Teasel's Diary

[Teasel]

Can't seem to get me eords out. It's like they're all tryn to come out at once and so I keep trying and failing to be able to make any sentences.

Or like I keep trying to tell the story of what is hsppening yo me and I can't do it. Like I'm constantly trying to explain myself to people that don't care to hear it.

There's defo a good deal of my past colouring all of my present. Amping things up I expect.

But also I'm not just imagining things. Support worker V, who has been my sw since the beginning if December, It's been an awful experience for me. Still is, truly awful.

Support worker M who came today was lovely.

M told me she is going to the local mh group on Friday.

Ok got some words out.

 

[Teasel]

I feel like I don't have the right to my version of the story. Massively.

That's got to be linked to my past?

I mean I don't know. Everything I've tried to say about my difficulties has not been accepted.

Ive ended uo feeling like I'm tied up in knots.

And the ruminating feels like an attempt by my brain to untangle those knots. A very ineffective attempt. Maladaptive?

Or the maladaptive part is trying to deal with that by distraction.

I mean it's 100% preferable to sobbing and SI.

Ugh, going round in circles.

 

[Movingforward10]

I would really like to be able to write an email asking to be switched to this support worker

could you write this to the sw’s manager? And use some of the words you have written here about how you Feel after, and how you feel the opposite with the kind person?

 

[Teasel]

I could. Though it's the sw's manager who is particularly unsympathetic, she's quite a tough person who seems yo think my difficulties are excuses.

I really would like to say something to someone, but every attempt to say somethung to my sw has fallen on deaf ears, and I've been told it's coming from the manager.

I so nearly said to the nice one yesterday, can you be my support worker?

I wondered about writing a note to give her tomorrow. Am a bit worried about what to say or if it's wise to go directly to her... But it's not like I haven't tried repeatedly.

On the plus side, today I felt better than I have for nearly a month. Actually can tolerate being here. Actually did a meal plan and have been eating healthily. It's so wonderful compared to the abject misery of the past few weeks.

 

[Teasel]

Yes, unsure what to write. I tend to go into too much detail.

Wondering if I'd be better off just briefly saying how different I feel compared yo the past few weeks.

 

[Freddyt]

Yes, unsure what to write. I tend to go into too much detail.

I would say you have great difficulty communicating with this person and that is causing you anxiety that affects your condition adversely.

That states the basic problems with the situation without saying "its all her fault".

 

[Teasel]

Thank you @Freddyt that's exactly the kind of advice I need 🙂

 

[Freddyt]

Thank you @Freddyt that's exactly the kind of advice I need 🙂

Been there done that thing where you can't put thoughts together to say what you want.

Part of the goal is to not damage that realationship further but just to say "this isn't working for me....".

 

[Teasel]

Can't decide do I write a note to the kind one, or do I email the harsh one or the harsh supervisor.

 

[Freddyt]

I would get a hold of the good one and find out if she knows a good way to effect change....

 

[Maximus]

I left Mr today. I'm in a refuge. It hasn't sunk in yet. Feel a bit odd. Numb maybe. Been a stressful week, secretly packing and finding a refuge.

So, yeah

🥰

 

[Maximus]

Can't decide do I write a note to the kind one, or do I email the harsh one or the harsh supervisor.

Write it out in your hand in a journal to yourself. Read it several times then sleep on it. I have found impulsivity…mine not yours.. has landed me in deep water. Sometimes waiting, though hard is hard in itself. Proud of you. Harsh one won’t get it and it keeps you teathered to them. It also makes you vulnerable to manipulation. Best to you.