about difficutlies I'm facing, just believed me and listened with kindness.

Will try to write more later.

 

[Teasel]

Thank you @Wendell_R 🌸